The Last Word Page #3

I've worked very hard in

therapy not to think of her.

If there's just one thing

you could say

about her that's nice.

One thing nice.

If she were dead, that would be nice.

How's that?

She's like a human black cloud.

Angriest vagina

this side of China.

"Give me the wafer this way."

"Hand me the wine that way."

"That wine is horrible."

Like, nothing?

Zippo.

I don't...

So this is what you wrote.

It's a first draft.

No. This is a

first paragraph.

It's succinct.

It's one paragraph.

It's to the point

and I think that's good.

No, it's the life of a loser.

I wouldn't say that.

This is the life of a nobody.

I definitely wouldn't say that.

Then what would you say?

Because you certainly

have not captured

an impressive life,

an important life.

I did my best.

That is really unfortunate

for both of us.

Well, I didn't have

a lot to work with.

No, you had my life

to work with.

And I did the best

that I could with it.

Huh.

How grossly I overestimated

your talent as a writer.

With all due respect...

Oh, now you respect me.

I was not really sure of that.

The problem

isn't with my writing.

What is the problem?

It's the subject.

You are the problem.

Excuse me?

You are the problem.

What? How dare you?

No, I... I'm sorry.

How dare you?

No one, and I mean nobody,

had one nice thing

to say about you.

No colleagues, no friends.

Certainly no family.

What did you just say?

I said certainly no family.

Hmm.

Get out of my house.

I'm just... I'm just

being honest with you.

You expected these people

to sing your praises?

I mean, you're way off.

Get out of my house!

Now!

B*tch!

Harriet, what are you...

What are you doing here?

I do not wish to be

sodomized in the hallway.

Do you know what time it is?

Sit down, please.

We need to talk.

What is this sh*t?

These are obituaries

from newspapers

all over the country.

I want you to read them

and see what other

obituary writers are doing.

Wow, I'm sorry you

don't like what I wrote,

but that's... That was just

me writing about your life.

But my life is not over. Yet.

Now, I have determined

there are four

essential elements

to a really great obituary.

Is that right?

That's right.

One, the deceased should

be loved by their families.

Right.

Two, the deceased should be

admired by their coworkers.

I... I know.

Three, the deceased must have

touched someone's

life unexpectedly.

And if said person was

a minority or a cripple,

so much the better.

Okay, and the fourth?

And the fourth,

that's the wild card.

I do not know

what my wild card is.

Wild card?

Yes, a statement of

such breadth and wonder

that it's the opening

line of the obituary.

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