Van Wilder Page #2

Is Prozac really the answer?"

"Famine-- Crisis in Rwanda."

"Tracking Tuition:

Where does our money really go?"

Each article well-written and researched

by our own Gwen Pearson...

and each article skipped over

by the majority of the student body.

I don't care.

I won't pander to them.

"Lite Beer vs. Dark-- The Showdown"

by Darius Grayson.

- Is that the same--

- Pulitzer-prize winning Darius Grayson.

He was an alumnus

of our journalism staff.

He wrote his best stuff in detox.

Still does, I'm told.

I have got a very challenging

assignment for you.

A story that nobody's

been able to get.

- About what?

- No, no. It's about whom.

It does not look good.

That's the end of the first half...

and the Chickadees will need

a miracle to come back and score.

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you

to step away from Van's vehicle.

Wilder!

He's got no business parking there.

That's my spot.

They need me, Ted.

This is the first time in my life

I'm glad I'm deaf!.

I can't hear the boos!

Now, listen up.

I'm only gonna go over this

one more time.

In the event they switch

to a zone defense...

we must swing the ball

around the perimeter.

This ball club is the heart

of this institution.

You win, it beats.

You lose, it breaks.

You're not boxing out, Big Papa.

You're my Windex man.

I want you shining glass.

We gotta D up out there.

Darius.

I want you all over that ball

like a fat kid on a cupcake.

What are you looking at? Your mom

said you left your legs at home.

For God's sake!

I'd do anything for you guys...

which is why I'm throwing you

a little soiree tomorrow night...

but not without a W tonight.

You want to know why?

Nobody wants to celebrate a loss, guys.

Hey, man, you gonna invite

those freak honeys from Mt. Holyoke?

I already did.

They said they'd try to make it

if they weren't humping the Matadors.

- The Matadors?

- What?

Come on.

We got a ball game to win.

Let's go kick some Matador tail--

How bad do you wanna be...

a Delta?

Would you walk on broken glass?

Let the shards tear

into your Achilles tendon...

causing acute achondroplasia...

which could lead to non-congenital

dwarfism as you got older?

Ease up on the medical terms.

Just keep it simple and terrifying.

Gordon, there are very few things more

terrifying than non-congenital dwarfism.

Hey, Richard.

Ready to study?

Gwenny, I said 9:30.

It's 9:
20.

I'm in the middle

of an 80-year tradition here.

I will be up when I'm done with

my presidential responsibilities.

Okay, I'll wait for you upstairs.

Who's my alabaster princess?

You are. You are.

Relax, guys.

They're just Doritos.

Listen to me,

you little f*** stains!

When I count to three, you will jump

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