The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer Page #2

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Mr Fairburn.

What? Who are you?

Rimmer, sir. It's the Business

Efficiency report you commissioned.

Did no such thing! Never seen you

before in my life.

(RIMMER) I must say your decision

to investigate was very timely.

Well, that's what decisions should be.

Must have slipped my mind.

(FAIRBURN) I'm afraid my wife's been

a bit under the weather.

(RIMMER) Nothing serious, I hope?

No, no. She'll linger on

for quite a while yet.

I've got the report here

if you'd like to see it, sir.

(FAIRBURN) It's a bit large...

Couldn't you give me a run-down?

I'm rather busy today.

(RIMMER) Well, basically

your firm is running

an annual deficit

of seventy-five thousand pounds.

Seventy-five thousand pounds!

My God!

Do you know the words

that come to my mind?

No, sir. I don't know the words.

(FAIRBURN, SHOUTING) Fire Ferret!

Those are the words. Fire Ferret!

(TV COMMENTATOR) England now really in

a commanding position...

...and the wicket is still playing

absolutely perfectly...

(BUZZ OF INTERFERENCE)

...my goodness me,

what a glorious exhibition...

(FAIRBURN, DISTANTLY) Fire Ferret!

Those are the words.

Of course I know my way!

Think I've never been here before?

...beautifully timed leg sweep,

gone for four runs...

Let's get rid of him. Fire Ferret!

Ah, Mr Fairbum.

- Fairburn!

- Fairburn, yes.

...and another leg sweep,

and again it's gone for four runs...

We're doing, er, market research on people

watching television on the cricket...

(FERRET) Yes.

Do sit down, Mr Creambun...

er, Fairburn.

Throw those files

somewhere. Anywhere.

(FORCED NERVOUS LAUGHTER)

What are you laughing at, Ferret?

Nothing really.

Just trying to break the ice.

(EMPHATICALLY) You're fired!

Well. Better be off, then.

One moment, Ferret!

Seventy-five thousand pounds, sir.

Seventy-five thousand pounds...

Seventy-five thousand pounds!

(FERRET) That is a lot.

You owe me a lot of money, Ferret,

and you will remain with this firm,

working very hard

in a menial capacity, for a pittance

until such time as I've decided

that you have worked off your debt!

Otherwise, it is

P... R... I... S... O... N!

P... R... I...? Prison?

Good thinking.

I'm sorry about all that unpleasantness.

Why don't you take the afternoon off?

(RIMMER, INTO DICTAPHONE) Oh, and

you'd better send off some money

to Oxfam, as well.

(TANYA) Mr Fromage and Mr Waring

to see you, Mr Rimmer.

Good morning, Mr Fromage.

Good morning, Mr Waring.

(BOTH) Good morning.

(RIMMER) Very nice to see you again.

Please sit down.

(RIMMER) Well, our new survey

shows the reasons

for the declining sales

of The Olde English Humbug.

You can be quite frank with us,

Mr Rimmer. What does it say?

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