Van Wilder: Freshman Year Page #2

---

Come with me. My sisters

will take care of your friends.

I'm not sure if you're aware,

but in the past few years

Coolidge has become a more

religious and conservative campus

than it used to be.

I'd better take these.

Alcohol is the devil's mouthwash.

At Coolidge, we're dry.

You know, science has made

incredible advancements

in personal lubrication.

You won't be needing these, either.

Orgasms are the deviI's heroin.

Just once, and you're hooked.

''O daughters of Jerusalem,

do not awaken love until it is ready.''

-Amen.

-Amen.

Song of Solomon, 8:4.

Let she who is without sin

grasp the first bone.

Wilder, 69.

Perhaps you and your friends

should look into a different school.

We have enough sinners here.

You wouldn't happen to have

their phone numbers, would you?

You have a very impure spirit.

There's a dark, wretched hole

waiting for you.

Okay, but you have to buy me

a drink first.

I think that can be arranged.

Now I know what a tampon feels like.

This is a complete fuckery,

you know, man.

No poom poom, no ganja.

Vampires for Jesus,

throwing blood on us?

-I can't take four years of this bullshit.

-We drink ''breach,'' get sent home.

Hey! No one's drinking ''breach!''

And no one's going home.

So what did you have in mind?

We shake things up a bit.

Why don't we just buy some?

Where's the fun in that?

This almost as good as boob on butt.

Say hello to my little friend.

Sorry.

Don't forget to floss.

Hi, Dirk. How's that big gun of yours?

-Hey, honeybear.

-Hey, honeybear!

Kaitlin. So nice you could make it.

We missed you in Bible study again.

-Hymnal?

-Whoa!

Nice arm, Jezebel.

-I believe this is yours.

-Thanks.

Van Wilder, hopeless romantic.

-Kaitlin Hayes.

-My girlfriend.

Well, it's nice to see there are

some Christians

who still do charity work.

Come on, Kaitlin, let's go.

Yeah, before all the good seats

are taken!

No, thanks. I brought my own.

Thank you.

Today, I wanna talk about

something that's all over this school,

and it isn't pencils, no.

And it isn't books. But it's sin.

S-I-N. Sin.

You know, it seems like they'll let just

about anybody in school these days.

Except Jesus.

And, you know, I took the time

to check Jesus' transcripts,

and I find out that Jesus has

a perfect GPA.

Yeah, that stands

for God Point Average.

Amen, amen.

-Amen.

-Amen.

But what is the number one sin

on campus today?

Quite plainly, it's sex.

-Sex.

-S-E-X.

-Sex.

-Sex.

Even as we're speaking,

the sinning is beginning. Amen!

-Amen.

-Amen.

Amen, sisters.

-Gentlemen, the Lord is...

-Hallelujah, sister!

...about to work in very...

-Hallelujah!

...mysterious ways.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes