Abbott and Costello Meet the Keystone Kops
- Year:
- 1955
- 80 min
- 70 Views
Poor girl.
punch you right in the nose.
Sit down!
Any time you make
a date with me, keep it.
By the way, did you put your
aunt's $5,000 in the bank?
Money?
Yeah.
Tickets, please.
Tickets.
How many?
One.
You're cute.
You're silly.
So is your old man.
Willie, do you realize that
a person that puts money...
in this moving picture business
is gonna make a fortune?
Give me that money.
Now...
I got to put that in the bank
like my aunt told me to do.
Willie, listen to this. See it right
here? "Do you want to become rich?
"If so, invest in this new
entertainment medium, Motion Pictures.
"$5,000 cash buys
a fully equipped studio. "
Willie, opportunity
is knocking at your door!
Tell him I'm not home.
I went to the bank.
Wait a minute, Willie.
Have you no foresight?
I can see it up in lights now.
Piper's Phenomenal Pictures,
Willie Piper, President.
Harry Pierce, General Manager.
That's what will happen
if you give me the $5,000.
If I give you the $5,000, I'll
be Willie Piper the pauper.
Look, we're only borrowing the money.
We'll pay your aunt back in no time.
There's a fortune made
in these comedy pictures.
Comedies?
Yes.
Harry, I don't like comedies,
I like those dramatic pictures.
Where the little girl says to her papa,
"Papa, please, Papa, don't beat me...
"I beg of you, Papa,
don't beat me, Papa.
"I'll get the money for you,
Papa. Don't beat me, Papa. "
You should be ashamed of yourself,
beating up your son like that.
If I ever catch
you beating that boy again...
I'll report you
to the juvenile authorities.
Did you get hurt? What's the
idea of having me beat up?
I didn't mean to have you beat
up. Here, you can take the money.
I'll take the money
after I have you beat up.
Oh, don't. Now don't
strike your poor old father.
Don't strike
your poor old dad.
I'm your father, Son. Don't
hit me. Please don't hit me.
Harry. Here, listen.
Here, you can take the money,
but don't have me beat up.
Please, don't have me beat up.
Don't beat me up.
What did I just tell you?
You did it again.
I'm sorry, Harry.
Here, you can take my aunt's
money and buy the studio.
Thanks.
Could I have a receipt?
With pleasure.
Now if you'll sign right here, Mr. Piper,
this will complete the transaction...
and you'll become the proud owner
of the best studio in the country.
Mr. Gorman, if this is such a good
studio, why do you want to sell it?
Mr. Piper, that question shows
what a shrewd businessman you are.
The fact of the matter is,
I happen to own two studios...
this one in West Orange, New
Jersey and one in Brooklyn.
The long trip
is just too much for me.
So I'm selling you the studio
in West Orange.
Harry, don't you think we
ought to see this studio first?
Now, Mr. Gorman
is a very busy man.
he should see it.
And busy though I am,
I'm going to show it to him.
Here's a picture of it.
Say, what's this sign,
"Edison"?
That's my middle name,
Joseph Edison Gorman.
Now, will you please
sign here?
Mr. Piper, Mr. Pierce, I want you
to meet one of my leading ladies...
Miss Van Cleef.
How do you do?
How do you do?
How do you do?
Darling, I don't
want you to get too upset.
I've just sold the West
Orange studio to Mr. Piper.
Thank heavens. I hated that
trip. The ferry made me seasick.
Well, best of luck, gentlemen, and if there's
anything I can do to help, just let me know.
Lots of success to you.
I withdrew all the money from the
bank. Let's make our getaway...
before those suckers scream
to the Bunko Squad.
They won't bother us. I've
got a new deal figured out.
Always a new deal, a new bunch of
suckers and then on the run again.
I can't take it any longer,
Joe.
No more running.
We're going legitimate.
The cops will be glad to hear that, after
they put you away for a long stretch.
The cops will be looking for
Joe Gorman who no longer exists.
Instead,
he will be the famous
European director...
Sergei Toumanoff.
How you gonna do this, with mirrors? No.
Nose job, a moustache, a marcel
toupee, that'll do the business.
Well, what about
the directing?
The only directing you've ever done
was to steer some sucker to his bank.
Look, Leota, in Hollywood it isn't what
you are, it's what they think you are.
We'll arrive there with such
a fanfare of publicity...
that every Hollywood bigwig
will roll out the red carpet.
The way you say it,
it sounds wonderful, Joe.
Not my finger.
Hit the head.
Two more suckers.
Hey, just a minute, mister.
I know. You bought the studio
from a man named Gorman.
You're right.
How did you know?
Follow me, sir.
Look at these.
"Cushman Studio. "
"Grant Productions. "
"Struthers Kinema Company. "
"Brent Studios. "
I don't get it.
Willie bought this studio.
I have the bill of sale
right here in my pocket.
They all had a bill of sale.
This plant belongs
to Mr. Thomas A. Edison.
This is the first motion
picture studio ever built.
It dates back to 1893.
It isn't used anymore.
No, but Gorman
used it to swindle Willie.
Now just a minute.
How am I gonna get my $5,000
back to give to my aunt?
You better report it to the Bunko
Squad. Good day and I wish you luck.
Thank you, sir.
What am I gonna tell my aunt?
Tell her anything. It's my own fault
for letting you talk me into this thing.
Come on, we'll try
and get your money.
What are you gonna
do with that sign?
Put it here
with the other ones.
When we get to California, how do
you know Gorman's gonna be there?
We'll wait for him. You
heard what the detective said.
They traced them all the way to the
train that was heading for the coast.
And then
they lost track of them.
I wish I'd lost him
before he found me.
Why didn't you tell me
the train was coming?
Where did you think that whistle
was coming from? A peanut stand?
I was trying to scare
you a little bit. Yeah.
Come on, if we're gonna
get Gorman, let's get going.
Harry, my foot is stuck.
Will you help me?
What's the matter?
Foot is stuck.
Let me see.
Don't get excited,
I'll throw the switch.
Hurry up, will you?
Throw the switch.
Throw the switch.
You made it tighter.
Harry, get up.
Harry, don't play like that now,
pull the switch will you, Harry?
Harry.
Willie. Willie.
Willie, tell me where it hurts.
Where does it hurt, Willie?
I'll get you to California if I
have to carry you all the way myself.
Going my way, fellows?
We sure are.
Why, you dirty double-crosser.
No, you don't.
No thanks, pop. We're in a
hurry. We're going to California.
So am I. Sure would enjoy
company on this trip.
Yeah, but we're in a hurry.
Thanks a lot.
Well, so long.
Come on. Let's go with the
poor old man to California.
We can get there
faster by walking.
Walking?
Certainly.
No, you don't.
Pick up those bags.
Pick up those bags.
Pick them up.
Didn't know we were
scheduled to stop here.
Next stop's supposed
to be Los Angeles.
Translation
Translate and read this script in other languages:
Select another language:
- - Select -
- 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
- 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
- Español (Spanish)
- Esperanto (Esperanto)
- 日本語 (Japanese)
- Português (Portuguese)
- Deutsch (German)
- العربية (Arabic)
- Français (French)
- Русский (Russian)
- ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
- 한국어 (Korean)
- עברית (Hebrew)
- Gaeilge (Irish)
- Українська (Ukrainian)
- اردو (Urdu)
- Magyar (Hungarian)
- मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
- Indonesia (Indonesian)
- Italiano (Italian)
- தமிழ் (Tamil)
- Türkçe (Turkish)
- తెలుగు (Telugu)
- ภาษาไทย (Thai)
- Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
- Čeština (Czech)
- Polski (Polish)
- Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
- Românește (Romanian)
- Nederlands (Dutch)
- Ελληνικά (Greek)
- Latinum (Latin)
- Svenska (Swedish)
- Dansk (Danish)
- Suomi (Finnish)
- فارسی (Persian)
- ייִדיש (Yiddish)
- հայերեն (Armenian)
- Norsk (Norwegian)
- English (English)
Citation
Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:
Style:MLAChicagoAPA
"Abbott and Costello Meet the Keystone Kops" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 4 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/abbott_and_costello_meet_the_keystone_kops_2135>.
Discuss this script with the community:
Report Comment
We're doing our best to make sure our content is useful, accurate and safe.
If by any chance you spot an inappropriate comment while navigating through our website please use this form to let us know, and we'll take care of it shortly.
Attachment
You need to be logged in to favorite.
Log In