The Five-Year Engagement Page #2

F***!

Come on, Suzie.

Come on, Suzie!

All right, I got it.

I didn't think...

(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

(SUZIE SOBBING)

Take a breath, love.

All right.

Violet and Tom...

GEORGE:
Breathe, breathe.

(CHUCKLING) It's okay.

(IN SOMBER TONE) ...are perfect

for each other in every way.

And I feel

great about it.

And I love you.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

I love you so much.

I love you.

SUZIE:
And, Tom, (IN HOARSE

VOICE) I love you, too.

Oh!

(SOBBING) I'm sorry.

TOM:
That's enough. That was enough.

GEORGE:
It's all right, love.

VIOLET:
It's all right.

Amazing!

Are you ready for this?

Have you considered

your finances?

Do you know how many

children you want to have?

Indeed, do you want

to have children?

Where are you going to live? Do

you know each other well enough?

No, you see, the tendency when one

is young is to be rather naive.

One assumes that everything

is going to turn out

like some wonderful romantic

comedy starring Tom Hanks.

But, in reality, the sad fact

is that most relationships

end up like Saving Private

Ryan, or Philadelphia.

Doing a bit of a multimedia

presentation here, so just one second.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

ON MIC:
Here we go.

Oh, Tommy boy, I've known

you for a long time.

TOM:
Yeah.

Violet, you are certainly the

love of his life. Mmm-hmm.

And we use this

moment to celebrate

a new future of

commitment and love.

But not without

first exploring a past.

Here we go.

(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING) Jenni Newman, Greta

Kay, Anne Pefia, Lizzie Gray

Kelly Wozack, Dana Gilpin

and Lizzie Gray again

Jill McCarthy, Teresa Nassbaum,

Sally Baker, Big Alice

This Korean, that Korean,

and Lizzie Gray again

Ingrid Pell and my ex Even

though they claimed no sex

Rock and roll and cola wars

I can't take it anymore

Violet didn't start

Tom's fire

It was always burning

and she got the ring on

She wasn't

his first lover

As it turns out

He f***ed some others

Doris Williams...

Okay, that's enough. I think

that's enough, right?

Really?

Yeah, that's plenty.

(DIXIELAND MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh!

Whoa!

Boo! Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!

(CHUCKLING)

Nope. Alex.

You're right, yep. Yes,

I know who you are.

You've got quite

a reputation.

Nice.

(SIGHING) Yeah.

Is that good

or is it bad?

It's mostly gross.

Yeah, just gross stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah.

(SNIFFS)

Are you wearing Chanel No.

I'm not wearing

anything.

No way.

No.

That's just

your smell, huh?

Yeah.

Crazy.

Yep.

It's pretty weird.

Yeah.

All right, you know, this

is not gonna happen.

Sorry.

You seem very nice.

No, I was...

It's just not gonna happen. Yep.

I know it.

I agree.

All right, good.

What?

Oh, I'm gonna...

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