The Ladies Man

1

[ Man Over Radio]

Along the Kennedy Expressway,

a truck overturned

in the slow lane.

Along the Stevenson Expressway,

the traffic moving along nicely.

Another Shadow traffic update

with TJ. Burks in ten minutes.

You are listening to WRIX,

Chicago's number one news

and financial net work.

Now, back to Money Matters.

I'm your host, Gil Stewart,.

and we're almost out of time

here on Money Matters,

but here's a quick wrap-up

of the day's biggest stories.

The Dow closing out today

at minus 55,

while the NASDAQ

was up seven points.

The S&P is down four.

Gold takes a big hit on the floor

as the International Monetary Fund...

unloads 10%

of its gold holdings,

causing ripples

throughout the banking industry,

continuing the trend of

unloading the bulk of its holdings...

in favor of

better-performing securities.

You've been listening

to Money Matters.

I'm Gil Stewart,

looking after your money.

- It's now 2:
00 a.m. and time for--

' i. [SOUI]

What's happening?

And welcome to The Lad/es Man,

the love line with all the right

responses to your romantic queries.

My name is Leon Phelps, and to those

of you that are uninitiated,

I am an expert

in the ways of love.

Um, I have made love

to many fine ladies,

from the lowliest

bus station skank...

to the classiest,

most sophisticated,

educated, debutante,

high society bus station skank.

But listen. I am doing good,

if you were askin'.

I got my Courvoisier cognac

right here,

and I'm ready

to take your calls.

While I am not a psychiatrist

or a psychologist or whatever,

I have done it

to a lot of ladies,

and that makes me

somewhat like an expert.

I have a Ph.D. in tang,

as it were.

So, if you have a romantic query

and you are under the age of 50...

and you're not freaky or disgustin',

please give us a call.

My lovely producer,

Julie Simmons,

she is over there and she is

awaiting with bated breath...

to hear what

you got to say.

Okay, you're gonna have

to hold anyway, sir. Yeah.

Susan from Oak Park.

you have a question for Leon?

Oh, he left his clothes

at your house.

[Leon] The phone is lighting up,

so let's take a call.

Hey, what's happening? This is

Leon Phelps. You got The Ladies Man.

- [Woman] Hello, Ladies Man.

- Oh, it's a lady.

[Woman] I'm new to this city.

and I don't know too many people.

And I am painfully shy.

Yeah, you sound painfully shy.

Listen, this is what you should do.

Go to the bus station

or to a bowling alley...

and hang out

with no underpants.

- Trust me. It works.

- What?

You'd be surprised at how many men

will approach you. I know that I would.

Next caller, go ahead.

You got The Ladies Man.

[ Woman Over Telephone] Ladies Man.

I've been feeling really confused.

Yeah, that sounds good.

No, it's not good.

I'm in a relationship, but

I don't know if he is for real.

How do you know when

you're really, truly in love?

Don't worry.

When you're really, truly in love,

you will feel it

deep down in your pants.

Unless, of course,

you're not wearing any pants,

which is not uncommon

in my case.

What are you talking about?

I asked you about finding true love.

Yeah, that's right. You did. Listen,

I hope whatever I said was helpful.

Next caller.

You got The Ladies Man.

Next caller.

You got The Ladies Man.

Ma'am, I'm gonna have to put

you on hold, okay? Lad/es Man.

Listen, I don't care what you say.

Chlamydia is a soup.

It's my opinion.

I can have that if I'd like.

You don't have to argue. I've seen it

on the grocery store shelves.

Yes, I know that clam chowder

is not a venereal disease.

Don't argue with me about it.

I don't care if you are a doctor.

No, we promise there

won't be any more vulgar material.

You gotta get a thumb

and just stick it up in there.

Actually, get two thumbs up

in there, you know, like the Fonz.

Like this- Hey."

[ Chuckles]

There may be weird smells afterwards,

but don't worry. just take a shower.

Hey, go ahead, caller.

You got The Ladies Man.

[Man Narrating] No one knows

where Leon came from exactly,

but he started out life on

the steps of a majestic mansion.

The master of the house

was a great man...

who surrounded himself

with the world's most beautiful objects.

He had everything he wanted,

except a son.

Young Leon was taken

into this world...

and raised as one of their own.

And in that warm

family environment,.

Leon developed into quite

a stylish young man.

He learned everything a bright kid

would wanna know about--

stereo systems

and, of course, love.

In this magical kingdom,

the king shared everything

with him.

Only one thing was off-limits.

But Leon being Leon,

the day arrived when the benevolent

proprietor and Leon parted ways.

Poor little Leon

was thrown out into the cold,

much like Moses

in the days of old.

After that it Wash "t easy

for the little man, but he got along.

He always did.

Not because he was smart

and not because he was rich,

but because...

the ladies loved Leon Phelps.

- How did he do it?

- [ Bar Patrons In Unison] Hey, Leon.

Well, I guess you'd better

ask the man yourself.

Lester, how come you tell that story

every time we walk into this bar?

I don't know. Maybe there's somebody

out there who don't know you.

Yeah, right. It's the same five

or six people in this place.

- How'd your show go tonight?

- Oh, yeah, good question.

Rate this script:4.0 / 2 votes