The Private Lives of Pippa Lee

- (laughter)

- (man) OK, alright, hold up.

Someone has to say something

nice about my friend Herb tonight,

so I'm gonna give it a shot.

I have followed Herb Lee

my whole writing career.

I followed him through three publishing

houses, and when he started his own.

It's embarrassing to need your editor

so badly, so I'm gratified to announce

that he has now followed me

to Central Connecticut. Thank you.

I didn't follow you,

I had three heart attacks.

This was a pre-emptive strike

against decrepitude.

- (laughter)

- Well, whatever brought you here

to the beautiful

Marigold Retirement Community,

I just want to say I'm glad you're here,

right down the road from my place,

and as long as Pippa

keeps making that butterflied lamb,

I'll do anything.

I'll even caddy for you.

That's fine,

as long as I don't have to play golf.

Wait, one more thing.

I just want to say something else.

I have known Pippa Lee for 25 years...

...and I think

that I will never really know her.

She is a mystery. An enigma.

Giving, caring, beautiful, intelligent,

the very icon of an artist's wife.

- What are you talking about?

- No, you are.

And who precisely is this artist

that Pippa is married to?

- (laughter)

- Exactly!

Yes, that's my point!

That's what it's come down to.

The one true artist's wife

left in the modern world,

and she ended up with a publisher.

To Herb and Pippa

and their weird new condo.

Yeah, I just, er, got three new poems.

Wonderful. If you'd ever like to show

them to somebody who's non-judgemental,

- I'd be happy to take a look at them.

- Really?

I would like that.

That would mean so much to me.

I wish Sam wouldn't keep saying

Daddy moved to be near him.

He's a satirist. Anyway, nothing's

going to put a dent in Herb's ego.

It's you I'm worried about.

It's time for dessert.

But, Herb, what is the real reason

you moved here?

Scaling down, making life more simple.

I've liquidated everything

so that when I go,

Pippa and the kids can get everything

and not give it to the government.

(Sam) I thought you loved paying taxes.

I have to admit, I actually like

this house. It's so easy.

I'm glad you feel that way, sweetie.

Though I can't help wondering

how many people have died here.

Your problem is you're too adaptable.

You're the adaptable enigma.

(Pippa) To be perfectly honest,

I've had enough of being an enigma.

I wanna be known.

Like many people,

I have lived more than one life,

so we're going to have to start

at the beginning.

- (man) Breathe. Breathe.

- (woman) Shut up!

I see the head. Come on, one good push!

(yells) Oh, f*** you!

- (baby cries)

- (man) Good girl.

My birth was marked

by several unusual occurrences.

First of all,

I was covered in fine blonde fur.

(baby cries)

- Why is she furry?

- That's nothing to worry about.

When a baby's this late,

it has time to grow vestigial hair,

from the time that we were monkeys.

I had a monkey! I had a monkey!

You can expect to have

a beautiful baby girl.

The hair is just vestigial,

as I tried to tell your wife.

I'm sorry if it offends you, Father, but

we believe that millions of years ago,

- humans were covered with fur.

- I know that.

So, is it a baby or a pet?

Suky knew my condition

had nothing to do with evolution.

It was all her fault,

because my mother had a secret,

her own little stash of sin.

(whistles)

- How's my pal?

- I'm OK.

Are you having a hard time

living here in Wrinkleberry?

It's strange having so much time on my

hands. This place is easy to maintain,

but there's gonna be charity work

I can find.

- You wanna move back to the city?

- We just sold our apartment.

- Well, we can get another one.

- Are you serious?

No.

I'm just having a hard time

thinking of this as the end of the line.

I think it's sort of romantic...

starting all over, just the two of us.

So little stuff.

Must you always look at the bright side?

Can I get you anything?

- Some carrot juice?

- No, I'm fine.

What was that cheese

we had for lunch yesterday?

It was vacherin. I was so excited

to find that at the market.

I love that cheese.

Once I lost my furry coat,

my mother was so relieved

that she became sort of obsessed

with my appearance.

She even took a drawing course

at the town hall,

the sole purpose of which

was making pictures of me.

Sweetheart,

you have the most beautiful eyes.

I think God took all of our best

features and put them on your face.

Don't you move. Almost done.

(slams phone down)

Why, you little...

Turkey, turkey, turkey, turkey.

- Ouch!

- (slaps Pippa)

("Teen Baby" by Gary Trexler)

She dressed me up as angels,

cowgirls, movie stars.

I was her prize possession.

# You're real, real cool

# For you I'm a fool

- # Teen baby, be mine

- # Honey, I will

- # Teen baby, be mine

- # Honey, you know I will

# Baby, be mine

# All of the time

# Oh, don't you know

# I love you so

- # Glad you're my date

- # Do-do, do-do-do

# With me, you're great

Teen baby, be mine

(gasps)

(police siren)

- (Herb) Who else has a key?

- The cleaning lady.

But I can't see Miss Fanning

breaking in with a few friends

to have chocolate cake

in the middle of the night.

- And the maintenance people?

- You think it was me?

- You think I'm losing my marbles?

- I wasn't saying that. I wasn't...

- Hey.

- There she is.

Hi, Daddy.

- You look great.

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