The Love Guru Page #2

Synopsis: Born in America, but raised in Havemahkeeta in India, with a population of 76, Maurice had always to better Deepak Chopra, and be sexually active, ever since he was 12. His Guru, Tugginmypudha, while approving of Deepak, cautions Maurice and has a chastity belt put around his waist, much to Maurice's chagrin. Years later, Maurice has established himself as Guru Pitka in America, but would like to appear in the Oprah Show and be better than Deepak Chopra. When Jane Bullard from the the Toronto Maple Leafs hires him to counsel their star hockey player, Darren Roanoke, to win back his wife, Prudence, from Kings' star player, Jacques Grande, and also stand up to his dominating mother, Lilian, he agrees to do so - with hilarious results.
Genre: Comedy, Romance, Sport
Director(s): Marco Schnabel
Production: Paramount Pictures
  5 wins & 8 nominations.
 
IMDB:
3.8
Metacritic:
24
Rotten Tomatoes:
13%
PG-13
Year:
2008
87 min
$32,178,777
Website
1,485 Views


I'm the next Deepak Chopra!

Deepak Chopra. Maurice Pitka.

Please enter the ashram

of the Guru Tugginmypudha.

Guru Tugginmypudha,

you are so good with nunchucks,

yet you are blind.

I am not blind.

I am just severely cross-eyed.

I know, it is weird.

Be seated.

Deepak, here you go.

Maurice, you're not of Indian blood.

Speak of your parents.

They are both dead.

They were missionaries.

And what did they do before then?

They were dog stylists.

So, let me get this straight.

They were into doggy style

before the missionary position?

That's hilarious.

My parents are dead. Thanks.

Deepak,

why do you want to join

the Tugginmypudha Ashram?

To seek my true self.

All right, kiss ass.

Maurice, why do you want to join?

I want to become a guru

so girls will like me.

Then I will like myself.

Deepak, you will enjoy love in all forms.

Maurice, you must

wear this chastity belt.

Chastity belt? That sucks!

Once you have learned

that self-love is more important

than being loved by others,

you may remove the belt.

Master, if I am not allowed

to be with a woman, may I still...

You will go cross-eyed!

Guaranteed.

- Mariska Hargitay. Yeah.

- Mariska Hargitay.

I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.

Welcome to my ashram,

the Ecumenical Intuitive Enlightenment

Initiative Organization,

or EIEIO.

- Guru Pitka had a farm.

- EIEIO.

- And on that farm, he did no harm.

- EIEIO.

Okay.

If I sit like this any longer,

I'm gonna pop my dink bag.

Listen up. I am a guru.

Let's look at the word "guru," okay?

My goal is to get you to say,

"Gee, you are you."

TM.

And the you of "guru" is intimacy.

Or "into-me-l-see."

I see.

Without intimacy, you feel nowhere.

Tonight I want you to go

from nowhere to "now here."

Yeah.

It's like in The Electric Company,

you know?

- Now...

- Here.

- Nowhere.

- Nowhere.

My laws of intimacy

are kind of like my Bible.

And let's look at the word "Bible,"

shall we?

The Bible is " basic instructions

before leaving earth."

TM.

Put that sh*t on a T-shirt.

Show the T-shirt.

Now, I myself

have a guru, Guru Tugginmypudha.

And my guru, Guru Tugginmypudha

had a guru, Guru Cheddafrumunda.

And Guru Cheddafrumunda

had a guru, Guru Hathasmalvena.

Guru Hathasmalvena had

two main periods of his Gita,

or words of wisdom.

The first period

came before he got syphilis.

Some pre-syphilitic

words of wisdom include,

"To know something is good.

"To do something is God."

Then, after he got syphilis,

he would say things like,

"Eatin' ain't cheatin'."

"Did it smell that bad when you ate it?"

"Liquor up front, poker in back."

But his point was this,

"If you can't love yourself,

you can't love another."

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote

Mike Myers

Michael John "Mike" Myers is a Canada-born actor, comedian, screenwriter, director, and film producer, who also holds UK and US citizenship. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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