The Love Guru Page #2
I'm the next Deepak Chopra!
Deepak Chopra. Maurice Pitka.
Please enter the ashram
of the Guru Tugginmypudha.
Guru Tugginmypudha,
you are so good with nunchucks,
yet you are blind.
I am not blind.
I am just severely cross-eyed.
I know, it is weird.
Be seated.
Deepak, here you go.
Maurice, you're not of Indian blood.
Speak of your parents.
They are both dead.
They were missionaries.
And what did they do before then?
They were dog stylists.
So, let me get this straight.
They were into doggy style
before the missionary position?
That's hilarious.
My parents are dead. Thanks.
Deepak,
why do you want to join
the Tugginmypudha Ashram?
To seek my true self.
All right, kiss ass.
Maurice, why do you want to join?
I want to become a guru
so girls will like me.
Then I will like myself.
Deepak, you will enjoy love in all forms.
Maurice, you must
wear this chastity belt.
Chastity belt? That sucks!
Once you have learned
that self-love is more important
you may remove the belt.
Master, if I am not allowed
to be with a woman, may I still...
You will go cross-eyed!
Guaranteed.
- Mariska Hargitay. Yeah.
- Mariska Hargitay.
I am His Holiness, the Guru Pitka.
Welcome to my ashram,
the Ecumenical Intuitive Enlightenment
Initiative Organization,
or EIEIO.
- Guru Pitka had a farm.
- EIEIO.
- And on that farm, he did no harm.
- EIEIO.
Okay.
If I sit like this any longer,
I'm gonna pop my dink bag.
Listen up. I am a guru.
Let's look at the word "guru," okay?
My goal is to get you to say,
"Gee, you are you."
TM.
And the you of "guru" is intimacy.
Or "into-me-l-see."
I see.
Without intimacy, you feel nowhere.
Tonight I want you to go
from nowhere to "now here."
Yeah.
It's like in The Electric Company,
you know?
- Now...
- Here.
- Nowhere.
- Nowhere.
My laws of intimacy
are kind of like my Bible.
And let's look at the word "Bible,"
shall we?
The Bible is " basic instructions
before leaving earth."
TM.
Put that sh*t on a T-shirt.
Show the T-shirt.
Now, I myself
have a guru, Guru Tugginmypudha.
And my guru, Guru Tugginmypudha
had a guru, Guru Cheddafrumunda.
And Guru Cheddafrumunda
had a guru, Guru Hathasmalvena.
Guru Hathasmalvena had
two main periods of his Gita,
or words of wisdom.
The first period
came before he got syphilis.
Some pre-syphilitic
words of wisdom include,
"To know something is good.
"To do something is God."
Then, after he got syphilis,
"Eatin' ain't cheatin'."
"Did it smell that bad when you ate it?"
"Liquor up front, poker in back."
But his point was this,
"If you can't love yourself,
you can't love another."
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"The Love Guru" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Mar. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_love_guru_20752>.
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