A Midsummer's Fantasia

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1

Max:
IN A WORLD WHERE

THE MESSENGERS OF TRUTH,

THE COURIERS OF JUSTICE,

BRAVELY GO FORTH

TO COMPLETE THEIR

APPOINTED ROUTES...

[COMPUTER VOICE SPEAKING]

ONE LONE HERO STANDS OU AMONG THE REST.

Max:
ONE FEARLESS RIDER

HAS THE FORTITUDE

TO DELIVER THE GOODS.

TO STAND UP TO THE FORCES

OF DARKNESS,

THE LEGIONS OF DOOM,

THE ARMIES OF OPPRESSION,

AND THE EVIL:

ICE CREAM MAN.

PAPERBOY.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Ice Cream Man:
WELCOME

TO THE ICE AGE, PAPERBOY!

[MANIACAL LAUGHTER]

Ice Cream Man:

I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM

WE ALL SCREAM:

FOR ICE CREAM!

OH, NUTS! I FORGO THE SPRINKLES!

HA HA HA HA HA!

HEY, MAX.

OHH!

HMM! A TONY HAWK

SUNDAE!

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

OH, THAT ICE CREAM MAN

SURE IS EVIL.

[HORNS BLARE]

[HORN HONKS]

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY,

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]

HUH!

HUH!

HAH!

[KUNG FU MOVIE STYLE]

I WILL DEFEAT YOU

WITH MY COMPLICATED

FIGHTING MOVE.

WE SHALL SEE WHOSE KUNG FU

IS SUPERIOR. HYAH!

[MAKING KUNG FU

FIGHTING SOUNDS]

YAH!

OHH.

YAH!

PAPERBOY POWER!

AAH!

[THUD]

HA.

Ice Cream Man:

DIDN'T HURT!

YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU

CAN'T HIDE, PAPERBOY!

EVERYWHERE:

GONNA DO EVERYTHING

GONNA DO MY BES TO REACH YOUR SKY

'CAUSE I DON'T CARE

WHOO-HOO!

HUH?

[TIRES SQUEALING]

YEAH!

PAPER?

WHAT TOOK YOU:

SO LONG?

I, UH, STOPPED

FOR SOME ICE CREAM.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Both:
AAH!

[BEEPING] GET OU OF BED, JABRODIE.

GET OUT OF BED,

JABRODIE.

GET OUT OF BED--OW!

HEH.

Max:
OK, I DREAMED IT.

SO MAYBE MY LIFE REALLY

ISN'T LIKE THAT.

AND MAYBE I'M NO THE COOLEST KID EVER.

BUT TODAY WAS THE FIRST DAY

OF JUNIOR HIGH,

AND I WAS SURE THAT THINGS

WERE GONNA BE DIFFERENT.

YA-HA-HA!

I HAD A NEW LOOK.

I WAS A BALLER,

A SHOT-CALLER.

I WAS A PLAYER:

WITH PHAT ATTITUDE.

OR, AS I LIKE TO CALL IT...

PHAT-ITUDE.

HI, MOM.

IT'S FINISHED.

THE HOUSE IS PERFECT.

JUST AS I'D ALWAYS

PICTURED IT.

BUT LET'S KEEP THA BETWEEN YOU AND ME, OK?

Max:
MEET MY MOM.

SHE'S BEEN PUTTING

THE "FINISHING TOUCHES"

ON OUR HOUSE:

FOR, LIKE, 6 YEARS.

YOU COULD SAY:

SHE'S A BIT OBSESSED.

THIS IS MY HOUSE.

MY KITCHEN! MINE!

MORNING.

Max:
THIS IS MY DAD.

HE WORKS IN ADVERTISING.

HIS BOSS, MR. FOGE,

MAKES HIM WEAR GOOFY

COSTUMES SOMETIMES.

LUCKILY, HE'S GOT US

FOR SUPPORT.

WHAT IS THAT?

HEH.

I'M, UH, LIEUTENANT LOBSTER.

FOR THE LOBSTER SHACK

PITCH TODAY?

DO YOU REALLY HAVE

TO WEAR THAT?

LILY, COME ON.

FOGE HAS GOT A DOZEN

JUNIOR AD EXECS:

LINED UP BEHIND ME

WHO'D BE HAPPY TO BE

LIEUTENANT LOBSTER.

FOGED AGAIN.

Don:
BUT JUS FOR THIS PITCH.

Max:

I BETTER BE OFF.

Lily:

OFF TO JUNIOR HIGH,

MY LITTLE SOLDIER

ALL GROWN UP. MM.

GOOD LUCK, HONEY.

Max:

THANKS, MOM.

DON'T BREAK ANYTHING.

OK, MOM.

Don:
HEY, MAX?

YOU WANT A RIDE?

UM...THAT'S OK.

I'M GONNA

TAKE THE BUS.

YEAH, THE BUS.

RIGHT.

Max:
YOU KNOW THAT KID

EVERYONE THINKS IS WEIRD,

BUT HE DOESN'T CARE

WHAT EVERYONE THINKS?

THIS IS HIM.

HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.

HIS NAME'S ROBERT, BUT WE

CALL HIM ROBE. GUESS WHY?

HEY, YOU GUYS!

Max:
THIS IS MY OTHER BES FRIEND. HER NAME'S MEGAN.

SHE NEVER GOES ANYWHERE

WITHOUT HER CLARINET...

AAH!

[THUD]

OH!

[LAUGHTER]

Max:
EVEN WHEN SHE

TAKES A TRIP.

YOU OK?

YEAH, I'M TOUGH

LIKE A TANK.

YEAH, THE SEPTIC TANK.

[LAUGHS]

SAYS THE FREAK:

IN THE ROBE:

THAT SMELLS:

LIKE DIAPERS.

[MOCKING]

MAX, WHERE'S

YOUR BASSOON?

UM...MY BASSOON...

I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA

TAKE BAND TOGETHER.

I'VE BEEN THINKING.

IT'S JUNIOR HIGH.

IS BAND STILL COOL?

COOL? WHAT ARE YOU

TALKING ABOUT?

SINCE WHEN HAVE:

WE BEEN COOL?

ALL I'M SAYIN' IS,

LET'S TRY

TO ACT COOL.

SWEET! A CAN.

BLECH!

EWW!

TODAY:

I CHANGED:

BUT TOO LATE:

'CAUSE EVERY TOWN

FEELS THE SAME:

I'M DIFFERENT

AND YOU'RE DISTANT

ADD IT UP AND IT MAKES

NO DIFFERENCE:

FOR THE YEARBOOK.

HOW'S THIS? "SHEEP

ARRIVE FOR SLAUGHTER"?

Kid:
NO, NO, NO!

PLEASE! PLEASE!

DON'T MAKE ME GO!

I DON'T WANNA GO!

I DON'T WANNA GO!

DOES HE KNOW:

SOMETHING WE DON'T?

Jindraike:

HERE THEY COME.

WITH THEIR PIMPLES

AND THEIR BRACES

AND THEIR RICKETS

AND THEIR LICE.

THEIR SNOT-NOSED,

BAGGY-PANTSED,

HIGH-PITCHED,

SQUEALING VOICES.

AND YET,

EACH ONE A RUNG:

ON THE LADDER:

OF MY SUCCESS.

A LADDER THAT ENDS

IN A VAST NEON SIGN

THAT STRETCHES ACROSS

THE NIGHT SKY.

Mrs. Rangoon:

PRINCIPAL JINDRAIKE?

THESE CAME FROM YOUR

REAL-ESTATE AGENT.

THE SIGN, MRS. RANGOON.

WHAT DOES IT SAY?

"SUPERINTENDEN JINDRAIKE."

THE SIGN:

ON MY OFFICE DOOR.

THAT'S WHA IT SHOULD SAY.

SOUNDS SO MUCH BETTER

THAN "SUPERINTENDEN KNEBWORTH."

IT'S CLASSIER, TOO.

WHEN KNEBWORTH SEES

WHAT I'VE DONE HERE

IN HIS HONOR,

THE OLD DINOSAUR

IS SURE TO MAKE ME

HIS SUCCESSOR.

BUT, FIRST THINGS FIRST,

MRS. RANGOON.

SET UP THE VIDEO

BROADCAST MACHINE DEVICE.

[SPRAYS]

I WANT TO ADDRESS

THE ACNE-STRAFED MASSES.

OOH--AAH!

[CLATTER]

OW!

CURTIS JUNIOR HIGH

HAS A LONG:

AND FASCINATING HISTORY

OF COLORFUL BULLIES.

YOU'RE LYING.

AM I?

IN 1985,

TOMATO-FACE CALLAHAN.

HE'D WALK RIGHT UP

TO YOU:

AND SHOVE A TOMATO

IN YOUR FACE.

[GASPS]

Photographer:
1991,

WEDGIE JACKSON.

HE INVENTED THE:

WORLD WIDE WEDGE.

[GASPS]

Photographer:
WHICH

BRINGS US TO THIS YEAR.

Both:
TROY McGINTY.

[GASPS]

Boy:
WORD IS,

HE'S GONNA POUND

ON A DIFFERENT KID

EVERY DAY.

AND HE'S DEVISED

HIS OWN SPECIAL WY

OF LETTING:

THE WORLD KNOW:

WHO HE'S

COMING AFTER.

[CROWD GASPS]

Crowd:
MAX KEEBLE?

HERE.

Teacher:
ALL RIGHT.

JULIUS KLINGHOFFER.

HERE.

ALL RIGHT.

LIL'--LIL' ROMEO?

YO, WHUZZUP? I'M

OVER HERE, WO DAT.

OK.

LIL' ROMEO'S

IN THE HOUSE.

I'M DOWN WITH THAT.

TINA MICHAELS?

Jindraike on TV:

AND NOW...

THIS IS PRINCIPAL JINDRAIKE.

ALL STUDENTS WILL REPOR TO THE ASSEMBLY HALL

DURING THIRD PERIOD

FOR A SPECIAL PRESENTATION.

ATTENDANCE IS MANDATORY.

ALL MUST ATTEND.

NOT ATTENDING IS PROHIBITED.

THAT IS ALL.

THANK YOU.

YES! THE REVIEWS ARE IN.

HAA! JINDRAIKE,

2 THUMBS UP.

[LAUGHTER]

Jindraike:

I LAUGHED, I CRIED.

THE MAN'S A GENIUS.

Mrs. Rangoon:

PRINCIPAL JINDRAIKE!

WHAT IS IT NOW, RANGOON?

THE RED LIGHT'S

STILL ON.

I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT.

[LAUGHING]

Boy:

DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE!

GOOD MORNING.

I'M MS. DINGMAN,

AND WELCOME TO LIFE SCIENCE.

[WHIMPERS]

YOU OK?

I CAN'T FEEL

MY FINGERS.

[GULP]

...LIKE THIS.

PHEROMONES.

NATURE'S DATING SERVICE.

ODORLESS, COLORLESS.

IT'S HOW MANY SPECIES

ATTRACT MATES.

A CHEMICAL PROCESS

WHICH CAUSES:

AN IRRESISTIBLE:

ATTRACTION...

[STUDENTS GASP]

IN THE...AHEM...

OPPOSITE SEX.

[GULP]

ALLOW ME:

TO DEMONSTRATE.

WOULD SOMEONE LIKE

TO OPEN THE WINDOW

FOR ME, PLEASE?

Boys:
OOH!

OOH! OOH!

YOU IN THE...ROBE.

Boys:
AW.

[BRACK]

[BRACK]

Boy:
WOW,

THAT'S COOL!

Ms. Dingman:

YOU SEE?

IRRESISTIBLE.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

[BRITNEY SPEARS' ...BABY,

ONE MORE TIME PLAYING]

OH, BABY, BABY

EH, EH

[MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS]

ARE YOU OK?

YEAH! YEAH.

I'M FINE.

YOU LOOK KIND OF

FAMILIAR.

I DELIVER YOUR PAPER.

UM, I'M MAX, JENNA.

OH, YEAH.

SO, YOU GO TO SCHOOL

HERE NOW?

YOU PLAY:

TH-THE CLARINET.

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