The Onion Movie Page #3

and you just kind of want to lick it,

you know, and suck it.

# Lollipop

Hey, yeah #

# Lollipop #

# Love #

# Lollipop #

# Love

Baby, baby #

# Lolly, lolly, lolly

lollipop #

# Oh-ho, lollipop love #

Like a lollipop.

What about the song

"Shoot Your Love All Over Me"?

That's about how, like,

when you're in love...

you just wanna be covered in it.

# Shoot your love all over me #

# Oh, drown me in a milky sea #

# Love all over me #

But clearly, the video

seems to tell a different story.

What kind is that?

- The kind with a... cum shot.

- I'm a virgin.

How would I know what a facial is?

Sometimes I like dressing up

sexy in my videos...

but that's just my way

of celebrating being a woman.

You know, people are always

gonna try to tear you down...

but that's their problem, not mine.

Because I know

who Melissa Cherry is.

She's just a good, old-fashioned country girl

from Monroe, Tennessee.

# Baby ##

The pope condemned

three more glands today...

bringing the total number

of sinful hormone secretion ducts...

on the human body to 11.

In international news...

relations between Sloravia and Azmenistan

continued to deteriorate...

when Azmenistani... rebels... seized a-

Hey, Norm.

Hey, Norm. Okay.

- Oh, there goes Norm again.

- He looks pissed.

Onion tip line.

What do you got?

Hey, Norm. What's up?

Hey, Norman.

What the hell was that?

We'd, uh, been meaning

to talk to you about that.

Um, it's Globie.

It's the Global Tetrahedron penguin.

Yeah, the folks at Global

Tetrahedron thought he'd be...

you know, a fun, unobtrusive way

to plug the company during the news.

Plus, you gotta admit,

he is pretty f***ing cute.

Hi, Norm.

Who's the best anchorman

in the whole world? You are!

Come on, Norman.

You've gotta get with the times, mate.

These kind of tie-ins are

commonplace these days, Norman.

It's called synergy, Norm.

We cannot have a shameless ad

for our parent company...

running during the newscast.

It's a blatant compromise

of our journalistic ethics and integrity.

I'm sorry. It's just that, um-

You know, what you're saying, it's-

It's a steaming pile of sh*t, mate.

Norm, listen, what he's trying

to say is it's, uh, uh-

- It's-

- Hilarious!

It's off the wall!

It's rude, crude and uncensored.

It's the very best of

Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts!

Rolly Ingersoll should get

cancer and die!

All the top names in the business

turn out to give each other the business.

Jack Morton,

you're a f***in' a**hole.

You'll get all the zingers.

F*** you.

All the comebacks.

Suck my dick!

For just 19.99,

you'll get the full-length video...

of the best of Bud Schwartz Celebrity Roasts

delivered straight to your door.

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