Yoga Hosers Page #2

Synopsis: Set in the Great White North of Canada, YOGA HOSERS tells the story of Colleen Collette and Colleen McKenzie - two teenage besties from Winnipeg who spend their lives doing Yoga with their faces in their phones, 'Liking' or 'Not Liking' the real world around them. But when these Sophomore girls are invited to a Senior party by the school hottie, the Colleens accidentally uncover an ancient evil, long buried beneath the Manitoba earth.
Director(s): Kevin Smith
Production: Invincible Pictures
  1 nomination.
 
IMDB:
4.3
Metacritic:
23
Rotten Tomatoes:
19%
PG-13
Year:
2016
88 min
597 Views


They get cute, they get cut.

Holy sh*t.

I call her The Mohel,

she's my date knife.

Thanks.

So we start with

Pretentious Frog.

Pretentious Frog,

"I only eat grass-fed flies."

The Dissatisfied Customer.

Dissatisfied Customer.

"I don't like

the product you've given me."

Atlas Shrugged, Atlas Shrugged.

We've got Atlas

and then we shrug.

Do Lasers from the Wrists,

Lasers from the Wrists.

Yoga Fett, Yoga Fett.

Awkward Conversationalist,

we put our foot in a mouth.

Foot in the mouth.

Upward Dog, our favorite canine.

Downward Dog.

Here we go

Three-Legged Dog.

That's sad, Three-Legged Dog,

look at that dog.

But you know what's sadder?

Two-Legged Dog,

and he's in his little pushcart,

his little makeshift wheelbarrow

and he's pushing himself along.

We push right into

Lotus Position.

And we feel positive

energy all around us.

And let's hold onto that

positive energy in the room.

But, you know,

I did read on the message boards

at CanadianCorpses.com

that they've been finding

body parts all over Winnipeg

for the last few months.

Body parts?

Oh, yeah, arms, legs,

heads, scalps, torsos,

feet, hands, nipples, dinkies.

Dinkies?

I said, "Take my dinky first,

but leave me my nipples."

It's basically a vestigial

dinky at this point.

But you take my nipples,

and that's my identity.

There's some real negativity in

the world, girls. But remember,

negative space can still be a design

asset, as long as you live the Yoga Way.

And you breathe the Yoga Way.

And. yes, you even have to

sh*t the Yoga Way.

Seriously. sit in Lotus Position

next time you're on the toilet,

everything just falls out of you.

Like you're dumping a book bag.

A book bag full of poo.

Go.

Okay. let me see.

That one's cute. that one's cute,

don't post that one though.

Okay. yeah, you look basic.

Oh. what in the ham and

eggs is this all about?

It looks like a

Vancouver Hockey Riot in here.

What'd you do. rob a mall?

- Hi. Dad.

- Hi, Mr. Collette.

What are you doin'

with all these clothes?

- We're screening outfits.

- Oh. yeah?

Whatever gets the most likes. we

wear to the party tomorrow night.

A grade 12 party.

No!

A grade 12 party already eh?

Oh. where did my little girl go?

Aw. stop.

You two are gonna make me cry.

- I'm back.

- Hey. hey!

That's gonna make me cry.

- Hey. Hey.

- Hey. Hey.

- A little tongue

- I bit ya. eh?

I got a bite!

Oh. my god. It looks like

a Vancouver Hockey Riot in here.

I know. I know.

What is this.

What are you two doing?

They're picking out their

outfits for a party tomorrow.

A grade 12 party.

Oh.

- Big time. big time.

- Oh. with seniors now.

I know.

She's only supposed to go

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Kevin Smith

Kevin Patrick Smith (born August 2, 1970) is an American filmmaker, actor, comedian, public speaker, comic book writer, author, and podcaster. He came to prominence with the low-budget comedy Clerks (1994), which he wrote, directed, co-produced, and acted in as the character Silent Bob of stoner duo "Jay & Silent Bob". Jay and Silent Bob have appeared in Smith's follow-up films Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back which were mostly all set in his home state of New Jersey. While not strictly sequential, the films frequently featured crossover plot elements, character references, and a shared canon described by fans as the "View Askewniverse", named after his production company View Askew Productions, which he co-founded with Scott Mosier. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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