Tig Notaro Happy To Be Here Page #2

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"So when you're not temping,

what do you do?"

And I could not wait...

to turn to her

with every part of me destroyed...

and say...

"I'm a comedian."

I might as well have said...

"I'm training

to be a motivational speaker.

And on the weekends,

I play in a funk band."

I'm happily married

forever and ever, amen.

I take offense.

The applause makes it seem

like you're thrilled

that I'm finally off the market.

But it's true.

I can't believe that Stephanie exists.

I can't believe that I found her.

I can't believe that she loved me back.

This is all true.

And at least once a day...

she says something

where I'm left utterly confused.

Just unprompted yells across the house.

For instance, "Do you know what time

Yum-Yum Donuts opens?"

"Yum-Yum...

No... No. Have you ever heard me say,

'I got to head down to Yum-Yum Donuts,

beat the rush?'

I don't even know what that is.

Sounds delicious,

but I don't know anything about it."

We were going on vacation,

driving to the airport,

and in the car, she turned and asked,

"Do you know what they're serving

for breakfast on this flight?"

"Hmm...

Mnh-mnh.

No, I don't.

Do you?"

"Probably nothing surprising,

maybe eggs. I don't know."

"Can a bee sting another bee?"

"That I do not have the answer to.

What I do know

is it all of these questions

feel very Googleable."

Stephanie and I adopted

a precious little kitten...

named "Fluff."

And that's her given name.

We kept it out of respect

for her birth parents.

And a couple years into having Fluff,

I realized that I had never meowed at her.

So I saw her across the living room,

and I just thought, "You know what?

I'm gonna go ahead and meow at Fluff."

So...

I looked her right in the eyes and...

I says to her, I says...

Why do people talk like that?

To say "I says to her" is improper,

and then

to add on top of that "I says..."

It's like, "Get outta here!"

Anyway...

I says to her, I says...

"Meow!"

And Fluff was like, "No way!

How is this just now coming up?"

She'd never been around another cat,

and so I think she thought

she had made up her own language

which consists of one word,

which, of course, is "meow,"

and she uses it for everything.

And here I was fluent the entire time.

She was stunned...

just as stunned

as a little kitten could be...

Her mouth agape...

her little paw in the air...

her little microphone...

Then, she meows at me, she meows...

Here's the thing.

Let me explain something.

I told this story once,

and Stephanie heard me.

And she said, "After you say...

'I says to her, I says,'

you should say,

'She meows at me, she meows.'"

And I said, "Oh, that's not funny."

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