Almost Heroes

Synopsis: Explorers Bartholemew Hunt and Leslie Edwards are setting forth against nature across the country on a journey to the Pacific Ocean against rivals Lewis and Clark. Along the way they have many mishaps and misfortunes.
Director(s): Christopher Guest
Production: Warner Home Video
Rotten Tomatoes:
90 min

In 1804, President Thomas Jefferson...

commissioned Meriwether Lewis

and William Clark...

to explore the vast,

uncharted territories of the Northwest.

What most people don't know

is that there was a second expedition...

led by two other men...

men that may not have

possessed the courage...

vision, or intelligence of Lewis and Clark...

but men nonetheless.

Their story, such as it is,

begins in Arlington, Virginia.

It'll take more than a couple of fops

to take me down!

I hope Satan himself burns the flesh

from your miserable bones!

Good God, lady!

Get your hands off me!

Leave me alone!

Faster, man. Faster. But not too fast.

As much haste as possible while

maintaining a tolerable level of comfort.

A man's life is at stake.


On March 25, 1804...

Bartholomew Hunt...

a tracker employed by the army

of the United States of America...

was found guilty of drunken

and disorderly conduct...

in the presence of an officer.

Then later...

he forced that officer to waltz with him

through a crowded mess hall.

Have you anything to say?

Yes, I do.

When I am dead

and have passed on to the next world...

I want you to lower me

from these gallows and...

kiss my hairy buttocks!

Hang him!

Take him down and choke him!

Hang him!

May God have mercy on this man.

Out of the way. Get back.

I have a stay of execution

signed by President Jefferson himself.

See? He signed it right here.

"Thomas Jefferson. "

- Sorry.

- Thank you.

Mr. Hunt, I plan on being the first man

to map a route to the Pacific.

But I require an expert guide.

If you wanted a tracker,

why did you choose me?

- Why didn't you get William Clark?

- Don't you think I tried?

Meriwether Lewis beat me to him.

I'm sick to death of those two.

Lewis and Clark this. Lewis and Clark that.

We'll see who talks about them

after we beat them to the Pacific.

Then we'll see who gets invited

to the finest parties.

We'll see who's able to parlay their

accomplishments into a political career.

When the history books are written...

Lewis and Clark will be

but a footnote to a footnote...

and I, sir, will be the note.

My hands will grow rough,

my teeth may yellow...

I might even experience

a general soreness in the joints.

Yes, this mission will be

a treacherous one, make no mistake.

We will face danger from savages

and from bears.

These bears are wild, mind you.

Not trained carnival bears...

- with little hats.

- Sounds exhilarating, sir.

Few men would have the courage

for such an endeavor.

I'm not afraid, Mr. Burr.

My mind will protect me.

I'm a man of science, a man of learning...

a man who knows

how to buy the finest books.

Fear will be our breakfast,

and stark-raving terror our daily luncheon.

Mr. Hunt?

Mr. Hunt?

I'd be more worried about the Indians

than the bears.

It's common knowledge that...

when the savages capture a white man...

they will split open his head...

pick out his brains, and eat them...

with a crudely fashioned fork. So...

Have you witnessed such atrocities,

Mr. Hunt?

I've seen the forks.

You look like a man

who appreciates good whiskey.

Thank you, sir.

But I fear inebriation may cause me

to forget my manners...

in such fine company.

Good God, man,

I'm not talking about getting blind drunk.

I just meant for you to have a taste.

Well then, taste it shall be.

Not bad.

How about you get your own bottle?

Good morning.

I had Jonah put you in here last night.

It seemed a barn was the only suitable

place for a man in your condition.

I think there was something wrong

with that whiskey.

My head is splitting open.

Rate this script:1.0 / 3 votes

Mark Nutter

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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