The Jeff Dunham Show

Season #1 Episode #6

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Achmed:
Greetings, infidels! And now make a big loud noise for Jeff Dunham!

Jeff:
Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you! Well, thank you and thanks to all of you, especially the

applause-sign guy. Thanks, wherever he is. What a great audience. Wow. Whatever they gave you guys before you came in, it's certainly working. I really feel the love in this room. It's a shame I'm about to offend every single one of you. But I'm very happy to be here tonight. I know there's another guy who's happy to be anywhere. Please help me welcome my old buddy Peanut.

Peanut:
What? What are you looking at?

Jeff:
What's with the tie?

Peanut:
Oh, dude, this is a very special evening.

Jeff:
Why?

Peanut:
We're revealing The Jeff Dunham Show dancers.

Jeff:
Yeah, Peanut convinced me that our show needed dancers.

Peanut:
Yes.

Jeff:
So we actually went to a dance studio.

Peanut:
Yep.

Jeff:
We auditioned folks,

Peanut:
Yeah.

Jeff:
And I still don't know why we need dancers.

Peanut:
Dude, it's a comedy-variety show

Jeff:
Yeah?

Peanut:
We need variety. And a little comedy wouldn't hurt either. You got served! You got served! I mean, besides, every great show has dancing.

Jeff:
What do you mean?

Peanut:
You know, like Dancing with the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance, jack-ass.

Jeff:
jack-ass never had dancing.

Peanut:
Oh, no, I was just calling you a jack-ass.

Jeff:
Just show the auditions.

Jeff:
Hey, how's it going?

"I'm doing good."

Jeff:
Peanut, this is Brim. This is Peanut.

"What's up, Peanut?"

Peanut:
Oh, good to see you, Brim. So listen, I want dancers that are three-quarters black Michael Jackson and one-quarter white Michael Jackson. Can we do that?

"I believe we can accommodate you on that."

Peanut:
We're gonna be like, like judges, right?

"Exactly."

Peanut:
I'm gonna be Simon.

"Okay."

Peanut:
And Brim, you can be, you know, Randy Jackson since you're... you know.

"Yeah."

Peanut:
And you're gonna be the emotionally unstable chick. Yeah, trust me, it's good. Really. You don't have to do much to get there. Uh, uh, hello, I am Peanut and I am the creator of The Jeff Dunham Showdancers. Now I want to see so much hip-hop, I'll feel like I'm back in Compton! Let's do this!

(Dance)

Peanut:
Stop, stop. Cut the music. All right, all right, thank you. Excuse me, #31576, could you step forward, please? So, I almost let you go. Do you know why I didn't?

"Cause my body roll."

Peanut:
Well, actually, it's because I need a decaf latte. Could you go get that for me, please? Oh, I'm just kidding. I need a cappuccino and a bear claw.

"Bear claw."

"All right, Peanut, so this is the part that we bring 'em in one by one, and it gives you a chance to kinda see what they're all about.

Peanut:
Good.

"Can we bring in number one?"

Peanut:
Bring it. Bring it. Bring it! Don't bring it. Take it away. Now give it. Now let somebody else have it. You're a swan. A swan. You're a muskrat. You're an eagle. Now a penguin. Can you do The Robot? Okay, now talk like a robot.

"I am a dancing machine robot."

Peanut:
This guy's good.How are you?

Jeff:
I don't understand any of this.

Peanut:
Good.

"Nice, nice. Good job. Good job. Oh, yeah."

Peanut:
Could you get me another coffee? Next!

"Hey."

Peanut:
Oh hello.

"Hello."

Peanut:
Uh, what was your name?

"Emily."

Peanut:
Emily. And where are you from?

"Sweden."

Peanut:
Sweden! Okay, everybody out!

Jeff:
What?

Peanut:
Out! Out! Except you. I'm not gonna say you won, but uh... you have a pretty good shot. More wine?

I'm making this song up as I go along. No big deal.

I call it "Emily." I don't even know if you can dance. But who cares? I can't either.

Peanut:
I honestly wish you could all be Jeff Dunham dancers, but, uh, we can only afford, you know, three.

Jeff:
And Peanut, you've made your decision?

Peanut:
Yes, I have. Loquette, please step forward. Jenny, step forward. Could you please hug each other now?Okay. Oh, I'll have that in my head for a while. Okay, thank you. You can step back now.

Jeff:
Peanut, what are you doing? Can we please get

to the winners?

Peanut:
Yes, and the winners are...

Peanut:
Please welcome The Jeff Dunham Show Dancers! Jenny! My girlfriend Emily! And last but not least, Joey!

I love this. The chubby guy in the middle makes you realize how hot the hot chicks are. I'm a freakin' genius!

Walter:
One word, buddy: Man bra.

Walter:
Walter here. Coming up next, I try to break up

some relationships, we brilliantly give the terrorist a rifle, and the hillbilly shows us why beer kills brain cells.

Peanut:
Your tongue is the best dancer of all.

Jeff:
Well, it's nice to see two kids in love.

Walter:
Or whatever that was.

Jeff:
So, Walt...

Walter:
That was really disturbing.

Jeff:
I know. Listen...

Walter:
I-I don't think I can go on.

Jeff:
You...

Walter:
I'm gonna puke right now. I'm telling ya. That was sick! She was tonguing that little purple thing. Oh, she was French. That explains it.

Jeff:
No, she... she was from Sweden.

Walter:
Eh, big frickin' difference.

Jeff:
So, Walter, you've been married for 50 years. W-What's your secret?

I don't know.

Walter:
You know, like, the little things.

Jeff:
Really?

Walter:
Yeah, like, I'm a gentleman.

Jeff:
That's good.

Walter:
I always open the door for her.

Jeff:
Good.

Walter:
Yeah. And as soon as she walks outside, I lock it behind her.

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