The Nightmare Page #2

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floating in the air.

And I could try and see myself,

but I would just see a blur.

And it happened

for many years, and...

when I was pregnant

with my daughter,

and I felt the baby as well,

trying to come out.

But I was trying to fight it,

and I was saying, "no, no."

So I would pull back.

It's like If I would pull back.

And it would pull, you know,

the other way.

When I was in

my mid to late 20s,

I had a really awful breakup.

I was miserable because

I was so brokenhearted.

And I started my first teaching

job around the same time,

so I was super stressed-out

from that.

I would just see this, like,

dark figure by the bookshelves,

and I could not move,

and it was f***ing terrifying.

I didn't know

what was happening.

I did think that somebody

had broken

into my apartment at first,

because at that point,

my roommate and I lived...

I had a roommate then...

we lived on fourth street,

and we were on the top floor

of the building.

And our building

was really easy to get into.

Like, the door in from

the balcony to our apartment

didn't really lock,

so I think I was like,

"Oh, f***,

somebody actually broke in."

To be lying there and know,

I want to move,

and I'm trying to move,

and I cannot...

absolutely terrifying.

I've always had a problem

with states of consciousness.

Slipping in and out

of different states

of consciousness.

And I do remember...

When I was very, very young...

two, three,

I was still in a crib.

And there was

a plug-in night light,

and it was that orange

cast color.

And it was all dark

except for that orange cast,

and the room turned red,

and I felt like something

was coming after me,

and I cuddled down

and covered myself.

It was my earliest memory

of the scariness

that happened to me

and continued to happen.

Laying down to go to sleep,

I would feel utterly exhausted,

almost as If

I had just been drugged.

I mean, you know,

having been in the hospital,

I understand what that's like.

It's just like

I had been injected.

And my eyes sealed shut.

My mouth sealed shut.

And It's as If everything

was shutting down,

except for my awareness,

my consciousness.

And then I could feel

a vibration.

Sometimes it was so intense,

it felt like being electrocuted,

but it was definitely

an electrical vibration.

I began hearing voices

and screams

and crying...

And all of this really

emotional drama,

yelling to crying,

but all negative emotion,

all of these different voices.

And then that is when

the shadow man

would come toward me.

Stupid, stupid, stupid,

stupid, stupid! Stupid!

And he looked just like

a three-dimensional shadow,

outlined, just perfect.

And he would walk...

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