Bam Margera Presents: Where The #$&% Is Santa?

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What's up, kids?

It's one week before Christmas.

I have Shitbird sleeping there...

...and I got my homeboys on standby

for a big snowball fight.

I had to order up the snow

from the Poconos...

...because it just hasn't snowed yet.

So let's get this Christmas

started off right...

...and I'm gonna go wake up Missy.

She's already awake.

[MISSY CHUCKLES]

- Yo, help me.

- Do what?

I'm gonna dump all this snow on Shitbird

and then I got some flour too.

You dump the flour, I do the snow.

- Let's go.

- Where did you get snow...? Bam.

MISSY [WHISPERING]:

What do you want me to do?

[WHISPERING]

This is a horrible way to wake up.

MISSY:

When do you want me to dump it?

Say, "Dump."

[GRUNTING]

BAM [IN NORMAL VOICE]:

Wake up, Shitbird.

SHITBIRDZ:

Where the hell did you get snow from?

BAM:

I ordered snow from the Poconos.

Geronimo, Shitbird. Oh!

Hanna, don't think you're safe.

SETH:

I thought you like it?

- Oh, b*tch.

SETH:
Bam, Bam.

MISSY:
Ow!

ALL:
Ohh!

That hit me so f***ing hard.

I'm not playing anymore.

I'm sorry, Missy.

I wish it wasn't funny.

Just go do something

and get out of here so I can clean.

How about liquid lunch

at the Thirsty Camel?

HANNA:

Hell, yeah.

Come up, say goodbye to me first.

HANNA:
Who, me?

MISSY:
No, not you.

- My husband.

BAM:
Yes, ma'am.

Ew, ew.

The big party is in a week...

...and you're creating

so much more problems for me.

- Ape's coming over.

- I know, but Ape's not our maid.

Yeah, but she can't stand

to see things like this.

Yeah, but I'll look like a jerk

if I hide up here while she cleans.

I have to do it too.

- Just give me a kiss.

- Teamwork. Teamwork. Teamwork.

- Okay?

- Yeah.

All right. I'll be going.

- Later, babe.

MISSY:
Bye, babe.

BAM:
Let's try to slide down this thing.

MISSY:
Be careful, Bam.

[YELLS]

BAM:

Whoo!

[MOUTHING "WHAT IS ROCK?"]

BAM:

What can she possibly get now?

- Yeah, Joe.

FRANTZ:
That's true.

- She does have everything.

- I gave her a sweet-ass engagement ring...

...then a sweet-ass wedding ring

and then a post-wedding ring too.

She has the Range Rover,

the Lambo, the purple one.

- What else can I get her?

JESSE:
Bring her Santa.

- I know where he lives.

- You do?

- He lives in Lapland, Finland. It's a fact.

FRANTZ:
Well, Santa Claus, actually...

The mythos of Santa Claus, if you will,

is embodied in every culture...

- Jesus Christ.

...in the entire world.

No, really. And in it is encapsulated...

[ALL LAUGHING]

BAM:
Nobody wants to hear

your Santa Claus jibber-jabber.

- He lives in Finland, okay?

- I thought he was at the North Pole.

That's what everybody thinks.

Finnish people get mad. Everybody

thinks Santa's from the North Pole.

They're like, "He lives in Finland."

Rovaniemi, Lapland.

- You deserved that, by the way.

FRANTZ:
Thanks.

- With your Santa Claus jibber-jabber.

- I was trying to help you out.

I'm helping myself because I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go to Finland.

FRANTZ:

Go to Finland and bring back Santa Claus?

I'm gonna capture Santa.

Maybe I can make some calls

to some Finnish rockers...

...and find out exactly where Santa lives.

- That's awesome. Yeah.

BAM:
You like that?

It's a pain in the ass to get to,

but maybe... You know what?

Starting to sound like a good idea.

- Could be done.

- Well, Christmas is one week away.

If we power it out,

we can probably get it done in five days...

...make it back by Christmas Eve,

have a party.

I don't see why we wouldn't.

HANNA:
Missy already has everything.

- Dude. There's Novak.

Piece of sh*t.

[ALL LAUGHING]

HANNA:

What looks more shitty, him or the car?

SETH:

They're equally lousy.

Yo.

Look at this group that's going nowhere.

Nice Maserati out there.

Hey, that, dude? I just scored that thing

for 400 bucks, man.

- Four hundred bucks?

- First car I've ever owned in my life.

Did you do paperwork

or did you buy it flat out?

- I bought it.

- You're an idiot. I bet it's a stolen car.

No, it's got keys.

- So what?

NOVAK:
What do you mean?

I got to take the minging-ass

sh*t you've seen in a while.

We have a cameraman to prove

he's gonna sh*t.

- Follow him in.

NOVAK:
You'll smell it from here.

BAM:
Yo, yo, do you have

the spray-paint can? Let's go tag his car.

[GRO ANS]

[SIGHS]

It's like pushing a baby out.

Let's go.

BAM:
When does he not deserve it?

- Yo.

- Where's our brew-ha-ha?

- Coming.

Oh, Jesus.

[ALL LAUGHING]

My Louis Vuittons don't have

too much traction on the bottom.

What are you doing in town?

Spreading holiday spirit?

F*** spreading holiday spirit. I'm trying

to spread one of these waitresses' legs.

Yo, you know what happened to Frantz?

- I can only imagine.

- I went like this:

- And then I just pushed him back.

NOVAK:
Ow!

Ow!

I got you a gift. A pre-Christmas gift.

It's your gr... It's your grocery list.

NOVAK:

Heh! It really is. It is too.

Life partner. I appreciate that.

Thank you.

I'm gonna put it in my car

so it doesn't get f***ed up.

NOVAK:
What the f***?

BAM:
There goes some spray-paint cans.

NOVAK:

Who the f***'s in charge of this?

Maserati, yeah.

BAM:
I don't know why you're so worried.

It's just spray paint.

I mean, you could have

a kicked windshield in.

Dude, this is the first...

I mean, this is the first thing

that made my mother proud.

My mother said,

"You're moving up in this world."

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