The Jeff Dunham Show Page #2

Season #1 Episode #1

Genre: Comedy

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Year:: 2009
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Achmed:
SILENCE! Wait for it.. I KILL YOU!! That is fantastic, I feel like freaking Rod Stewart. Let's do it altogheter. One, two, three, I KILL YOU!
Audience:
I KILL YOU!
Achmed:
They're talking to you.
Jeff:
So Achmed, how are you liking Los Angeles?
Achmed:
Oh, I do not like living in this city.
Jeff:
Why?
Achmed:
There are no morals in this city.
Jeff:
Really?
Achmed:
The only virgins left here are the Jonas Brothers. So that makes Los Angeles the perfect place
for me to launch my latest project.
"He's one of the most feared people on the planet.
One of the FBI's most wanted terrorists. And now is coming to kill you..."
Achmed:
Hiyooo!
"..with comedy!"
Achmed:
The economy is so bad, I had to sell my goat.
Now, if I want sex, I have to do it with my wife!
"That's right! Achmed, the dead terrorist is blowing up the comedy world with his new stand-up DVD: "I kill you? I kill me!"
Achmed:
Seventy-two virgins? Frankly I'll be happier with
two Vietnamese chicks who know their way
around the ****.
"If you like your jobs delivered by a dead guy with a turban, this DVD's for you!'
Achmed:
So, any jews here tonight? Oh, really? Ok, skip that bit.
"He does relationship humor!"
Achmed:
My wife complained I left the toilet seat up,
so I sold her.
"He does topical!"
Achmed:
I mean, is it really an instant message?
"He does impressions!"
Achmed:
I am not a muslim.. Dog!
"He works the crowd!"
Achmed:
Sir! What do you do?"
"I'm an accountant."
Achmed:
You know you've got a bad job
when a dead terrorist is like
"Thank god I'm not you!"
"And who can forget his famous routine: "You might be a terrorist if.."?
Achmed:
If you like living in a cave.. you might be a terrorist. If you sometimes go "hlalalalala"
Audience:
You might be a terrorist!
"Act now and get tons of great bonus material,
including Achmed's infamous heckler incident."
"Hey, terrorist, you suck!"
Achmed:
Are you ******* kidding me? Hey, ***********, I kill people for a living!
"You still suck!"
Achmed:
I KILL YOU!
"Oh, ****!"
(screaming)
"That's Achmed stand-up DVD plus the bonus material,
all for one low low price of 9.95. Shipping the infidel country's extra."
Achmed:
Good night Cleveland! Dammit.
Achmed:
Thank you! Thank you so much!
Jeff:
So, Achmed, how's your stand-up career going?
Achmed:
Oh, pretty good. I've been performing at the
Kabul Chuckle Dungeon.
Jeff:
The "Kabul Chuckle Dungeon"?
Achmed:
Yes, every Thursday is ladies night.
Jeff:
Really?
Achmed:
You gotta trade in a lady for a drink. Walter calls it whores for Heinekens". No? "Hooters for shooters"? "Virgins for vodka"? "Skanks for Screwdrivers"
Jeff:
Achmed..

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Jeff Dunham

Jeffrey "Jeff" Dunham (born April 18, 1962) is an American ventriloquist and comedian who has also appeared on numerous television shows, including Late Show with David Letterman, Comedy Central Presents, The Tonight Show and Sonny With a Chance. He has six specials that run on Comedy Central: Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself, Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity, Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special, Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos, Jeff Dunham: Minding the Monsters, and Jeff Dunham: All Over the Map. Dunham also starred in The Jeff Dunham Show, a series on the network in 2009.His style has been described as "a dressed-down, more digestible version of Don Rickles with multiple personality disorder". Describing his characters, Time magazine said, "All of them are politically incorrect, gratuitously insulting and ill tempered." Dunham has been credited with reviving ventriloquism, and doing more to promote the art form than anyone since Edgar Bergen.Dunham has been called "America's favorite comedian" by Slate.com, and according to the concert industry publication Pollstar, he is the top-grossing standup act in North America, and is among the most successful acts in Europe as well. As of November 2009, he has sold over four million DVDs, an additional $7 million in merchandise sales, and received more than 350 million hits on YouTube as of October 2009 (his introduction of Achmed the Dead Terrorist in Spark of Insanity was ranked as the ninth most watched YouTube video at the time). A Very Special Christmas Special was the most-watched telecast in Comedy Central history, with its DVD selling over 400,000 in its first two weeks. Forbes.com ranked Dunham as the third highest-paid comedian in the United States behind Jerry Seinfeld and Chris Rock, and reported that he was one of the highest-earning comics from June 2008 to June 2009, earning approximately $30 million during that period. Dunham also does occasional acting roles. He achieved the Guinness Book of World Records record for "Most tickets sold for a stand-up comedy tour" for his Spark of Insanity tour, performing in 386 venues worldwide. more…

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