Abbott and Costello Meet the Keystone Kops

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Poor girl.

You leave her alone or I'll

punch you right in the nose.

Sit down!

Any time you make

a date with me, keep it.

By the way, did you put your

aunt's $5,000 in the bank?

Money?

Yeah.

Tickets, please.

Tickets.

How many?

One.

You're cute.

You're silly.

So is your old man.

Willie, do you realize that

a person that puts money...

in this moving picture business

is gonna make a fortune?

Give me that money.

Now...

I got to put that in the bank

like my aunt told me to do.

Willie, listen to this. See it right

here? "Do you want to become rich?

"If so, invest in this new

entertainment medium, Motion Pictures.

"$5,000 cash buys

a fully equipped studio. "

Willie, opportunity

is knocking at your door!

Tell him I'm not home.

I went to the bank.

Wait a minute, Willie.

Have you no foresight?

I can see it up in lights now.

Piper's Phenomenal Pictures,

Willie Piper, President.

Harry Pierce, General Manager.

That's what will happen

if you give me the $5,000.

If I give you the $5,000, I'll

be Willie Piper the pauper.

Look, we're only borrowing the money.

We'll pay your aunt back in no time.

There's a fortune made

in these comedy pictures.

Comedies?

Yes.

Harry, I don't like comedies,

I like those dramatic pictures.

Where the little girl says to her papa,

"Papa, please, Papa, don't beat me...

"I beg of you, Papa,

don't beat me, Papa.

"I'll get the money for you,

Papa. Don't beat me, Papa. "

You should be ashamed of yourself,

beating up your son like that.

If I ever catch

you beating that boy again...

I'll report you

to the juvenile authorities.

Did you get hurt? What's the

idea of having me beat up?

I didn't mean to have you beat

up. Here, you can take the money.

I'll take the money

after I have you beat up.

Oh, don't. Now don't

strike your poor old father.

Don't strike

your poor old dad.

I'm your father, Son. Don't

hit me. Please don't hit me.

Harry. Here, listen.

Here, you can take the money,

but don't have me beat up.

Please, don't have me beat up.

Don't beat me up.

What did I just tell you?

You did it again.

I'm sorry, Harry.

Here, you can take my aunt's

money and buy the studio.

Thanks.

Could I have a receipt?

With pleasure.

Now if you'll sign right here, Mr. Piper,

this will complete the transaction...

and you'll become the proud owner

of the best studio in the country.

Mr. Gorman, if this is such a good

studio, why do you want to sell it?

Mr. Piper, that question shows

what a shrewd businessman you are.

The fact of the matter is,

I happen to own two studios...

this one in West Orange, New

Jersey and one in Brooklyn.

The long trip

is just too much for me.

So I'm selling you the studio

in West Orange.

Harry, don't you think we

ought to see this studio first?

Now, Mr. Gorman

is a very busy man.

Mr. Piper is perfectly right,

he should see it.

And busy though I am,

I'm going to show it to him.

Here's a picture of it.

Say, what's this sign,

"Edison"?

That's my middle name,

Joseph Edison Gorman.

Now, will you please

sign here?

Mr. Piper, Mr. Pierce, I want you

to meet one of my leading ladies...

Miss Van Cleef.

How do you do?

How do you do?

How do you do?

Darling, I don't

want you to get too upset.

I've just sold the West

Orange studio to Mr. Piper.

Thank heavens. I hated that

trip. The ferry made me seasick.

Well, best of luck, gentlemen, and if there's

anything I can do to help, just let me know.

Lots of success to you.

I withdrew all the money from the

bank. Let's make our getaway...

before those suckers scream

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