Toast Page #2

Everything's going to be OK.

Here.

I love a pork pie, me.

Hurry up, Nigel!

Oh, come on, come on!

- Are we nearly there yet?

- Nigel, we haven't even left Wolverhampton yet.

Do we have to go to Penarth?

It's very good for the air.

Just try to enjoy yourself, Nigel.

For your mother's sake.

There's nothing to do in Penarth.

Nonsense.

It's the premier resort

on the Welsh coast.

It could be worse.

They say it's going

to pick up tomorrow.

Oh, struth.

Come on, Nigel. Nigel!

Sit up, Nigel. Tomato, anybody?

You don't have to have salad cream

if you don't want it.

- Do I have to have ham?

Course you bloody well have to have ham!

- You're on holiday.

- Nigel, you like ham.

I know I like ham,

I just don't like the jelly.

- Can't we go and get fish and chips?

- Look, just eat, for God's sake.

For your mother.

Look at that! Absolutely disgusting.

Letting a child run around naked like that.

- I don't see anything wrong with it.

- Don't be stupid, Nigel.

- Loads of people go around naked.

- Don't be ridiculous.

Who have you seen naked?

Josh.

- Josh?

- Oh, my God!

- He was only getting changed.

Has Josh ever...

has he ever touched you?

- Alan, Alan...

- Of course he hasn't.

Just eat your ham, Nigel.

We'll forget the whole thing.

Whee! Whee!

- I'm going to have a word with those parents.

- Alan, calm down.

Oh, for Pete's sake!

Oh, come back here,

you stupid, ignorant boy!

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Mum, can I ask you a question?

You're not pregnant, are you?

What on earth makes you ask that?

You keep doing all

that heavy breathing.

It's my lungs, Nigel.

I'm not going to be very well,

maybe for quite a long time.

But you'll be all right

by Christmas, won't you?

I don't know, Nigel.

But you'll still teach me how

to make mince pies, won't you?

- Of course I will.

- Promise?

I promise.

Just because there's something

wrong with her lungs doesn't

mean to say she's not pregnant.

What about Parma Violets?

Don't be stupid,

they're for old people.

Anyway, I'm not interested in

your opinion. I'm going to ask Josh

about it.

- How about some Love Hearts?

- Piss off!

They're for girls.

You fancy that gardener,

don't you? What about some

Pascall's oblong fruit bonbons?

Honestly? They'll put

you in a retirement home.

And, no, I don't, I'm just

interested in gardening, that's all.

Are you bollocks.

All you've ever planted

is a row of radishes.

Anyway, re your mum,

the jury's out in my opinion.

What about barley sugars?

We're not getting barley sugars,

Warrel, we're not going in a car.

I'll buy a packet of Refreshers

and a quart of chocolate limes

so we can burn our tongues!

Yes, boys? A quart of chocolate limes

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