Two Little Boys

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# Invercargill March

NIGE, V/O:
You know how they say

bad luck comes in threes?

Yeah, well, I thought that was a load

of sh*t, but it turns out it's true.

It was not a joy ride.

I was just

trying to do some thinking and stuff,

and I think pretty good

when I'm doing laps.

(Tyres screech)

Oh!

This was my first bit of bad luck.

I knew that cop

would give me a hard time,

especially with

just the one headlight working,

so... I did the smart thing.

That way, the cop could only tell me

off for forgetting to put my lights on,

instead of doing me for my warrant.

And then another bit of bad luck.

Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Ohh! Ha! Ha!

(Grunts) Oh! Agh! Agh!

And then, to top it all off -

bad luck number three.

Aghhh!

You know how they say

don't cross the path of a black cat?

Yeah, well... add ginger to the mix,

that's what I say.

Agh!

(Sighs) Jesus.

Ah... God.

(Person coughs)

- OK...

Hey.

(Groans)

Hey.

(Continues groaning)

Hey, mate. Uh, what's your name?

(Groans, grunts)

Hey?

(Mumbles)

- Gavin. Ah...

- No, no!

(Mumbles)

Uh, Gary, yeah?

No, no, no...

(Mumbles) With a J... With a J.

J? J... Uh... Jeremy?

Adam? John?

Am I close?

(Groans, pants heavily)

Oh, it's Jeurgen. Yeah?

Yes. Yes.

Jeurgen, you're...

you're gonna be fine, mate.

(Pants heavily)

Jeurgen? Hey?

No, no, no, no. Don't do that.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey.

Jeurgen. Hey.

F***. F***. F***.

Hey, hey, hey! F***. Come on!

Hey. No, no, no.

Oh, f***! Come on!

Come on, man! Agh! F***!

Oh, f***! Agh!

Agh! Agh!

(Breathes heavily)

Oh, f***.

Agh...

(Breathes heavily) F***.

(Pants, strains)

(Strains)

Oh!

(Keys clatter)

Uh...

(Whispers) Oh, my God. Uh...

(Breathes heavily) F***!

Agh!

(Exhales heavily)

VOICE-OVER:

And that's where Nige's bed used to be.

Well, that's where it was

three weeks ago to this day.

Did you know that you shed skin,

like, more than a snake?

Like, I think about one tenth

of your skin comes off every day,

so... basically there's like, dozens

of, like, old Niges on the floor.

So I'm not exactly

gonna vacuum that up.

(Sighs)

(Laughter)

(Distant laughter)

(Knock at window)

NIGE:
(Whispers) Deano? Deano?

Wake up! Deano!

Deano! F***.

Hey. Deano. Hey.

F*** off, Nige.

- Deano, please!

- F*** off!

Deano!

Come for your

toasted sandwich maker, have you?

Well, it's still busted.

Thanks for asking.

Deano.

I'm in a lot of trouble.

Did you get the blood tests back?

I knew that kid wouldn't be yours.

Monica's a slutbag, mate.

Could be mine.

- I'm in a lot of trouble.

- No. Oi.

Why don't you get Gav to help?

(Locks door)

(Knocks on window) Deano!

(Bangs on window)

Come on, man. Deano!

Could you

please open the f***ing door?

(Puffs air)

So what's up, Nige?

I, uh... I've uh...

I- I... Killed someone.

Yeah. Yeah, you killed me

three weeks ago, Nige.

- Hey?

- I'm dead.

I'm dead on the inside.

I can't f***in' feel anything.

It's agony.

- Deano...

- What do you care?

...I've actually f***ing killed someone.

I ran over a f***ing backpacker.

He's f***ing actually f***ing dead.

(Stammers) I'm freaking out!

What? Oi, what?

I've killed someone!

There was blood

coming out of his stomach

and his head and stuff...

He had f***ing blood

coming out of his face!

- Oi! Shut up!

- His guts were...

Use that. Use this, your knob-end.

What do you mean

you ran over a backpacker?

Did you actually

run over a backpacker?

Yeah. Well, it'd be

a pretty weird lie, don't you think?

(Sighs)

F***, Nige.

ROLF HARRIS:
# Two little boys

had two little toys... #

DEANO, V/O:
Me and Nige

have been best friends for 15 years,

ever since Nige's first day at school.

Alright, settle down, class.

This is Nigel from Mataura.

(Kids chuckle)

Why don't you go

and find your seat, Nigel?

# One little chap then had a mishap... #

(Robot voice) I am a robot.

(Kids chuckle)

I knew what it was like

to be the new kid.

Mum moved us here from Australia

when I was six and a half.

# As his young playmate said... #

(Punk cover) # Did you think

I would leave you crying?

# When there's room

on my horse for two... #

NIGE, V/O:
Every second weekend

he'd come to our crib in the Catlins.

Deano was kind of like

another member of our family.

We did everything together...

DEANO, V/O:
I pretty much taught Nige

everything he knows, which isn't much,

'cause Nige is a bit f***in' stupid,

but still... I taught him how to fight,

taught him how to do cunnilingus.

(Nige laughs)

# I wonder if we'll remember... #

NIGE, V/O:
I reckon I learned more

from Deano than I ever learned in class.

# We were two little,

we were two little boys! #

DEANO, V/O:
When Nige's folks left town,

we went flatting together.

We shared the same room, but,

like, just to save on rent and that.

Smart, you know?

NIGE:
Deano was really great to live

with and he was really nice to me too.

- Happy birthday!

- Snails!

...to go with this.

Maybe 'cause we're going

to Surfers Paradise...

...in f***in' Australia.

- Yeah!

NIGE, V/O:
That was an amazing trip.

I f***ing loved it.

DEANO, V/O:
Yeah, we flatted

together for seven years.

Seven wicked... awesome years.

Dinner will be ready in a sec.

NIGE, V/O:
But after a while,

I guess I just started to wonder...

F*** off!

...maybe there's more to life than this.

I'm f***ing serious! Get out!

(Tyres screech)

F***in' Judas! Judas!

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