The Onion Movie

Synopsis: We watch the Onion News, America's Finest News Source, with Dana Dobbs, Senior Correspondent Kip Kendall, and award-winning anchor Norm Archer. In addition to watching the news, we see the program's commercials, some commentary on the film as it proceeds, and we watch some terrorists in training. Behind the scenes, Onion News's corporate owner, Global Tetrahedron, seeks synergy by promoting its other products within Norm's news broadcast. Norm doesn't like it, especially when a toy penguin (think Energizer Bunny) waddles across his desk promoting a Global Tetrahedron film starring Steven Seagal. But Norm may end up needing Steven's help.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Tom Kuntz, Mike Maguire
Production: Fox
86 min

valuable job skills and experience.

It's like teaching a man how to fish.

So quit stalling,

get your bitch ass back there...

and give me a 40-hour week position...

with vacation pay and benefits...

you piece of shit motherfucker.

And don't make me ask twice.

Back that ass up.

Let's go. Let's go. I can help

the next motherfuckin' person in line.

You in that apricot sweater suit,

get your bitch ass on over here now!

How can I help you today?

I'd like to deposit this check,

please, into my savings account,

and then I need to withdraw-

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just shut the f*ck up for a minute.

What the f*ck you doin', Liz Anne?

You callin' the cops?

- No.

- If that's the goddamned cops-

No, no, I swear. I was just on

with an account holder. I was advising him-

I'm gonna kill you, bitch!

Who the f*ck's this?

You a cop? Mm-hmm.

Well, what I recommend is that

you keep at least 500 in your checking...

to just avoid

the minimum balance fee...

and put the rest in our money market which

will earn you an additional 2% interest.

Right. You have a nice day, sir.

My pleasure. Uh-

Liz Anne, uh, sorry.

My bad.

That's okay.

Honest mistake.

Armed gunman,

I've been watching you...

and I must say, I'm impressed.

How'd you like to be

our new customer services supervisor?

Mr. P., it'd be

my motherfuckin' honor.

Outstanding. Yeah, we're gonna get you

an annuity for 12 years on that one.

I'll get you 8% on that one.

Everybody down now!

Get the f*ck down, everybody!

Give me all the money!

Hurry up! Hurry the f*ck up!

What you doing?

You playing back there?

Load the bag up with money,

and nobody else fucking move.

You hurry up!

Hurry the f*ck up!

Load the bag up!

Load the bag-

You sicken me.

Asking for a handout...

instead of raising yourself up

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Todd Hanson

Todd Hanson is an American writer and voice actor, notable for his work as a writer and editor at the parody newspaper The Onion. He also voices the character Dan Halen on the Adult Swim program Squidbillies. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "The Onion Movie" STANDS4 LLC, 2020. Web. 1 Dec. 2020. <>.

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