A Prairie Home Companion
Market reports today...
barrows and gilts at 220 to 260 pounds
are lower at $40.
Sows are steady.
Goin' over to the feeder cattle,
beef steers, $120 to $150...
The way I like to do it...
is I take one can
and then one package of egg noodles.
I like the egg noodles
better than the Italian ones.
I like to put...
If we look at what the Lord said
in the book of Revelation...
you can be sure
that there's a price to pay...
for the way of the flesh
and that price will be paid if you don't...
Here's the wind-up and the pitch.
And it's two and two, two and two...
Before you just say,
'Honey, I think we have to have...
'some couple's counseling.
I mean, I think we have a problem.
'I can't leave a cup here for...'
All right. It's time for traffic on the fives...
and let's find out
what's going on with your drive.
Let's go to Chopper.
Chopper, what's happening?
All right, Lettie.
We got a fifteen-minute, uh, wait... 494.
There's an accident working
at the spaghetti junction.
at 630, but it still
will make a very slow go...
A quiet night in a city that knows
how to keep its secrets.
But one man is still looking for
the answers to life's persistent questions.
That's me.
Or it used to be.
It was a rainy Saturday night in St. Paul...
and I had just finished off
with beans for a chaser...
and it was time to head
for work across the street.
I'm a private eye.
Noir's the name.
Guy Noir.
But I'd taken temporary employment
about six years before...
doing security for a radio show
called A Prairie Home Companion...
on account of a serious
cash-flow problem...
due to a lack of missing heiresses
and dead tycoons lying in the solarium...
with lipstick stains
In other words, I was broke.
This radio show was done
out of an old theater called the Fitzgerald...
and it had been on the air
since Jesus was in the third grade.
a few hundred people on Saturday nights.
It was a live radio variety show,
the kind that died fifty years ago...
but somebody forgot to tell them
until this night.
A big corporation down in Texas
had bought up the radio station...
and their axeman,
a guy named Cruett...
was on his way to St. Paul
to shut the thing down...
and turn the theater
into a parking lot.
It was curtains and everybody knew it,
but nobody said so.
They were Midwesterners.
They felt like if you ignored bad news,
it might go away.
Not my philosophy,
but I'm not from here.
Stay on the edge of the crowd.
Keep your eyes open.
That's my motto.
It was my last night
of gainful employment...
and I had a feeling
it was maybe going to be interesting.
# I used to work in Chicago #
# At a convenience store #
# I used to work in Chicago #
# I did, but I don't anymore #
Ladies and gentlemen, we are now
at ten minutes from broadcast, please.
Ten minutes.
# A lady walked in
with some porcelain skin #
# And I asked her what she came in for #
# 'Liquor,' she said, and lick her I did #
# And I don't work there anymore #
Molly.
What... OK, OK.
Jesus, the schedule.
Uh...
Where's my pencil?
I gotta show you some changes.
Where's my pencil?
I just put it down here a second ago.
Where'd you put it last?
I just had it here a second ago.
Oh, it's... it's...
Don't mess with those.
Hey, hey, hey.
Please, move that back.
This one will make the...
This will make the wife
green-eyed with envy.
Ooh!
One more.
Do you think
she's coming by the studio?
Cuddle up a little bit.
There you go.
Hey, Guy.
How are you tonight?
I need a little help from you.
Take these Johnson Girl t-shirts.
Have someone take 'em up front.
- I'll take care of it.
- Nice tie.
Well, it's about damn time.
Hey, Al.
Givin' me a heart attack here.
What is this? Rewrites?
What's wrong with the old script?
How does that feel?
Give me a little sound effects on that one.
Ladies and gentlemen,
we are now at six minutes to broadcast.
Six minutes from broadcast, please.
That's the... that's the...
Hey, Rich, that's that Honolulu mama...
how she could dance
in her pink pajamas...
when she took off
her Oahu Oahu Oahu.
No, it's an old
Carter family song, right?
A what?
Carter family, sweetheart.
Just like us, only famous.
Now, how long you been doin' this?
Doin' what?
Puttin' my pants on?
How long you been doin' radio?
Oh.
I don't know.
Thirty-some years, I guess.
Started out in Mark Twain Days,
Mississippi River...
and they hired me to play Huck Finn.
I was running a raft
on the Mississippi...
and carrying people across, and, uh...
it ran into the wake of a steamboat.
Mr. Keillor?
We need you on stage.
Fine. I'm right there.
Is this the story about the guy
who ends up hangin' from a kite...
bein' pulled by a boat
with his shorts around his ankles?
No. No, it's a different story
about a pontoon boat.
Oh! Look at this old house.
Good-bye, old house.
Good-bye, old porch.
Good-bye, old Guy.
Hey, Guy. What are they gonna do
with this house, you think? Huh?
I figure it had somethin' to do...
with the dumpster
that showed up yesterday.
Oh, my God.
Honey, listen.
I brought you that cute little dress...
I already told you,
I don't like the dress.
At least try it on.
I want to see it on you.
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"A Prairie Home Companion" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Mar. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/a_prairie_home_companion_16148>.
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