The Onion Movie

Synopsis: We watch the Onion News, America's Finest News Source, with Dana Dobbs, Senior Correspondent Kip Kendall, and award-winning anchor Norm Archer. In addition to watching the news, we see the program's commercials, some commentary on the film as it proceeds, and we watch some terrorists in training. Behind the scenes, Onion News's corporate owner, Global Tetrahedron, seeks synergy by promoting its other products within Norm's news broadcast. Norm doesn't like it, especially when a toy penguin (think Energizer Bunny) waddles across his desk promoting a Global Tetrahedron film starring Steven Seagal. But Norm may end up needing Steven's help.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Tom Kuntz, Mike Maguire
Production: Fox
86 min

out of your situation through hard work.

Why don't you get a job like the rest of us?

According to statistics,

And the surgeon general is taking steps

to address the problem.

- As a result of the rampant

spread of obesity in the U. S...

the government has been forced

to raise the definition of obesity...

from 55% body fat to 90%.

The move, which reduces

the number of obese Americans...

from 200 million to 185 million...

was widely applauded

from coast to coast.

It's high time the government stepped in

and did something about this problem.

I don't wanna be obese.

Man, that shit is all fucked up.

In other news,

Georgia officials announced...

plans to add a swastika and middle finger

to the Georgia state flag.

Joe's Diner,

an unusual Atlanta area eatery...

was not based around any sports,

music, or movie-based theme-

- Have you spoken to Norm about the changes?

- Not yet.

- He's not gonna be happy.

- But he's got no choice.

Whatever the new parent

company says... goes.

Melissa Cherry is America's

biggest pop sensation...

selling millions of records

to her legions of teenage fans.

But is this young singer

sending the wrong message?

Kip Kendall reports.

Her new album, Come With Me...

has gone quadruple platinum

and made her a household name.

# Baby, when we kiss

my heart just skips a beat #

#And when you hold my hand

Oh, I can hardly speak #

# Oh, yeah

I'm down on my knees #

But some concerned parents

think Melissa Cherry's...

image and music are too sexy...

setting an inappropriate

example for their children.

So, what do you say to

all the concerned parents out there?

Well, Kip, I honestly don't understand

what all the fuss is about.

My music isn't about sex.

It's about being a girl

and having fun.

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Todd Hanson

Todd Hanson is an American writer and voice actor, notable for his work as a writer and editor at the parody newspaper The Onion. He also voices the character Dan Halen on the Adult Swim program Squidbillies. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "The Onion Movie" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 26 Jan. 2021. <>.

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