Addams Family Values

[Howling]

[Howling]

Come, sorrow.

We welcome thee.

Let us join in grief,

rejoice in despair,

and honor

the fortunate dead.

Dearly beloved...

[Cat meows]

Shh!

Tsk tsk tsk.

Good show, old man.

Gomez.

Cara Mia?

Marvelous news.

I'm going to have a baby...

Right now.

Nurse, how close

are the contractions?

Every 15 seconds,

doctor.

Are you in

unbearable pain?

Is it inhuman?

My darling, is it torture?

Oui.

And then mommy

kissed daddy,

and the angel

told the stork.

The stork

flew down from heaven

and left a diamond under a leaf

in the cabbage patch,

and the diamond

turned into a baby.

Our parents

are having a baby, too.

They had sex.

Push, Mrs. Addams.

[Moans lightly]

Forceps!

Forceps.

Forceps!

Aah!

[Crying]

Would you like

anesthesia?

No, thank you.

But ask the children.

Cara Mia.

Mon Cher.

Mrs. Addams, the baby?

Pardon.

- It's a boy.

- It's a girl.

- Gomez!

- What news?

Father,

what is it?

It's an Addams!

I've arranged a little surprise,

my dearest.

I hope you like it.

Oh, Gomez, it's dark,

it's depressing, it's desolate.

It says, "toddler."

It's a dream.

Come, Cara Mia.

The Addams cradle.

[Crying]

[Roar]

Welcome home, my son.

[Baby laughs]

That's not true.

Everyone knows it is.

When you have a new baby,

one of the other children has to die.

- Really?

- It's a tradition. One of us has to go.

Which one?

Well, they only need

one boy.

He has

my father's eyes.

Gomez, take those

out of his mouth.

Coochie coochie coo.

A baby in the house.

It's about time.

Hey, kiddo.

Did you see that?

He's a real devil.

Pugsley, the baby

weighs 10 pounds.

The cannonball

weighs 20 pounds.

Which will hit

the stone walkway first?

I'm still on fractions.

Which do you think?

The cannonball?

Very good.

But which one will bounce?

The baby?

There's only one way

to find out.

Ready?

1...

2...

What a glorious evening.

Rain.

Cara Mia.

Oh, dear.

Children,

why do you hate the baby?

We just want

to play with him.

Especially his head.

Do you think we love the baby

more than you?

- Yes.

- Yes.

Do you think when

a new baby arrives,

another child

has to die?

- Yes.

- Yes.

Well,

that's just not true.

Not anymore.

It's just

sibling rivalry.

Gomez, do you remember

what we were like?

- I hated you!

- I despised you.

I choked him

till he lost consciousness

and had to be put

on a respirator.

I tied him to a tree

and pulled out four

of his permanent teeth.

When he was asleep,

I opened his skull

and removed his brains.

You did?

A brother!

Brother!

Children, you see?

"Death! Death

to the enemies

of the people

of the Republic."

Hoorah!

Justice is served.

Bring forward

the evil one.

[La marseillaise plays]

You have betrayed

the people of France.

You are evil incarnate.

How do you plead?

[Pugsley]

Guilty.

Guilty

by her own admission.

The sentence is death.

Executioner,

place her on the block.

1...

2...

Children,

what are you doing?

- Playing!

- Playing!

3!

Woe to the Republic.

Look at you.

Midnight, moonlight,

surrounded by death.

It's been too long.

Do it!

Hold him still!

[Gunshot,

glass breaking]

You missed.

Here, catch!

I don't want him!

[Glass breaking]

One house,

three children.

So many windows.

My darling, it's you

I'm worried about,

the stress,

all this squabbling.

Oh, I'll be fine.

I'm just like any modern woman,

trying to have it all--

loving husband, a family.

It's just

I wish I had more time

to seek out

the dark forces

and join their hellish crusade,

that's all.

You can! You shall!

So it must be!

[Glass breaking]

But how?

Children,

as your new nanny,

I know that we're

all concerned

about the environment,

so this morning,

let's discuss

how to prevent

forest fires.

Prevent them?

All right, children,

I've had it

up to here.

Now you just answer

one simple question.

Where is that baby?

Which part?

Hello, kiddies.

I'm Polly the puppet.

What shall we do today?

I know.

Let's all clean our rooms.

Hello, Polly.

I'll clean my room

in exchange

for your immortal soul.

[Pounding]

Hi. Addams residence?

Ooh, it's old.

And big.

Lurch.

Hi! Hi. I'm Debbie jellinsky

from the agency.

The agency?

But they claimed

no one else was available.

They suggested

a doberman.

Surprise!

I've been out of town.

Are you the mom?

I am Mrs. Addams.

I love your dress.

It's so tight.

Thank you.

Gomez.

I believe we may have

a new nanny...

Miss jellinsky.

Deb.

Isn't he a lady-killer?

Acquitted.

I'll show you

all my references

so you'll know

I'm not a homicidal maniac.

- Of course you're not.

- You're too young.

Welcome to our home.

There's a belfry,

a swamp,

and a dungeon down below.

- Cable?

- Of course.

Debbie.

Oh, is that

the little critter?

Oh, no.

This is our baby.

He's adorable. He's perfect.

What's his name?

It was agony.

We went through

all the usual baby names...

Lucifer...

Benito...

Mao.

Then we came

to our senses,

something a child

could live with...

Pubert.

Pubert...

I like it.

It's filthy.

May I?

Your dress,

is it flammable?

You've had your shots--

measles, mumps, rabies?

Oh, I just adore

little babies.

I just want to squeeze them

till there's not a breath left

in their tiny little bodies.

Hello, pubert.

I love you.

[Knock on door]

Children, this is miss jellinsky,

our new nanny.

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