The Rise & Fall of a White Collar Hooligan Page #2

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Just until we're both earning.

I know, football is part of you,

I love you,

ergo I must understand

and love your love of football

even if I don't share it.

Now, I'm not gonna start moaning

about buying you a season ticket.

Just don't let me down, OK?

I won't, I promise.

Safe.

Oh, what, the short slee...?

Don't worry, they'll grow back, mate.

What attracted me most

to working in a ladies clothes shop?

Ladies.

Huh. You all right there? Wanna...

Job like this

must take a lot of restraint.

Yeah, seriously,

you wanna be quiet a little bit?

This is lovely.

This is a bit of me, this, look.

Oh, it's a bit tight, though, innit?

F***ing hell, have I put on weight?

Do I look fat to you, bruv?

Have you got any experience

recording live music?

Not much live music per se,

but I do remember recording the radio,

and it takes a lot of skill to press

stop before the DJ starts talking.

Listen, listen, don't, don't...

I'll do anything, all right?

I'm... I'm a bit f***ing desperate,

to be honest.

I like gold, really, 'cause

you should always invest in gold

'cause it's... available.

But I've got a bird

and she obviously wears clothes.

You know. Pretty much makes me

a f***ing expert really, doesn't it?

You ever used an MX380 before?

No worries. I should be sweet with that.

I prefer the blackberry, though.

Now, seriously now, yeah?

I'll do cash in hand, all right? Just

under the table, no questions. Yeah?

- Can I have a job?

- No.

All right, can I have a doner and chips?

Hold the salad.

Leave us alone, would you?

What the f***'s all this?

Well, maybe it's time

to just lower your sights a little bit

You've been out of work for a while,

which doesn't look good on your CV.

And not to mention they've stopped

paying your Jobseeker's Allowance.

Mm.

There is one more place I could try.

[whistling]

Hey-

- Sorry I'm late.

- About f***ing time.

- Have you seen this?

- What's that?

There's a recession going on

and we're spending 18 million quid

on a centre back.

He's too f***ing short.

Here, listen, good things come

in small packages. Don't worry about it.

- Is that what the missus told you?

- Shut up.

Speaking of small packages,

that, my friend, is yours.

It's a f***ing hairdryer.

I'm gonna get f***ing laughed at.

No, you're not, mate.

Come on, look at it.

It's the embodiment of inconspicuous.

It's great on fuel economy.

It's fully insured

and it is all 100% yours, for work.

Come on, mate. Look at it.

I can totally see you in this car.

- Mikey, the successful hooligan.

- F*** off.

All right, well, how about this?

New phone.

Brand-new work phone.

New phone, new car, fully insured.

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