Back to School

Synopsis: Millionaire businessman Thornton Melon is upset when his son Jason announces that he is not sure about going to college. Thornton insists that college is the best thing he never had for himself, and to prove his point, he agrees to enroll in school along with his son. Thornton is a big hit on campus: always throwing the biggest parties, knowing all the right people, but is this the way to pass college?
Genre: Comedy, Romance, Sport
Director(s): Alan Metter
Production: HBO Video
  1 win & 2 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
96 min


You call this a report card?

What kind of marks is these?

How you gonna go to college

with marks like these?

I don't want to go to college.

I want to work

in the shop with you.

You want to work

in the shop with me, huh?

Listen to me.

I said it once,

and I'll say it again...

I don't care how rich

or successful a man is...

if he don't got an education,

he's got nothing.

- I tried, Pop. I can't do it.

- Then try harder!

You can do anything in life

you want to do.

Remember... you're a Meloni.

Hi there.

Are you a large person?

Pleasantly plump? A little

on the hefty side, perhaps?

Well, let's face it.

Are you fat?

When you go jogging,

do you leave potholes?

When you make love,

do you have to give directions?

At the zoo, do elephants

throw you peanuts?

Do you look at a menu

and say, "OK"?

Well, now you can

eat all you want...

because at Thornton Melon's

Tall and Fat stores...

we've got you covered.

That's right... fine woolen

and woolen blend suits...

and sport coats

in all the larger sizes...

husky, stout, extra-stout

and the new Hindenburg line.

And for you ladies,

we have caftans, muumuus...

and our own exclusive A-frame

in all colors and patterns.

Yes, we have

miles and miles of fabric.

So take it from me,

Thornton Melon...

if you want to look thin,

you hang out with fat people.

Thornton Melon's Tall and Fat...

Lou, did you see the new spot?

Yeah, I seen it.

Do I look fat in it?

You could lose

a couple of pounds.

I gotta get bigger actors.

Pocahontas, how are you?

Ophelia, hold some of my calls.

Yes, sir, Mr. Melon.

Good morning, everyone.


Take it easy, will ya?

And don't get any on the walls.

OK, folks. What's up?

Mr. Melon,

we have a serious offer...

on your commercial property

in south Florida...

and we feel you should sell.

No. Hold it for one more year,

take the depreciation...

then transfer title

to the California Corporation.

Show it as a capital gain.

We should do great.

What else?

The toy division has come up

with a new doll idea...

to go along with our

children's clothing line.

We call them Melon Patch Kids.

Now, the competition

exploits the notion...

that their dolls are orphans.

The Melon Patch Kids

are not orphans.

They're abandoned.

We think it's a winner.

OK, go with it.

But keep the unit cost

under five bucks.

Last year, we took a bath

on those Chubby Tubby Tub toys.

- Jason's on the phone.

- Jason.

OK, everybody, take a break.

Excuse me, Mr. Melon,

but we have a very long agenda.

- Later. My son's on the phone.

- But, Mr. Melon!

Beat it, punk.

Jason, how are you?

How you doin'?

How's the diving going?

Oh, it's great.

We just finished up practice.

Oh, keep it up, keep it up!

And the fraternity...

I'll bet you're having fun

in the fraternity, huh?

What do you think?

Yeah, it's great.

Oh, that's great.

You're not doing too much,

are you? You studying?

Well, right now,

we're between semesters...

so classes don't start up

again for another week.

No classes? Then come home.

Tonight, your mother and I

are having a big party.

It's our fifth anniversary.

Whoa, Dad. She's not my mother,

she's your wife...

and I don't get the feeling

she wants me around.

OK, let's not start that again.

I'll tell you what.

I'll come up there to see you.

No. Bad. Bad idea.

I got this big dive meet

coming up.

I gotta practice. I wouldn't

have any time to see you.

- It's a rotten time.

- OK. I understand.

Look, Dad, I promise...

I'll come down for a visit

next break I get, OK?

All right?

Look, I gotta go, OK?

Rate this script:4.0 / 2 votes

Steven Kampmann

Steven Kampmann (born May 31, 1947) is an American actor, writer, and director. He was born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. He is best known for his role as Kirk Devane on the first two seasons of Newhart. Kampmann also had roles in The Rodney Dangerfield Show: It's Not Easy Bein' Me, L.A. Law, The Richest Cat in the World, Multiplicity, and Analyze That. Additionally, he was a writer for WKRP in Cincinnati. In 1981, he was nominated for a Primetime Emmy Award for Outstanding Comedy Series for his work on WKRP in Cincinnati. His screenplay credits include Back to School, The Couch Trip and Stealing Home. In 2008, Kampmann wrote and directed BuzzKill, a film about a struggling writer who becomes famous when a serial killer steals his car and the newest draft of his script. Kampmann is married to actress Judith Kahan and they have four children, Christopher, Robert, William, and Michael. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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