Synopsis: Two losers from Milwaukee, Coop & Remer, invent a new game playing basketball, using baseball rules. When the game becomes a huge success, they, along with a billionaire's help, form the Professional Baseketball League where everyone gets the same pay and no team can change cities. Coop & Remer's team, the Milwaukee Beers is the only team standing in the way of major rule changes that the owner of the Dallas Felons wants to institute.
Genre: Comedy, Sport
Director(s): David Zucker
Production: Universal Pictures
  2 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
103 min

...4 runs batted in. And he's already hit

2 home runs tonight.


Just listen to that crowd.

- Reggie!

Come on, Reggie! Hit another homerun!

- Coop, he's already hit two.

It's a high fly ball to right...

That's way back

and it's... gone.

Reggie Jackson hits

his 3rd home run of the game.

Good catch, Coop!

- I can't believe it!

I totally had it,

but my glasses slipped.

Remer, someday I'm gonna become

a big sports star. - Whatever you say.

You just watch me, dude.

There was a time in America

when contests of athletic prowess

were a metaphor for the nobility of man.

Historic moments,

forged by the love of the game,

celebrated the human potential

to achieve excellence. But as time passed

and the country neared the millennium,

something went awry.

Manning rolls right. He's got Plough

at the ten... Touchdown,


The ideal of sportsmanship

began to take a back seat

to excessive celebration.

The athletes caring less about playing

than planning the vulgar grandstanding

that inevitably followed even the most

pedestrian of accomplishments.

The games became

subordinate to the quest for money.

Stadiums and arenas became no more

than giant billboards

to promote commercial products.

Players sold their services

to the highest bidder,

much like the hired guns

of the Old West.

After playing for New England, San Diego,

Houston, St. Louis,

a year for the Toronto Argonauts,

plus one season at the Desert Inn,

I'm happy to finally play here

in the fine city of Miami.


Whatever. Sh*t.

Soon it was commonplace for entire teams

to change in search of greater profits.

The Minneapolis Lakers moved to

Los Angeles, where there are no lakes.

The Oilers moved to Tennessee,

where there's no oil.

The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City

where they don't allow music.

The Oakland Raiders moved to L.A.

And then back to Oakland.

No one in L.A. Seemed to notice.

The search for greener pastures went on.

Continued expansion diluted

the talent pool, forcing owners

to recruit heavily from prisons,

mental institutions and Texas.

Fistfighting and brawling

overshadowed every athletic competition.

As the problems mounted,

the fans became less and less interested.

To reverse the trend,

major sports started interleague play.

Then they tried intersports play.

But no matter how far major sports went,

it wasn't enough

to bring the fans back.

The spirit of athletic competition, though,

indeed was not dead.

Its seed merely lay dormant

in the dreams of the young.

You know, Remer, someday

I'm gonna be a big sports star.

You know, Remer, someday

I'm gonna own a big sports bar.

Hurry up, Coop.

- I just gotta water the plants.

I don't wanna be with high school losers.

This is Brittany Kaiser's house,

and I really wanna f*** her.

Dr. Kaiser!

Coop and Remer.

We graduated with Brittany.

- You graduated?

Of course we did, cock. Beer?

This place looks like

a "Dockers" commercial. Hey, Stef!

Coop! Remer!

Want a beer?

Oh, my God! You haven't changed at all.


No, it isn't.


Hey, Skid Mark Steve!

You still hanging out

and playing Nintendo?

- I'm in my 2nd year of med school

and training for the Summer Games.

What're you two up to?

Hanging out, playing Nintendo. Cock.

Hi, Brittany!

Didn't think you guys would show up.

We wouldn't miss it. - I don't remember

putting you on the guest list.

Ted told us about it.

Excuse me!

Why did you tell those losers? - Me...

Let's bail. - No, let's go to Brittany's room!

Come in here! Check it out.

Brittany's underwear. - Aw, dude!

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote

David Zucker

All David Zucker scripts | David Zucker Scripts

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "BASEketball" STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Web. 7 Jun 2023. <>.

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