
9 Dead Gay Guys
Nine Gay Dead Guys
The year I went down to London
to actively seek work
was a significant year for me.
Dossing about on the dole
was hardly new to me exactly,
down in London...
now that was a significant change.
You see, I'm a lazy bastard at the best of times,
But if a dosser like me can find gainful
employment
in the big smoke
then so could anyone.
or at least that's what I told
my best mate Kenny, from Ireland.
Which might explain why you see him here.
My best mate Kenny, over, from Ireland.
Unannounced, unexpectedly visiting,
this lazy bastard
Who, it has to be said, well
It goes without saying,
That lazy bastard's me.
For frig's sake, Kenny,
What the frig are you doing here?
What the frig are you doing here?
More like it.
You look like shite...
I feel like shite.
Rough night, last night, was it?
Yeah
Guess you'd call it that.
What happened there?
What happened where?
There!
Black Death, last night
Black Death, last night...
What?
Call in sick, did you?
you know, work
Your job.
Recruitment Manager
In the city, 18 K.
You don't have one, do you?
Now, I could have lied and said 'yes'
And granted, my mate Kenny he does look stupid,
But let's be honest here.
Look at the state of me.
I had to say
No.
Frig me Byron,
Look at you.
You're a frigging mess.
You're back on the booze again?
For frig's sake, Kenny.
You're giving me a sore head.
That's not me.
That's last night.
What are you down here for anyway?
I'm down here because you told me
the streets of London are paved with gold.
Like shite.
Exactly, like shite.
I think I need a drink.
I think it's me that needs a drink.
Look, Byron.
It's my last fiver.
my one and only.
You don't know any good pub by any
chance, do you?
Aye, I knew a good pub alright.
My best mate Kenny.
Only a wee part of him had fallen for
my story
about the city job.
...two Guinnesses, please.
The larger percentage,
The overruling majority of him had always
suspected
that it was a total load of shite.
Byron?
What?
Still, all the same,
I don't think he could have quite expected this.
Know what I mean?
This is a frigging gay pub!
Aye, I know.
If you know, then what the f*ck are
we doing here?
Kenny!
A pub's a pub, a drink's a drink,
And I need a frigging drink.
Now, where's your fiver?
Here.
Well where's your money?
Kenny,
There's detox week
and there's giro week
This is detox week.
you happy?
I'll be happy just as long as
no one talks to us
all right?
Hi, Byron.
Hey, have you heard?
The queen's dead!
The queen dead? No!
Yes, died last night.
Poor bitch!
Now that, presumably,
was the first gay guy, to my knowledge,
that Kenny has ever met in his
entire life.
At least, it's the first gay guy
he's ever met through me!
And I'll have to be honest with you,
It was far from being the last.
You all right, Kenny?
Just so long as you don't kiss any
more gay guys
on the cheek I'll be all right.
Byron
Hi Jeff.
How are you?
Take a seat and meet my mate Kenny.
He's just come over from Ireland.
Oh, from Ireland, how sweet.
Unfortunately, you Irish boys
tend to get corrupted when you get to London
so my advice to you would be to go
straight back.
Unlike you, I am addicted
to this God-awful city, unfortunately.
Yes, I'm much too old to be a practicing poof,
But I enjoy it rather too much to give it up.
Oh, Byron, have you heard,
Her majesty, her royal highness
is dead.
I did actually.
When did that happen?
Last night.
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"9 Dead Gay Guys" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 5 Mar. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/9_dead_gay_guys_1809>.