Batman: Return of the Caped Crusaders
- PG
- Year:
- 2016
- 78 min
- 281 Views
1
First position.
Second position.
Third position.
Fourth position, open.
Fourth position, closed.
Very good, dick.
You'll be doing multiple
double tours in no time.
Gosh, Bruce,
kids don't ballet dance.
I mean, I feel ridiculous
in these tights.
The discipline of ballet promotes
balance, flexibility and strength,
never-ending fight against crime.
Gee Willikers, I never
thought of it that way.
Now, that's enough practice
for one night.
Gotham palace is on,
mindless entertainment sometimes.
Gosh, yes!
It's my favorite show.
Welcome to everyone's
favorite variety show,
the Gotham palace.
And here's your host,
that international starlet
of stage and screen,
Miranda Monroe.
Thank you.
Thank you.
On tonight's show, we have
those singing sensations,
the mop tops with the mostest,
Hector and the ho daddies.
Those aren't the ho daddies.
No, it's that mocking mountebank
of malice, the joker.
Oh, sorry, kitties,
but the ho daddies have decided
to play a smaller venue,
Bruce, look!
It's that black-hearted bearer of a
billion bumbershoots, the penguin.
Careful, you
pre-pubescent pipsqueaks,
or I'll give you a taste
of my penguin umbrella.
And the prince of perverted
puzzles, the Riddler.
Riddle me this. What kind
of band doesn't play music?
Answer.
A band of thieves.
And of course,
that dominatrix of deviltry...
Catwoman needs no introduction.
Holy unholy alliance.
Our greatest foes have reunited.
Quick, gang, we have to hold these
creepy crooks for the cops.
I do love a captive audience,
but we must be going.
Let us away, let us away.
It's the bat-signal, sir.
Yes, Alfred, no doubt the
commissioner is already calling.
Oh!
Mercy alive.
Why, you'd think you were Batman
and Robin, rushing out like that.
We were just going fishing,
aunt Harriet.
At this hour?
Land's sake!
You two sure do fish a lot.
We find it's a great way
to relax
from the pressures of being a millionaire
playboy and his teenage ward.
Indeed. Now, if you'll
excuse us, aunt Harriet.
Can you believe the lengths those
two go to keep their little secret?
- Secret, ma'am?
- Why, Alfred!
You really don't see it?
No, I do not.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I believe the upstairs
doorknobs need polishing.
Good day, madam.
No need to explain,
commissioner.
We saw the whole sordid affair.
Those criminals
will be brought to justice,
or I'll know the reason why.
We're on our way.
Hurry, caped crusader.
Whoever you may be
under that cowl of yours,
you paladin of virtue,
you're our only hope.
To the Batcave.
"Poor people have it, rich people
need it, if you eat it, you die."
- What is it?
- Nothing.
I can't come up
with anything either, Batman.
No, chief, the answer
is "nothing."
How can "nothing" be a clue,
when it's not even a thing?
In this case, "nothing"
is certainly something.
- Robin?
- Let's see...
Zero. Zilch.
Goose egg.
Precisely.
Farmer Jones delivered
a shipment
of his prizewinning goose eggs
to the local market
just last week.
They're after eggs?
It's not what was delivered,
commissioner, rather when.
Last Tuesday, which was also the
night of the total lunar eclipse.
You see, it's really
quite simple.
The atomic energy laboratory, headed
by our old friend, professor Nichols,
just opened a new wing dedicated to
the science of total lunar eclipses.
And I'll bet my cowl
the laboratory is where
those felonious fiends
Of course, how could
I not see it myself?
Come on, Robin, there's
a bad moon on the rise.
To the Batmobile!
What would we do
without him, commissioner?
I shudder to even
consider it, O'Hara.
Not so fast, old chum.
But we're in a hurry, Batman.
Jaywalking is extremely
hazardous, especially at night.
As duly deputized
officers of the law,
it is imperative
we follow the rules.
Gosh, yes, you're right, Batman.
No one's above the law, even when
Quickly, Robin,
to the crosswalk!
The replica ray has
the ability to scan an object
and create an identical version.
Observe.
As you might imagine, the
applications are endless.
Does anyone have any questions?
I do...
Riddle me this.
What is black and blue
and red all over?
Answer. You, if you
don't hand over the ray.
You heard him, knave.
Never!
It's too important to give to filthy
criminal types such as yourselves.
Oh! You dare defy us?
You must be insane.
And here's the proof!
Why, you're practically
certifiable.
Scientists, head for cover.
The only things these fiends will
be multiplying with that device
Great quivering jellyfish,
the dynamic dunderheads!
Into the fray, my fitness finks.
Oh, Batman, give up this life of
excessive do-gooding and join us.
A man of your skills
Us...
When heck freezes over,
you shameless Bathsheba.
Let the grownups talk,
boy bird-brain.
Tag! You're it!
We could have a lot of fun.
What do you say?
I say, renounce
your evil ways, Catwoman.
Cease this infernal flirting.
Three Catwomen!
- Is that so bad?
- Of course it is!
Now he has to pick just one.
Perhaps not!
Batman, they're getting away
with the replica ray.
Ironic, since I'm seeing triple.
They won't get far.
To the Batmobile.
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