Ways to Live Forever Page #2

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to give up smoking.

Don't believe everything

they tell you, son.

I smoked like a chimney

and they said I was going to die,

I'm 95 years old,

and I stopped smoking

It's a school assignment.

I have to check how many people

in a cancer ward would accept a cigarette.

You could do a questionnaire.

A boy in the children's ward asked me

to get them for him.

If I don't, he's going

to beat us up.

Questions nobody answers number 1:

how do you know when you've died?

All the information you're about

to hear has been taken

Near-death experiences:

the case against,

by Felix Stranger.

The flaw in the theory is

that people don't actually die.

They're just people whose brains have

gone funny because of a shortage

of oxygen or cause they're

on some weird drugs.

If they're for real, why does it

only happen in America?

And how come only nice things happen?

It's just people wanting to be famous.

Near-death experiences:

the case in favour, by Sam McQueen.

In a near death experience,

the person actually dies.

And then comes back.

So it's obvious that everything

that happens is real.

They see real things.

For example, a woman was floating

on the ceiling and she heard

the doctors say stuff that later

she found out they'd actually said.

Good things don't always happen.

One guy felt elves poking him

with pitchforks... and Plato...

Hey! I haven't finished yet.

Near-death experiences.

Conclusions.

The best thing

about near-death experiences

is being able to go to heaven,

being famous...

and elves poking you with pitchforks.

My mum used to work in a charity.

She left her job when I got sick.

Now she takes Sundays off to go

and sing in the church choir.

I don't go because I hate people

pretending they're worried about me.

My sister Ella always goes

because she loves everybody

fussing over her.

Dad never goes.

He doesn't like talking

about my illness.

Dad is really clever,

but I could never ask him one

of my questions.

Whenever somebody brings up

the subject, Dad just coughs

or simply says We're not going

to talk about that.

We're home.

Look how quiet you two are.

What's that Sam?

Homework.

You've got lots of homework

all the sudden, haven't you?

He's been writing all morning.

If he's putting that much effort

into your homework, don't you think

it's time to go back to school?

That poor woman has been

coming here long enough.

I like Mrs. Willis.

I don't want to go back to school.

The kids all stare at me and ask

how sick I really am

and how come I get to go home

when I'm tired.

It's ridiculous.

Anyone can see

Sam is much better now.

It's silly to keep him cooped

up here with nothing to do.

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