The Nutty Professor Page #3

She doesn't look well.

There ain't nothin' wrong with Oprah.

I seen Oprah on Hard Copy last week.

Was the picture of health.

Got her a tall, young, strong

gentleman named Steadman.

So handsome.

- Amazing grace

- She's my favorite out of all of 'em-

- - Jenny Jones, Marilyn Kagan,

Maury Povich.

Letterman, Leno.

Montel, Ricki Lake.

- I like Geraldo.

- Mike Douglas. Ohh, Mike Douglas.

You know, Mike Douglas used to

make me moist when I'd watch his show.

I admit it. Only white man

ever did that to me was Mike Douglas.

I would like to volunteer to take

this old bird out of her misery.

- Cletus! Don't you dare

say that about Mama.

- No, no, hold it.

You ain't gotta protect me from Cletus.

Come on, Cletus.

Come on over here.

It ain't but a short walk.

Come on over.

You gonna limp back. You'll walk over,

but you're limpin' back.

But don't let the gray hair fool ya.

I ain't no easy win, n*gger.

Your problem is, you don't work out.

Look. That's all muscle.

- Ohh!

- You fat. I'm muscle.

Ohh, look at my little b-

He's a little Hercules.

Show me your muscles

again. Ohh!

Hercules, Hercules,

Hercules, Hercules!

Once you work out, your

metabolism starts to speed up,

you can eat anything you want.

- He's so strong.

- Recent studies have shown...

that certain people

are genetically predisposed

to gaining weight.

Someday we might even

find a cure.

Only thing you need to study

is your ass.

- I got a big ass.

Your mama got a big ass.

- Cletus!

You do have a big ass.

Asses is big in our family.

You need to get used to that.

I don't care what diet you go on.

You can sew up your stomach

and your a**hole-

you gon' always be fat.

All I'm tryin' to say is

scientific breakthroughs

are occurring all the time.

The only thing about to

break through is your ass

through the seat of your pants.

Sherman, I think I do remember

hearing something on TV

about colon cleansin'.

They say everyone

should have one.

I'm thinkin' about gettin' me

an appointment and gettin'

my colon cleansed thoroughly.

- You want your colon cleansed?

I'm gon' clean mine.

There. Now my colon is clean.

Squeaky clean.

Every time we have a meal,

you break gas. Don't break gas

and destroy our meal.

You the one that brought up

colon cleansin'!

I did not say anything

about breakin' gas!

You can talk about puttin'

a tube in somebody's ass,

but I can't break wind.

- I didn't say nothin' 'bout

puttin' a hose up nobody's ass.

- What you think a colonic is?

- You think you run your

a**hole by the car wash?

- You're chokin' the baby.

As long as I pay the bills,

I do what I want at this table.

- Case in point:

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