White Settlers Page #2

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Some idiot has blown

the fuse box

so the cooker isn't working.

We're not going to have

power until tomorrow.

What are we gonna do

tonight then?

Well, I am gonna sit out back,

I'm gonna drink some beer

and I'm gonna have sex

under the stars.

I mean, you can join in

if you like.

- Can we not use the range?

- You'll burn your ass, babe.

Maybe just for the cooking then?

Yeah, maybe. If we can light it

without burning the house down.

It's weird having

no one else around.

Yeah.

- What are you doing?

- You trust me?

No.

Do you trust me?

I suppose so.

- Sarah.

- Undo your belt.

Get it out.

Do you want me to suck it?

I don't think

that's the best way

to make wild country bumpkins...

Do you want me

to suck your cock?

Yes.

Sarah.

Sarah.

Sarah?

Are you just gonna

stand there perving

or are you gonna get undressed?

It depends.

What is there to

get undressed for?

My God, you are

taking that to the charity shop.

F*** off.

- Give it here.

- No.

Give it here, please.

Wow, my perfect woman.

I have to brush my teeth.

Will you have a look?

Page four, curtains.

- Curtains.

- Please.

Ed?

Ed, hon.

Where are the toothbrushes?

I dunno.

Did you bring them in

from the car? Ed?

No, I didn't bring them in

from the car.

Baby, could you go out

and get them for me

because it's a bit dark?

Ed?

Ed?

Ed? I think

there's someone outside

- hiding in the yard.

- What are you talking about?

I just heard something

making funny noises.

Sarah, we're in the country,

alright?

Loads of things

make funny noises.

It was probably a fox or an owl.

- No, this was something else.

- Like what?

Like a crazy person

making weird noises.

What kind of noises?

Just weird noises, I don't know.

It's probably a bear.

Are there bears in Scotland?

No, there are

no bears in Scotland.

Honey, please just

come back to bed.

I can't, not until

you've had a look.

- Sarah.

- Please.

F***.

- Fine.

- Thank you.

Let's go.

Torch.

Right, so where did you see

this... this creature?

It's over there. Yeah.

- What, in here?

- No, it was behind that.

- What, behind the tractor?

- No, it was behind the shed.

Will you be careful?

Nope.

I swear I saw something.

Well, there's nothing there now.

Come on.

Come on, let's go back to bed.

Ed!

F***! F***! F***, it's a pig!

- My God!

- F***.

That is not...

- That is not funny.

- F***.

Did you see that before

and you didn't tell me?

No! No, of course I didn't,

why would I do that?

Well, where did it come from?

Dunno.

- What?

- What's that smell?

What?

Babe.

What?

Have you shat yourself?

Come on.

Probably.

Ed. Ed,

there's someone in the house.

- What?

- There's someone in the house.

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