The Last Kiss

What are you thinking about?

I was just thinking how convenient

it is for me that it's considered hip

to drive a $20,000 hybrid.

Dork.

And how lucky I am that you love me.

I love you, too, babe.

I'm 29 years old. I'll be 30 next month.

When I was a kid, I used to close

my eyes and try to picture myself at 30,

and this is what I saw.

A great job, still best friends

with the guys I grew up with,

and in love with a beautiful girl.

So far, I gotta say

that my life has turned out

pretty much exactly

the way I imagined it.

We have something to tell you.

We have something to tell you.

-You're getting...

-A baby.

-A baby?

-Yeah.

Oh, my God!

How did you do that?

Well...

-I'm 10 weeks.

-You are 10... Oh, my...

-Fabulous!

-Ten weeks.

-Oh, yay, yay!

-Congratulations, Michael.

Fantastic.

Sweetheart, champagne!

I'm overwhelmed.

All right. Champagne.

Let's get some champagne.

Let's drink a toast. Oh, my...

-Honey, where's the champagne?

-It's in the bar, under the sink.

Now, you can't have any champagne,

but we can drink for you.

We're very good at that.

All right, I'll be right back.

Don't say another word, please,

until I'm here.

-So, what do you think?

-Well, I think it's a...

It's a very big thing.

Traditionally, not the first big thing

of your adult life.

We've talked about

getting married before.

We just...

You know,

Michael's been so busy working,

and I'm in the middle of my dissertation,

and it just...

I don't know, it feels weird now.

We don't want people thinking

we're getting married 'cause we have to,

-because that's not why we would.

-Nobody will think that.

Remember Lucy's wedding?

Oh, honey, please.

That girl's a slut.

She completely trapped that guy.

Case in point.

No one's gonna think that about you.

Open this, darling.

It's warm!

Well, of course it's warm.

We never drink it.

If I open this, it's going to explode.

It's all right.

Just live on the edge, Stephen.

Open the bottle.

Open the bottle because

I'm a grandmother,

-and I want to celebrate!

-Okay, here we go!

Come on, get it while it's hot.

-Hooray, hooray.

-That's for you.

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, my...

-No, just a little, Dad.

-It's the last drink you're gonna have.

All right.

To my little girl and her little boy.

-Or girl.

-Or girl. I was going to say that.

And here's to the young man

who's responsible for the whole thing.

Who's feeling more responsible

by the second.

Quite right.

-Cheers.

-Cheers.

If you have to settle down,

if you absolutely have to

become an adult,

and have a baby

and all that comes with it,

this is the kind of woman

you want to do it with.

You couldn't ask for a better girl.

Your cousin stayed fat.

Tricia was enormous

to begin with, baby.

She grew to the size of a parade balloon

when she was pregnant

but then she went back

to being a regular fat-ass.

The point is, she's a fatter ass now

than she was before.

And, you know, she's always dieting.

She talks about dieting.

If you look in her purse,

it looks like

she just went trick-or-treating.

You're cruel.

I am going to be fat and ugly.

Baby, no matter how fat you get,

you could never be ugly.

And as long as I can find these

perfect breasts amidst all the rolls,

I'll be happy.

And this ass!

-You have the greatest ass in the world!

-Wait, wait!

So when it's large,

it'll just be that much greater!

-Come on! What? I can't hear you!

-Stop! Stop it!

I can't hear you!

You are so pathetic.

Oh, my God, why? Why?

What did I do to deserve this?

You're just an incredibly lucky woman.

Will you start eating with me, big boy?

-Yeah, we'll go pickle for pickle.

-Promise?

Yeah, I'll bring my cousin over.

We can snack on her belly.

Don't. That's gross.

-That's Izzy. I gotta go.

-No, don't. No.

Don't go.

Are you going to be really late?

No, because I have plans

for your boobies later.

I don't want you to know.

I'm gonna tell them privately.

Don't listen.

Okay.

Okay, we'll talk later.

No, you can't. Okay, bye.

I heard.

Honey,

does it bother you at all

that we didn't plan this?

That it just happened?

What are you talking about? Not at all.

It's gonna be great.

-Really?

-Yeah.

If you got him strippers,

I'm going to have to take you down.

Come on, Jenna.

You know I'm not into that.

Where did you find them?

It's your wedding, man.

Like your brothers

are gonna let you down.

So beautiful.

Oh, f***.

-You all right, man?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

It's okay, man. Let it out, buddy.

-Is he okay?

-Yeah, fine.

-No, no. He's fine.

-He does this all the time.

It's very hard for him, you know,

because his mother was a lesbian,

and she passed away very recently.

You guys should just keep going.

You gotta push through

because what you're doing is beautiful.

I'm fine. I'm all right.

-Come on, let's take a little break.

-No, no.

We'll take a little break.

Let's go outside, we'll get a little air.

Okay? Girls, back to work.

-I'm sorry. Don't mind me.

-Careful, don't slip on the ass beads.

Step over them. There we go.

I just loved knowing, you know?

Like, I saw my whole life laid out

in front of me. Perfect.

And then that b*tch just yanked it all

away from me.

Just...

You know? It's like...

Of course, you know.

You and Jenna

are like the same person.

-Now you're having a baby?

-Yeah.

-How intense is that?

-Pretty intense.

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