The Onion Movie Page #2

out of your situation through hard work.

Why don't you get a job like the rest of us?

According to statistics,

And the surgeon general is taking steps

to address the problem.

- As a result of the rampant

spread of obesity in the U. S...

the government has been forced

to raise the definition of obesity...

from 55% body fat to 90%.

The move, which reduces

the number of obese Americans...

from 200 million to 185 million...

was widely applauded

from coast to coast.

It's high time the government stepped in

and did something about this problem.

I don't wanna be obese.

Man, that sh*t is all f***ed up.

In other news,

Georgia officials announced...

plans to add a swastika and middle finger

to the Georgia state flag.

Joe's Diner,

an unusual Atlanta area eatery...

was not based around any sports,

music, or movie-based theme-

- Have you spoken to Norm about the changes?

- Not yet.

- He's not gonna be happy.

- But he's got no choice.

Whatever the new parent

company says... goes.

Melissa Cherry is America's

biggest pop sensation...

selling millions of records

to her legions of teenage fans.

But is this young singer

sending the wrong message?

Kip Kendall reports.

Her new album, Come With Me...

has gone quadruple platinum

and made her a household name.

# Baby, when we kiss

my heart just skips a beat #

#And when you hold my hand

Oh, I can hardly speak #

# Oh, yeah

I'm down on my knees #

But some concerned parents

think Melissa Cherry's...

image and music are too sexy...

setting an inappropriate

example for their children.

So, what do you say to

all the concerned parents out there?

Well, Kip, I honestly don't understand

what all the fuss is about.

My music isn't about sex.

It's about being a girl

and having fun.

But clearly the song, "Down on my Knees,"

Melissa, is about fellatio, isn't it?

Ew. It's about how...

like, when you have

a big crush on a boy...

sometimes you get down on your knees

and, like, beg for their love.

# Oh, I got so much love

I need to show it #

What about your first big hit,

"Take Me From Behind"?

"Take Me From Behind"

isn't sexual at all.

It's about love sneaking up on you.

You know, like from the behind.

You know, it could be a boyfriend's love

sneaking up on you...

or a friend's or even Jesus Christ.

# But what I really want is for

you to take me from behind #

# Oh, yeah #

# Oh, yeah #

# Oh #

# Oh, oh #

#When you love me right up front

you know that I don't mind #

# But what I really want is for you

to take me from behind #

Let's talk about the song,

"Lollipop Love."

"Lollipop Love" is...

the kind of love

that is just really sweet...

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