Van Wilder Page #3

or be banished from this house forever!

One, two--

F***!

Excuse me.

Where can I find Van Wilder?

In the Guiness Book

of World-f***ing-Records, man...

under "Raddest f***ing dude alive"!

Okay. Thanks.

In any one of these three rooms,

Gramps.

Sweet Joseph,

my son's a fairy.

Dad, what are you doing here?

- Thank God.

- No jammies.

- Party foul.

- No, don't-- Oh, dear God.

Next time you'll know better.

Seven years, and no degree.

You should have graduated twice by now.

I've done a lot in seven years.

If you don't have your doctorate,

you haven't done enough.

But you have wasted enough

of your time and my money.

Pack up your panties, son,

because we are headin' home.

I'm staying here with my friends.

Fine. Maybe your friends

can pay your tuition.

Because this morning I placed

a stop payment on this semester's check.

I'm sorry, son.

Sometimes in life you have to

realize a poor investment...

and cut your losses.

Write that down.

I need more time.

There's got to be something

that we can work out.

What is that intoxicating scent

you're wearing, Doris?

I have cats.

Meow!

Maybe you could put me

on some sort of extension...

program?

- A little pay-as-you-go?

- Are you trying to seduce me?

Who, me? No!

You know, maybe this isn't

such a good idea.

Being bad seldom is.

Oh, yeah.

That's the sh*t.

Guess what. I'm feeling

a little cold sore coming on.

Maybe we shouldn't do this

for three to six weeks.

Shut up, b*tch,

and give me some sugar.

Fill this out. It's a standard

payment plan extension form.

You mean, we didn't have to--

But aren't you glad we did?

You can either mail this in

or drop it off.

Go, baby, go!

Mail it in!

Mail it in! Mail it in.

Van, you must make four

monthly payments of $5,000 each.

I'm sorry, Taj.

I'm gonna have to let you go.

I don't have the resources

to pay for your services anymore.

A good soldier

does not leave his commander...

just because he lies wounded,

arms torn off at the sockets...

intestines spilling out onto the mud,

picked at by the birds.

I will stay on at no charge.

Okay.

Exactly how much money do you have?

- He has only $34.

- Damn, Van!

What the hell you gonna do

with $34, man?

Congratulations, Taj!

Your first blow job.

In my country, a woman's mastery

of her gastronomical releases...

is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Desiree is the foremost connoisseur

of chili con carne...

and a TA at Coolidge.

I wish I had teachers like that.

And just like that,

Topless Tutors was born.

X...

equals... six?

Yeah!

We knew you could do it.

Desi told me how she

and a few of her grad school pals...

could use some extra income.

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