The In-Laws

Synopsis: In preparation for his daughter's wedding, dentist Sheldon Kornpett meets Vince Ricardo, the groom's father. Vince, a manic fellow who claims to be a government agent, then proceeds to drag Sheldon into a series of chases and misadventures from New York to Central America.
Director(s): Arthur Hiller
Production: Warner Bros. Pictures
 
IMDB:
7.4
Rotten Tomatoes:
90%
PG
Year:
1979
103 min
1,151 Views


Let's call in, huh?

Hello, this is Alpha and Beta, over.

We read you, Alpha Beta. Location, over.

We're whipping along South Factory...

...should be coming into the mintaroonie|in about nine minutes at 1100.

Over and out.

What's going on?

Wait a minute!|Oh, Christ! Arabs!

- What're you talking about?|- Chrissakes!

Base? This is Alpha Beta.

Come in. Come in, base.

I bet it's Arabs. I saw a TV show.|This is what they do.

- Come in, base. This is Alpha Beta.|- Jesus!

- This is Alpha Beta. Come in, base!|- Goddamned Arabs!

- They're lowering us now.|- What's happening? What's wrong?

- We're jammed!|- Jammed?

We better get somebody on that radio!|We can't use it jammed.

We're the U.S. Treasury, for chrissake.|This ain't no Wells Fargo truck!

I'll get you! Here,|I'll get your ass! I'll get you!

Get out of there!

What's this sh*t?|There's nothing but money in here.

That's the ticket. Let's go.

Vince.

Hey, Vince.

Hey.

Hey.

- Hey, Vince.|- Gee, I can't believe this trade.

What do the Mets|need another pitcher for?

All they got is pitchers.

What're we doing up here?|I don't understand.

Oh, there's reasons. I mean,|you know, I don't just do things.

There's always a valid reason.|Let me see.

- All right. Any problems?|- None.

Fabulous. Fabulous work.

Now what's the story on this?|You gonna bill me?

- He wants a million, five.|- No sweat.

- By tomorrow.|- What?

- I'm sorry. That's what he said.|- That's completely nuts!

My kid is getting married Sunday.

How the hell does he expect me|to come up with that money?

Do you know how tied up I've been?|I haven't even met the bride's family yet.

If it was up to me, you could take|two weeks, but that's what he told me!

Jesus Christ.

Okay. I just have to|work something out, that's all.

Thanks for everything.|How's the wife?

She's fine. You know,|she's taking up tennis?

- No kidding?|- Yeah.

I can never get the hang of it.|I don't know what the hell it is.

You know, maybe it's because|you have to wear short pants to play.

I guess we ought to|break this thing up, huh?

- Take it easy.|- You too, Vince.

Evita, give Acme a call. I'm not|happy with the viscosity on these bibs.

Okay, here we go, Mr. Hirschorn.|Just open your mouth, please.

Mr. Hirschorn,|take your hand down...

...put your head back,|open your mouth.

That's it.

Mr. Hirschorn,|I cannot work this way.

Doc, 72 years I have this tooth.|He don't wanna die.

Your tooth is not a "he."

It's nerves, enamel,|rotten and it's gotta go.

- No big deal.|- Seventy-two years.

This tooth had steaks. This tooth|had just beans when I was poor.

- Mr. Hirschorn.|- This tooth chewed on beautiful women.

Including a second cousin|of Sophie Tucker.

- Your tooth's had a wonder...|- Dr. Kornpett.

- Your wife is on the line.|- I'll be right there.

Your tooth had a wonderful life.|Now it's time to say goodbye.

I understand.

But I want you to know|what kind of a tooth this was.

It's an extraordinary tooth.

It's an honor to pull it out, which|I'll do after I answer this phone call.

Excuse me.

How's it going?

The tent up? Terrific.

Yeah, I'm getting excited.|Is Barbara home?

- Yes, she's here being very domestic.|- Hi.

- She says hi.|- And remember the wine.

Oh, and remember the wine.

No. Not Beaujolais.|Get something fancier.

- A St. Emilion or a good California.|- Cabernet's great.

Julia Child says Cabernet's great.|Will you be home early tonight?

7:
00 sharp.|He's definitely coming over?

Sweetheart, I'll believe it|when I see him.

No, I'll behave myself.

Listen, I got somebody|in the chair so I gotta go.

Me too. Goodbye.

My daughter's|getting married on Sunday.

Oh, no kidding.

- That's great. Congratulations.|- Thanks.

Nice boy?

Second year law student at Yale.

- And the parents?|- Well, the mother's very nice.

The father does|international consulting work.

He travels a lot, so we haven't seen him.|He's coming to dinner tonight.

- Call it off.|- Call what off?

The wedding.|Until you know the father.

- Well, it's Sunday, we're...|- Call it off.

She's marrying the son,|not the father.

The son is the acorn.|You gotta look at the tree.

I've been around a little.|Give a listen.

By the way, here.

- What's that? Your tooth?|- I pulled it when you were on the phone.

You're a nice boy. You could|hurt yourself pulling like that.

- Now, do me a favor.|- I can't call it off, Mr. Hirschorn.

It's not 19th-century Minsk.|It's 20th-century Manhattan.

- I hope I'm wrong.|- You're wrong.

- Best of luck to you.|- Thank you.

- Forget I said anything.|- I forgot already.

- False alarm.|- I hope they haven't had an accident.

Mr. Ricardo's been out of town.|Maybe he got hung up.

Hung up.

I have to take the roast beef|out of the oven.

- Just put it on the warmer.|- I'll try.

- Hour late. Great start.|- I'm sure there's a good reason.

- Why couldn't he call?|- Lf he's in bad traffic, he can't call.

- Why are you taking their side?|- I'm not taking anybody's side.

- You're still in our family, Barbara.|- God, don't lay this on me.

They're late.|Don't make it a family issue.

He's such a hotshot, how come he|doesn't have a phone in the car?

- Who said he was a hotshot?|- You did. Travels all over the world.

Hasn't got time to meet|the new in-laws.

I had a patient today, said I should|call the whole thing off.

Well, that's a brilliant solution|to the problem.

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Andrew Bergman

Andrew Bergman (born February 20, 1945) is an American screenwriter, film director, and novelist. New York magazine in 1985 dubbed him "The Unknown King of Comedy". His best known films include Blazing Saddles, The In-Laws, and The Freshman. more…

All Andrew Bergman scripts | Andrew Bergman Scripts

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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