Bad Match

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1

Harris?

You must be Rachel.

- Yeah.

- Hey.

Oh.

Oh, sorry, I'm a hugger.

That's, that's okay.

I'm super awkward at the

beginning of these things.

Oh, well, that is why

they invented alcohol.

Hey, man, uh, could we

get one more scotch,

and for Rachel, a...

wait, wait.

Uh, let me guess.

What are you doing?

Oh, I can sense a

person's drink aura.

I just need a moment of silence.

My drink aura?

Sorry.

Vodka tonic.

Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, I'm

also seeing tequila shots.

Rach, I don't know about that.

I did not think that.

Far be it from

me to tell you no.

Two tequila shots.

Thanks, man.

You don't mess around, huh?

I guess not.

Leaving?

Oh, hey, yeah.

Didn't want to wake you.

I got work in the morning.

Plus, I have self-diagnosed

restless leg syndrome, so.

But, uh, hey.

I had a lot of fun.

Me too.

All right, sleep tight.

Boom!

Got you again, ShadowMan.

Suck my dick, p*ssy.

No, come on, man.

It's too early for

that kind of talk.

It's not too early

for your mom to suck my dick.

Eh, clever.

Oh, and I win again.

See you next time, Shadow.

Hope you have a

good day in school.

What grade you in again?

You have a good day being a fag.

Easy with the

homophobia there, kid.

Shut up.

You got it.

Hey.

Hey, morning.

What's up, man?

Mandarin, Jose.

150 likes.

F***in' clickbait.

Cute, who's she?

She's my ex.

She used to call

blow jobs blowies.

Now she's engaged to

Richard Rodemeier.

This f***in' bald piece of sh*t.

Looks like a banker.

What do you think he does?

You think he banks?

Let's have a look.

Pediatric surgeon at Ralph M.

Captain Children's Hospital.

Oh, no.

That's a bummer.

Whatever, man, he still

looks like a piece of sh*t.

Of that I have no doubt.

You should unfriend her, man.

It's not healthy, you

can drive yourself crazy.

I know, I know, man.

I just can't help it.

Robby, boom.

Harris, Robby, morning.

- Hi.

- Hey, Terri.

The partners and I

made a decision about

the Harry's Auto Insurance spot.

You both had damn good ideas.

But Harris, we're

going with you.

Thanks, Terri.

Well, they're gonna

be here on Wednesday.

You'll be ready

to pitch by then?

Absolutely.

Excellent, keep

up the good work.

You too, Robby.

Better luck next time, Robert.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Think you just got it all

figured out, don't you?

I like to think so, yeah.

Linda, 26.

"I like adventure,

whiskey, sarcasm, Jenga."

She's cute, should

I go left or right?

It's your choice, man.

Mm-mm.

It's your profile.

Eh, I pretty much

always swipe right.

Even if you don't like 'em?

That's putting the

cart before the horse.

At this point, it's

just a numbers game.

Say you swipe right

100 times a day, right?

Out of those 100 likes,

you get 20 matches,

out of those 20 matches,

you message 10,

out of those 10, only

a handful message back,

and out of that handful, you

end up meeting up with one.

What that means is, the

more you like initially,

the higher your chances

are of meeting up

with someone later.

The Tao of swiping.

I'm gonna swipe right,

here we go.

Boom!

- It's a match. God damn.

- Thank you very much.

Technology, it's a great thing.

You know, if this was

around when I was single...

Yeah?

Okay, keep browsing.

Oh!

What about this one?

Uh, I'm sorry, Mr. Tzu,

I apologize sincerely.

Okay.

No match.

I'm sorry.

It's all right, it happens.

Oh, you're getting

a text from Lauren.

Uh-huh.

Oh, dear, I gotta split.

Lemme guess.

- Lauren.

- Mm-hmm.

She's another

match I'm guessing?

That is correct.

What happened to the last one?

- What last one?

- Uh, wow.

I guess it's hard to

keep track of both.

I don't know her name,

the last one you saw.

Is that what you

do, you go see them?

- Oh, you mean Rachel.

- Rachel, Rachel.

Yes, she's cool.

Yeah, we had fun.

I just didn't get

the girlfriend vibe.

Oh, okay, what's

the girlfriend vibe?

Well, you know how you felt

when you first met Lydia?

Yeah?

Yeah, well, I felt, not that.

Okay, yeah, I see.

Oh, there she is.

Wait, you had her come here?

Yeah, so?

Dude, I thought we

were gonna part ways.

We are.

I'm gonna go to that

table over there.

You're ridiculous.

Hey!

I'm Harris.

This is for you.

Thank you.

Jeez.

Can I get you a drink?

Sure!

Wait, let me guess.

Well, hello.

- 'Sup?

- Yo.

Who is that?

Girl I matched with.

Seems to be really into

Sonic the Hedgehog.

Listen, um, can

you do me a favor?

What's that?

Can we swap d*cks

just for tonight?

- Guess who?

- Whoa!

Gotcha.

Scared the sh*t out of me.

Whoops!

You know how to

make an intro, huh?

I tend to just go for the hug.

Is this for me?

Uh, yes, actually.

It's kind of cheesy, but.

Very sweet of you.

Hey there.

- Hi.

- What can I do for you?

Uh, can I get a...

Wait, wait, wait, let me guess.

I'm seeing, red.

Uh, vodka cranberry.

Oh, my God, yeah.

Wait, I'm also

seeing tequila shots.

Yeah, I love tequila shots.

All right, here we go.

I like your hair,

it's different.

Oh, yeah, I need

to update my pics.

They're like three weeks old.

No, it's cool.

Can I tell you

something embarrassing?

I'd be offended if you didn't.

When I was a little kid,

I got my hair

bleached like Eminem.

- No, you didn't.

- Yeah, I did.

Totally.

Take that secret to the grave.

Yeah.

All right, a vodka cranberry.

Tequila shots.

Thank you, sir.

All right.

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