The Fan

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I'm offered two and six

for this handsome trophy.

Do I hear another bid?

It's going for two and six

to the party in the checkered scarf.

Next, lot 177.

What have we here?

One mother-of-pearl box, inlaid,

containing a fan.

Here's a beauty for you!

Regency period, Alenon lace

mounted on carved ivory sticks.

Absolutely perfect condition.

You'd never know that Jerry

had dropped his filthy bombs near it.

What's the bid

for this veritable treasure?

Wallington Limited.

There it is, right there.

The stamp of one of

England's most refined jewelers.

Think of a noble lady, all done up

in her silks and her settings

that must have held this in her delicate

hands

or waved it at her noble Lord.

Oh, here's a name on it. Margaret.

Now there's a real lady's name for you.

Come up, come up.

Don't be frightened of the aristocracy.

This here is more

than an object of beauty.

It's genuine necessity, it's what

every English home needs this winter.

Something to set up a nice cool breeze.

- Twelve shillings.

- Fifteen.

Eighteen.

Eighteen shillings?

I'm an auctioneer, not Father Christmas.

Who will give a proper bid?

- Young man.

- How much, madam?

I have no intention of bidding.

Why should I?

It's my own fan.

Madam, this here is a piece

of unclaimed property

salvaged from blitz buildings

to be publicly sold.

Well, it isn't any more

because I'm claiming it now.

You should have thought

of that sooner.

These lots have been on view

for the past month.

Come on,

I made a bid of 18 shillings.

All right, 18 shillings for the gentleman

with the big heart.

Do I hear a pound?

What are you talking about?

The fan is mine.

You really can't stand there selling things

that don't belong to you.

How do I know the fan is yours?

Well, I... I told you so.

- Oh, come off it, madam.

- I shall be delighted to have it back.

It's been stored at Edwards's for years

while I've been travelling.

That's right, you know.

There was a direct hit on Edwards's.

Come on, we haven't got all day.

Madam, can you furnish

any proof of ownership?

- Have you got a bill for this fan?

- Of course not, it was a gift.

You'll find me always cheerful

and willing to oblige.

I'll put the fan aside for a day.

If you bring in someone who knows you

and knows it's yours, you can have it.

That's quite absurd. Everyone I once

knew in London must be dead by now.

Sorry, madam, but you must find

someone to establish proof.

Madam, would you fill in this form,

please? That is the law.

I'm sure it is -

it's quite inconvenient enough to be.

Next...

Would you be good enough to tell me,

is Lord Darlington still alive?

- He sure is.

- Oh, you're an American.

I spent many years

in your stimulating country.

I get along very well with Americans.

After you've married one or two of them,

they don't seem like foreigners at all.

- Does Lord Darlington live here?

- Oh yes, we all do.

Oh, how picturesque.

This is the drawing room.

There is the dining room.

There's the chandelier.

And there is the painting

over the fireplace.

And you, young ladies,

you are perhaps, um...

descendants?

I hadn't known that Lord Darlington

had ever visited America.

Oh no, we just rent our rooms here.

Oh, forgive me.

I've been away for so long.

It's rather startling to find

Lord Darlington letting lodgings.

Don't you know

there's a housing shortage?

This is an office now.

And just what office is this?

We work for an organization in the

States that sends food to people here.

I knew you were nice girls

the moment I laid eyes on you.

And does Lord Darlington

have an office here too?

Oh no, his rooms are

the way they always were.

Poor old guy, how could he live

any other way? He's a museum piece.

A museum piece?

My dears, Lord Darlington was once

the most dangerous man in London.

- Is he at home now?

- He never goes out before three.

Do you want to see him?

- Yes, please.

- Sure.

Oh, who shall I say?

- Just tell him a very dear old enemy.

- Okay.

- Hi, sweet.

- Good afternoon, my dear.

You're looking like a...

No, not at all like a rose.

You're looking like

an extremely healthy sunflower.

You know what? There's a lady

waiting downstairs to see you.

- Indeed? What is her name?

- She said she was a dear old enemy.

Extraordinary,

I didn't know I had any of them left.

Hope she doesn't keep me too long.

Enemies' conversations

are interminable -

friends get it over in a minute.

This is the hour for my walk.

Here's your little gloves.

Here's your little cane.

Here's your little hat.

My dear, somehow I believe

my accessories are the normal size.

- There. Are you okay now?

- I'm quite, as you say, okay.

Why, it is Lord Darlington!

Don't you remember me, Robert?

You must forgive me, madam,

but I have such a wretched memory.

Of course. At our age

we remember only ourselves.

But, don't you? Can't you?

Please make me young again

by telling me your name.

Hey Cynthia, have you got what came

down from Liverpool this morning?

You cannot expect me to refresh

my memory in this mad house,

- so if you will pardon me...

- Pardon you?

I'll do much better than that.

I'll accompany you.

Of course it was my vanity that

made me think you'd recognize me today

when yesterday was so very long ago.

Madam, I regret that

I'm contributing very little to the situation

and I'm pressed for time

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