Ali Wong: Hard Knock Wife

Synopsis: Comedian Ali Wong performs her live stand-up set at Toronto's Winter Garden Theatre.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Jay Karas
Actors: Ali Wong
Rotten Tomatoes:
64 min


Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage

Ali Wong!

What y'all thought

Y'all wasn't gon' see me?

I'm the Osirus of this shit

Wu-Tang is here forever, motherfuckers

It's like this ninety-seven

Aight my niggas and my niggarettes

Let's do it like this

I'ma rub your ass in the moonshine

Let's take it back to seventy-nine

I bomb atomically

Socrates' philosophies and hypotheses

Can't define

How I be droppin' these mockeries

Lyrically perform armed robbery

Flee with the lottery

Possibly they spotted me

Battle-scarred shogun

Explosion when my pen hits

Oh, my goodness!

I heard a rumor

that all of the Asians in this city...

Have congregated

in this theater tonight.


Thank you for coming

with your white boyfriends.

I really...

Appreciate it,

from the bottom of my heart.

I'm so excited to be here.

I have not been performing that much

at all, in the past two years,

because two years ago,

I gave birth to a baby girl.

And when I first started to come back out

to do stand-up,

the other stand-up comics,

they couldn't believe it.

They were like, "Oh, my God, Ali...

"What are you doing here?

"Didn't you just have a baby?"

I was like, "Listen...

I've been with my baby girl

since she was born,

all day every day.

And I love her so much.

But I'm on the verge

of putting her in the garbage.

I need to be here to miss her,

So that I don't go to jail."

It's so sexist when people ask me,

"Well, if you're here,

then who's taking care of the baby?"

Who the f*ck do you think

is taking care of the baby?

The TV is taking care of the baby, okay?

The windows are open, she's got

gummy vitamins on her lap, she's fine!

I tried being a stay-at-home mom,

for eight weeks.

I like the stay-at-home part.

Not too crazy about the mom aspect,

that shit is relentless.

I was stupid and naive, and I thought

that being a stay-at-home mom

was about chillaxing,

getting to shit in your own home,

Watch Wendy Williams and go out

to brunch with your sassy girlfriends.

I did not understand

that the whole price you have to pay

for staying at home

is that you've gotta be a mom.

Oh, and that's a job.

It's a wack-ass job.

You get no 401K, no co-workers.

You're just in solitary confinement

all day long

with this human Tamagotchi...

That don't got no reset button,

so the stakes are extremely high.

A toy Tamagotchi is more communicative

than a human baby.

Okay? Because the toy will at least

tell you when it poos.

With a human baby, you just have to guess

and check your intuition

by sniffing its ass...

Twenty-six times a day.

And you can't phone it in

and sniff it from afar.

You really gotta flip the baby over,

plant your face in the baby's ass

and give it a good yoga inhale

with your mouth and everything,

because the inside of your nose has been

singed from all the poo-poo smelling.

That's how I know I love my baby more

than anybody else in the entire world.

I told my husband "Till death do us part."

And not once have I ever...

sniffed his ass...

To check if he shit his pants.

I've licked it, but I haven't sniffed it.

Because sniffing it would be disgusting!


And if you haven't licked ass yet,

grow up. Grow the f*ck up.

And learn how to be

in a long-term, committed,

lasting-relationship full of love

where you have to make sacrifices

for the greater good.

My dream, my goal for the longest time

was to be a trophy wife,

but then I found out

that in order to be a trophy wife,

you have to be a trophy.

I am more of a commemorative plaque.

I joined a moms' group in Los Angeles.

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Ali Wong

Alexandra "Ali" Wong (born April 19, 1982) is an American actress, stand-up comedian, and writer. She is noted for her Netflix stand-up specials Baby Cobra and Hard Knock Wife, as well as her television appearances in American Housewife, Are You There, Chelsea?, Inside Amy Schumer, and Black Box. She also wrote for the first three seasons of the sitcom Fresh Off the Boat. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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