Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

My parents say there's

no such thing as a bad day.

That it's all how you look at it.

What can I tell you? Parents.

Here is what I know.

They're wrong.

My name is Alexander,

and I'm the expert in bad days.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

That's not coming off.

Did I mention my dad

is a relentless optimist?

We're in the home stretch.

And look at Mom.

She's not fooling anyone

with that "Mom smile."

Believe it or not,

by the time we got home...

this van was in better

shape than we were.

There's my sister Emily, the actress.

Always ready to take a bow.

Anthony, my brother, a total

winner with a great sense of style.

And baby Trevor.

Sorry, pal. Definitely not coming off.

Bottom line,

today was an epic disaster.

The worst day possible.

Everyone in my family would agree.

But what they don't know,

is it was all my fault.

And it wasn't over yet.

You overslept, bud.

Don't blow my didgeridoo!

What's it for, then?

You're invited!

Philip Parker turning 12.

Tomorrow night?

No!

He's the trick to... Good morning!

There she is!

You are going to be so impressed.

I made what is known as...

the crustless quiche, the frittata.

Wow. What is this?

Two months ago, you couldn't even

grill cheese, and now...

That looks so good.

Egg and cheese.

Excellent.

Thank you.

So, what are you gentlemen up to today?

Well, let's see.

Em has

a dentist appointment this morning...

Right, right.

And then the two of us are going

to Mommy and Me Yoga.

- With Summer?

- Yes.

Will you tell her I still exist?

I will. And then when he takes his nap,

I'm gonna send out some resumes.

Good.

What a to-do to die today

at a minute or two to two.

A thing distinctly hard to

say but harder still to do.

We'll beat a tattoo at a minute or two

and a rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tattoo...

and the dragon will come

to the beat of the drum

at a minute or two to two today...

at a minute or two to two.

- I need to pee.

- You have gum in your hair.

A big black bug bit a big black bear...

No!

Anthony! Alexander!

Accelerate. Come on!

One minute!

If it ain't broke, right?

Guess what?

Philip Parker's having

his birthday party tomorrow night.

That's when

you're having your birthday party.

I know! And I just got the invitation.

He's going all-out, Dad.

He's getting an energy drink bar,

a Korean taco truck, a live band.

That sounds legit.

I think he's having black lights

and a karaoke machine.

I love karaoke parties.

Look, can I compete with all of that?

Come on,

your birthday's gonna be great.

It's gonna be fun.

We're gonna have pizza.

I'm gonna make a cake.

Maybe some volleyball in the pool.

Philip Parker's having a fog

machine and we're having pizza?

- Don't worry.

- You're drinking coffee?

What about my party?

Since when did you

start drinking coffee?

I'm not a morning person.

Can you check his diaper?

You just dropped Bumble Bee.

- You drop Bumble Bee?

- I think he might be wet.

No. Bumble Bee. There you go.

Wish I could be there, bro,

but I got prom tomorrow night.

I thought that was next week.

It is what it is.

I'll probably be wiped out from

my Peter Pan premiere...

but I'll be happy to sing

for you and all of your friends.

No, no, no.

Think of a wonderful thought...

Probably Mrs. Gibson. Okay.

Honey, Dad's taking

Emily to the dentist.

I've got Anthony. So you're in carpool.

- Take a frittata. It's a crustless quiche.

- There you go.

What did you do to your hair?

Nothing.

Say hi to Mrs. Gibson!

Remember your manners.

Hi, Becky!

Hey, Alexander.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

Let's go, kids.

Lord of the Flies?

Pretty scary, right?

Lord of the Flies

is beautiful, Alexander.

It's a deep and meaningful allegory

about our own messed-up society.

Yeah, totally.

That's what I meant with "scary."

The society stuff. Crazy.

Check out this app.

He puts your face on

some bikini model's body.

It's really gross and sexist.

This is gonna be hilarious.

- What are you doing?

- Wait, hold on!

- No, no, no.

- I'm not done.

Hey, babe.

Is everything okay?

Your last text was so cold.

No, I said, "See you at school"?

Yeah. I'm your girlfriend, Anthony.

You really should end your texts

with "x-o-x-o" or "I heart you."

You can make a heart

with the less-than sign and a three.

Yeah, I'll try to remember.

So, a bunch of the girls were talking,

and they're all going in limos.

We are getting a limo tomorrow, right?

No, I am taking

my driver's test tomorrow, babe.

The first thing I wanna

do as a licensed driver

is chauffeur you to the prom.

It'll be romantic and stuff.

Well, I do want it to be romantic.

It will be.

Also, I have it from a very

good source who says...

we're being crowned Duke and Duchess

at the Royal Court

tomorrow night at prom.

- That's so tight!

- I know. Isn't it like the best thing ever?

This is the worst thing ever.

These look so real.

I can't believe

Elliot text-bombed the whole school.

Don't worry about it, man.

Elliot's an idiot.

No one's even gonna look at these.

Hey, Paul.

Philip, my man.

Nice b*obs, Alexander.

Since when are

you friends with Philip Parker?

We go to the same psychopharmacologist.

He's got ADHD, too. He's super nice.

No, he's not.

He's throwing a huge party tomorrow,

and it's not even his actual birthday.

His is next week.

You realize it's just gonna

be you and me at my party.

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