Tom Segura: Mostly Stories Page #2

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about people asking me

how I lost the weight

that I haven't lost yet.

And, like, I just have so many answers.

Like, I really enjoy doing...

In my head, I'm like,

"Dude, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle."

"Just gotta make smarter choices, man.

I mean, drink more water.

Look at me, I've never felt better.

I have so much energy.

If I can do it, you can do it."

And then I eat chocolate souffl,

as I have...

Like, "Well, next year I'll probably

be ready for this conversation."

F***ing a**hole.

I don't even want to, like, lose weight

to live long or be healthy.

I don't. I just want to be able

to make fun of fat people again.

And know for sure

that they're fatter than me.

'Cause, like, sometimes...

Now I'm like anybody,

I'll be like, "Look at this

fat f***ing a**hole."

And someone'll be like,

"You're fatter."

And I'm like, "Oh. Really?"

And they're like, "By a lot!"

"You should want his body."

And I'm like, "Ah, f***, man."

Since I'm gonna have a kid,

I don't want to be the fat dad.

Remember when we were

in elementary school, in like fifth grade?

You're like, "Hey,

look at Billy's fat f***in' dad."

"F***in'..."

"Just f***in' batter him up tonight

and eat him, huh, Billy's dad?"

Just don't want to be that guy.

I got a trainer.

They gave me a trainer.

That's a better way of saying that.

I joined a gym, and they go,

"Do you want a free training session?"

I was like, "Okay.

What does it normally cost?"

And they're like, "Like $900."

I was like, "Wow, that's a great deal.

That's awesome."

The first session is a bait session.

It's ridiculous.

The guy's like, "Stand up."

Like, "Okay." He's like,

"Wow, you're a very powerful athlete."

"Were you pro before?"

I'm like, "Okay, yes. I think I was."

He goes, "You look like it. Your muscle

fibers look really great." I'm like...

He's like, "Want to do this all the time?"

I'm like, "Yeah. Absolutely.

This is a good boost for me.

I like this a lot."

Second session, way different

than the first session.

Second session, I'm doing burpies.

Like, you jump on the ground

then you jump onto a wooden block.

I'm running through sand pushing a sled.

"And I go, is this SEAL school?

What are we doing right now?"

In the middle of this workout,

my trainer goes "Stop!"

And I said, "Thank you."

He goes, "Know why I told you to stop?"

And I go, "Yeah, so you don't

have to give me CPR, I think."

And he goes, "No. The Holy Spirit."

"What?"

And he goes, "The Holy Spirit

told me to tell you to stop."

And I go...

"What...

did I sign up for? What the f*** is this?"

And he goes,

"Do you believe in Jesus Christ?"

And I said, "Is He gonna

make me do push-ups?"

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