The River Why
[birds chirping]
[running water]
[soft guitar music]
[music becomes more lively]
[whirring]
[man, narrating]
The surface of the earth...
is 30 percent land...
and 70 percent water.
A newborn baby is composed
of 70 percent water...
and 30 percent
everything else.
[shouting]
[man, narrating]
I guess this means...
that life and water
are inseparable.
undergoes a ritual...
almost identical to that
inflicted upon a trout at death.
The fish is whacked
on the head...
thus putting it
out of its misery.
The infant is whacked
on the behind...
[crying]
thus initiating it
into its misery.
Upon my birth, my father
made sure that I was given...
the proud, manly name
of Augustine.
And since I was born into
the first family of angling...
it should come
as no surprise...
that I was a fishing prodigy.
with my mom...
on a worm when I was four.
I didn't feel any hostility
towards land dwellers.
I just had water
on the brain.
The only thing I gave
much thought to...
was bait versus fly.
On my tenth birthday...
I caught my 180th steelhead
with my dad...
on a fly.
By the time high school
rolled around...
I was great
at attracting steelhead.
Not so great
with the cheerleaders.
And when most kids
I didn't bother.
[shouting]
Gross.
Figured the only
institution...
But on water?
I understand
the way fish think.
My parents' union...
is one of stubborn,
extremely loyal...
hot-tempered,
polar opposites.
Ma is a bait fisher...
My father
is a writer secondarily...
and a famous
fly fisherman primarily.
My brother Bill Bob
is different...
than the rest of us.
He was born
with a prodigious ability...
to ignore
all things aquatic...
which to a massive extent
implies his entire family.
He hates water.
Won't drink it.
[barking]
He wears galoshes and a hat...
almost every day...
just to stay clear
of the stuff.
[barking]
Not that he doesn't need
a little protection...
from other hazards
now and then.
Good thing Ma has
native intelligence.
in the right place
at the right time.
[gunshot, dog whimpering]
[applause]
[walla]
My father's battle...
with a giant steelhead
he named Nijinsky...
was the stuff of legends.
And the story of that fish
brought him fame, fortune...
and a healthy ego.
Raised by
English aristocrats...
and manners.
When he autographs a book,
Henning Hale Orviston.
[Gus, narrating]
I call him H20.
He's the one person
in the world...
who calls me by the name
on my birth certificate.
(Henning)
Augustine...
best get another box
from the car.
I just brought in three boxes.
Tell you what, Augustine.
Until you find someone else
to employ you...
you might want to do
what I request.
[thump] Yes, sir! [sarcastic]
[man chuckling softly]
Do you have children?
Oh, yeah.
[scoffing and sighing]
[man] Before I take a few questions...
let me conclude by saying...
I like to think
of this legislation...
as the Worship the Waters Act.
Yes, little lady.
(woman)
Hi. Um, curious.
How can building all those
new dams be an act of worship?
I mean, even if the wild salmon
are lucky enough to survive...
the turbines on their
pilgrimage up the river...
their smolt will be
swallowed, of course...
by the predators on their
way back to the ocean.
Maybe we should call it the
Slaughter the Salmon Act instead.
There may be some collateral
damage to the salmon...
but this will create jobs
and cut taxes, and besides...
with aquaculture these days.
You'd be amazed
what we're doing...
with farmed salmon.
(policeman) There's no smoking here.
You need
to put that out.
Of course.
The environment.
Come on.
Certainly.
(policeman) Let's go. Come one.
There's no evidence...
that consuming farmed
salmon poses any threat.
Yeah, you and I
can debate that.
But we can both agree that fish
than pools
of their own sh*t!
[soft guitar music]
(Henning) Where are my books, Augustine?
My name is Gus!
[reel whirring]
And none may come for days
(woman)
Sorry.
(Henning)
Sorry.
[soft guitar music]
[clicking]
My parents argued
about a lot of things.
But it was never a question of
who would have the last word...
merely who would have
the next one.
[background arguing]
How could I tell them I was
thinking about leaving home...
when I couldn't even
get a word in edgewise.
[Mom, sighing]
So, Hen...
have you ever been
to Royal Lake?
If I have...
the brain cells
recollecting it...
have been destroyed
by this merciful beverage.
So go ahead, Gusser.
Tell him
about that record bass...
you and Bill Bob pulled
out of there that time.
Ma.
Augustine, you call
yourself a fisherman?
I call myself Gus.
Well, Gus...
why were you fishing
for bass?
Dutch Hines says that-
Dutch Hines is an idiot.
What does he know? Bass.
Bass!
(Gus, off) It's been said
that a man with a Bible...
is more dangerous
than a man with a gun.
Izaak Walton's
The Compleat Angler...
was my father's Bible.
"The king of fish,
the trout. "
(Gus, off) And since the
time I was a toddler...
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"The River Why" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 24 Apr. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_river_why_21215>.
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