Whitney Cummings: I'm Your Girlfriend

Synopsis: Whitney Cummings becomes every guy's girlfriend and riffs on men, women, guys, girls, male/female roles, the male body, the female body, vaginas, dicks, birth control, squirting and selfies.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Marty Callner
70 min

Guys like girls to be,

like, vulnerable and coy.

Guy's like girls to be like "Mmm...

"I'm lost.

"Can you help me? Mmm...

Your dick's too big, it hurts. Mmm..."

It doesn't.

(laughter, applause)

I'm in my 30s. Nothing

fucking hurts anymore.

My lower back kind of hurts.

- (laughter)

- That's another...

That's a different story.

So, I don't know what to do, you know?

I can't stop achieving my goals, right?

I can't stop doing what I love.

So I feel like what I need to start

doing is when I meet a guy that I like,

I just need to acknowledge what

they find unattractive about me

and just straight up negotiate with them.

I'm gonna be like, "Look,

I know I'm not 24, but...

"I have a pool."

"I know I'm not adorable and

coy, but I can pay all your bills.

I can get you out of debt today!"

There's so much evidence in our culture

that you guys like tiny, fragile women.

You know, especially in our vernacular.

Even the fact that you guys call us "baby."

No one else think that's weird?

Especially in a sexual connotation.

Baby is the only socially

acceptable increment of age

you can say to a woman in bed, you know?

You can't be like, "Yeah,

bend over toddler, yeah."

"Yeah, you like that, preteen? Uhn!"

I don't like it. I think it's creepy.

That's when a guy calls me

"baby" in bed, I'll be like,


And then I just shit my

pants just to make a point.

Like, you want a baby, you got one, weirdo.

Guys like girls to be babies,

and guys like girls to be bad.

Right? You guys like "bad girls."

So bizarre.

It always happens, you start dating a guy,

it's only a matter of time before

you're having sex and he's like,

"Are you a bad girl?"

I'm always like,


I pay my taxes on time."

And, also, I feel like before we

play this game of Are You a Bad Girl,

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Whitney Cummings

Whitney Ann Cummings (born September 4, 1982) is an American comedian, actress and producer. She is best known as the creator of the CBS sitcom 2 Broke Girls (2011–2017) and the NBC sitcom Whitney (2011–2013), appearing in the lead role of the latter. Since 2018, Cummings has been a producer and writer for the ABC revival of Roseanne. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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