Ashens and the Quest for the Gamechild

Synopsis: Featuring Ashens insane fictional search for a piece of electronic tat for the fabled Game Child, accompanied by fan favourite Chef Excellence (a human version, not the bloody puppet), and together they try to overcome the odds - and all common sense - to lay our hands on the fabled Game Child, an old handheld video game. But a shadowy figure, aided by my irritating nemesis, wants the game for their own dastardly ends.
Genre: Adventure, Comedy
88 min



Well this is the place.

You sure?

Bet my left hairy bollock on it.

Thanks, Richard, that's a mental picture I'll treasure.

Come on.

I'm looking for Iqbal.

Who is looking?

I am.

I don't understand.

We. The two of us. Are looking for Iqbal.

Where is he?

Oh, why didn't you just say so?

No need to get your knickers in a tit.

He's in the back.

Oh, no, you wait here.


Why'd you bring me?

You keep an eye on things, yeah?


Are you Iqbal?

You know why I'm here?

Your very attractive friend tells me you're in the market for a Q-Mutt 17.


Do you even know what that is?

The Q-Mutt 17 is a rip-off of the Dancing Digidog, the most popular Christmas toy of 2002.

It looks exactly the same as the real device, it was a quarter of the price,

and rather than dancing, it simply emitted a series of loud beeps,

and then fell over.

Very impressive.

So, can I see it then?

Yeah. You may.

Well can I see it then?!

Alright mate, calm down!

No need to get your knickers in a tit!

What does that mean?

Don't you worry.

Who's your mama?!

You are! Mummy!

Why does she always need the reassurance?

You guarantee that this is a rip-off Q-Mutt 17?


Look, do you want it or not? I've got ten buyers lined up, alright?!

This tail is translucent.

So? So what?!

The Q-Mutt 17 had an opaque tail.

This, is a genuine Digidog!

You know nothin'!

Oh, I think I do.

The pain is indescribable!

It's just water, mate. I was thirsty earlier on.

Oh, sorry, I thought 'cause of the whole context, it was horrible chemicals or something.

Oh, I can understand why you thought that, I mean, yeah, definitely tap water.

Not filtered, but it's tap water.

Do you want a towel?

A towel, that'd be great, cheers man, I didn't see that there.

Richard! Richard, he making a run for it!

Cut him off in the alley!

I'm on it!

Sorry! I have to go!

Remember me?

Wait! My Facebook!

Ugh! Not you!

You always were a bit slow, weren't you, Rashens?


You were supposed to head that guy off!

It turns out, that sniveling little turd, Nemesis was behind it all.

I'm in the pub!


This is why I work alone!

# Nobody plays the game better,

# But no one could play it much worse.

# You alone know these rules to the letter,

# And they spell out your mission, and curse.

# Obsolete hardware from years ago,

# Finding it all is your aim.

# From thriftstores to eBay to Antique Roadshows,

# Adventure is your favourite game.

# Oh, and Ashens is your name.

# But where will this lead in the end? For no man is an island of tat.

# Perhaps what you need is a friend, could you imagine that?

# Your mission's about to begin, if you don't lose then you might just win.

# We're routing for you, you odd little bearded prat!

# Terrible hardware from years gone by,

# Worthless old relics, you claim.

# There's one left to get now, don't give in and cry.

# Adventure is your favourite game.

# Oh, and Ashens is your name.

# Or, is it Ashen?

# I'm confused about the 'S'.

# Ashen...s.

# Ashen... uh... s.

Hah! Stuart!


Sorry, do I know you?

It's me.

It's Chef.

Chef... What?

Oh my God... Geoff?

Geoffrey Excellence?

I didn't recognise you!


I didn't know you were back in town, and dressed as a chef.

But I am a chef!

I'm Chef Excellence.

Oh yeah! You're the mascot for that uh, Kid's food line, weren't you?

Yeah... Did you ever see any of my stuff?

A bowl for you... Oh yes, and obviously one for you, honey.

There you go, kiddies.

What's wrong? Why you not eat food?

Good kiddies, eat your food!

Rate this script:(3.50 / 2 votes)

Stuart Ashen

Stuart Clive Ashen (born 16 December 1976), commonly known by his online alias Ashens (), is a British comedian, animator, actor and online reviewer of various products, which are usually video games, toys, and food. The items he reviews are often of low quality or are poor knockoffs of well-received products. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Ashens and the Quest for the Gamechild" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 11 May 2021. <>.

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