The Jeff Dunham Show

Season #1 Episode #5

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Achmed:
Give it up for the man who let me borrow his Hummer to move a futon into my cave, Jeff Dunham.

Jeff:
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much and welcome to The Jeff Dunham Show. Thank you. And in all honesty, I feel

exactly the same about you. But now, ladies and gentlemen, let me get to my manager, my long time manager, a guy who has gotten me where I am today,

Sweet Daddy Dee.

"Yeah!"

Jeff:
Well, Sweet Daddy, it's good to see you tonight. Why don't you tell everyone about what you did this past weekend.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh, well, it was me trying to understand you white folks, cause I don't.

Jeff:
Right.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
You mothers do some weird ass-***.

Jeff:
Like what?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
White folks love to camp.

Jeff:
I like camping.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
"Oh, look, I'm Mr. Whitey!" "I'm paying all this money for a big house. I think I'll go sleep in the dirt." It looks like white folks love to pretend they're homeless.

Jeff:
Is there anything else you don't understand about us?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Uh, yeah. This.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Hi, I'm Sweet Daddy Dee, and today, i'm going to go inside the world of the whitest weekend

activity on the planet: Civil War reenactment. What the ****? I figured, if I had to come to this crazy-ass cracker fest, I shouldn't be doing it alone, so I brought my good friend. Abraham Lincoln. Yo, homeboy, say something presidential-ish.

Jeff:
Why am I here?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Remember when presidents used to be white? Hello.

"Hello."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Good to see you. I'm Sweet Daddy Dee, and this right here is Abraham Lincoln.

"A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Lincoln."

Jeff:
Uh, hi. He made me do this.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Before we get started, I just need your word that you're not going to try and sell me to some other crazy-ass cracker.

"You got my word, but i can't speak for everyone."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Why, thank you, Paul, that makes me feel great. Just to keep me safe for sure, i brought me some insurance. These are my secretaries of defense.

This is Secretary Tim and Secretary Adrian. Now, let's get out there and have some fun. How 'bout that, Paul?

"Let's do that."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
So, uh, what was the politically correct term, back then, for black folks?

"Either "free men of color" or a "darky."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh. A darky? Ouch.

"A darky would be a slave, a person, a black person who is..."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Awkward. Cut.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
So, uh, all this talk about Civil War reenactment is giving me a headache. Could you, uh, get me an aspirin out of that bottle there?

"Too much cotton."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
No aspirin? That's unusual. Good thing I travel with a lot of aspirin bottles. Right, fellas?

Jeff:
Sweet Daddy, I need to talk to you for a second.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Keep picking.

Jeff:
What are you doing?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh, my Lord! I got them picking cotton.

Jeff:
Look, do you have a hobby?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Making sweet love all night long.

Jeff:
Well, this is their hobby and they love it.

Sweet Daddy Dee:
I like my hobby better. Sorry about the

cotton thing, fellas. I had the wrong idea about all this Civil War reenacting. You guys are all right. Maybe if we can incorporate some things from my world into your world, this should be fun for both white and black folks.

"Sure, yeah."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
So, homeboys, uh, what kind of heat y'all packing?

"This is a LeMat pistol. It's a .44 caliber and a .20-gauge under barrel shotgun."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Oh, look at that. We got a AK-47.

What kind of music y'all listen to? Yo! Jimmy Crack Corn!

You want to crank the truth, you got to jack the beat. Come on!

"* In 1861, let me take you back * * The Confederate Army is mother ******* whack * * Brothers is free cause the Civil War we won * * Y'all don't like it, suck my Mason-Dixon *"

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Y'all ready to do this thing? Let's reenact something.

Jeff:
When does this reenactment start?

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Crazy b*tches! Crazy b*tches! Oh, yo, Adrian man, did you just shoot Lincoln?

"Yeah D, I think I got him."

Sweet Daddy Dee:
Thank you, Abe Lincoln.

"You're welcome."

Achmed:
Greetings, infidels. Stay tuned as I provide

more entertainment for your infidel phones. Also, Walter makes friends with a Chinese man. And Bubba J falls down stairs. I love slapstick. Especially the slap part.

* It's Walter's Relationship Advice *

* For lesbians *

Walter:
This is awesome. So, what's your frickin' problem,

and please tell me it has something to do with your sex life.

"Well, it seems, uh, Loren and I have developed a slight case of, um, lesbian bed death.

Walter:
Uh, lesbian what?

"Uh, we are more friends than, um, lovers right now, I guess.

Walter:
So let me get this straight: The lesbian thing just tapers off on its own?

"Uh, yes, absolutely."

Walter:
I guess my sister didn't need those shock treatments after all.

* That was Walter's Relationship Advice *

* For lesbians *

Achmed:
Greetings, infidels!

Jeff:
Achmed, how are you?

Achmed:
What?

Jeff:
What have you been doing lately?

Achmed:
Well, the usual.

Jeff:
Like what?

Achmed:
I cleaned up around the cave. I plucked my eyebrows. I built a bomb. It was a good day.

Jeff:
You built a bomb that sounds pretty dangerous.

Achmed:
Danger is my middle name.

Jeff:
Really?

Achmed:
Okay, actually, it's Leslie.

Jeff:
Really?

Achmed:
But don't tell anyone.

Jeff:
Okay.

Achmed:
When I was a child, the other kids used to laugh at me.

Jeff:
So what'd you do?

Achmed:
I killed them.

Jeff:
Anything new going on lately?

Achmed:
Well, let's see, I invented . a new cellular device.

Jeff:
Really?

Achmed:
Yes, it's called an I...

Jeff:
An Iphone?

Achmed:
No! It's the I "Kill You!" phone.

Jeff:
What does it do?

Achmed:
Well, you can email, you can text, you can stab, you can detonate. And there's an anthrax app.

Jeff:
What does that do?

Achmed:
If you have to ask, you need killing.

Jeff:
Well, you can make a phone call on this thing, right?

Achmed:
Damn it! I kill me!

Jeff:
Well, I'm sure it'll work with the ringtones you recorded.

Achmed:
I hope so.

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