Unhinged in Hollywood Page #2

---

Jeff Dunham:
Why would Aquaman be on Hollywood Boulevard?

Walter:
Well, there's a drought, I guess he's homeless. (LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Jeff Dunham:
You know, Walter, there are a lot of things to like about Los Angeles-

Walter:
Like what? Traffic from hell. Highest gas prices

in the country. Wildfires. Mudslides and earthquakes, yay! I love it here! Dumb ass.

Jeff Dunham:
You ever been in an earthquake?

Walter:
Uh, does my wife falling off of the couch count? "What the **** Oh, it's you. All right."

Jeff Dunham:
Why are you in a bad mood already?

Walter:
Well, do you know what it's like to wake up and discover that your wife of 45 years has left and isn't coming back?

Jeff Dunham:
No, I don't.

Walter:
Yeah. Me neither. But I can dream, can't I?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff Dunham:
Is it really that bad?

Walter:
Yes. The other day, before her birthday, she started yelling at me, "Tomorrow, I'd better see a diamond."

Jeff Dunham:
Oh, a diamond. What'd you do?

Walter:
I took her to a baseball game.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Jeff Dunham:
So, does your wife like Hollywood?

Walter:
Yeah, but she thinks it's crazy how many folks in this town get plastic surgery.

Jeff Dunham:
Oh. She wouldn't do that?

Walter:
Why?

Jeff Dunham:
Why not?

Walter:
Come on. Putting new headlights on a minivan

doesn't make it a Corvette.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Walter:
Yeah, these guys know what I'm talking about. And the women who get those fake, giant whoo-haws, they don't want you to miss them either.

Jeff Dunham:
How's that?

Walter:
If you look those women in the eye when you're talking to them, they get all pissed off and they go, "Hey,

my b*obs are down here."

Jeff Dunham:
I bet your wife likes at least a few things in LA.

Walter:
Like what?

Jeff Dunham:
I don't know, The Kardashians are filmed there-

Walter:
(GAGS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

Walter:
I'm sorry, I threw up in my mouth a little. Kardashians. Hey! Who the hell's that new tall chick?

She's kind of hot-

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Walter:
Did I miss something?

Jeff Dunham:
Yeah, I think so.

Walter:
What the hell are you laughing at?

Jeff Dunham:
Walter, that's Caitlyn.

Walter:
Who the hell is Caitlyn? Oh! Bruce has a sister?

Jeff Dunham:
No.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Walter:
What the hell is so funny? What, is she available?

Jeff:
No, I don't know. Like, what does your wife watch on TV?

Walter:
I don't care.

Jeff:
Are you guys happy?

Walter:
Look at me.

Jeff:
Well, you still love her.

Walter:
Yeah, of course, but like most marriages, we have been through some difficult times

Rate this script:5.0 / 2 votes