The Decoy Bride Page #3

proud of this ageing public amenity.

The ornate urinals are enamelled

in peacock colours,

while the cow-sized cubicle is...

genuinely frightening.

Laird.

Hello? Pretty sure that's

not a real cow.

Unless it's got hold of a kazoo.

- Sorry.

- Oh, no, no, really. I'm...

The laird of the island

has a similar hat.

Sorry to barge in on you, Mrs...

- Not Mrs.

- No, no. No.

I was just pretending to be

the ghost of this cow,

which, of course, sounds

completely mad.

Not at all.

Sorry. From the outside,

your home looks like it might

be open to the public.

My home?

You don't live here?

Not in this toilet, no.

Here we live in primitive dwellings

anthropologists like

to call houses.

Please forgive me. I've spent a

lot of time with... hermits.

For someone in marketing, you're

not very good at lying.

I'm still quite junior.

- Katie.

- I'm J...

John. John... son. John...

- John.

- John Johnson.

And I'm... I'm quite lost.

No wonder. That book isn't

right about anything.

You haven't read it. No one's read

it, not all the way through.

That's the only book ever

written about Hegg.

Everybody who can read has read it.

- The Hegg Book Club gave it four

out of ten. - Four out of ten?

We thought it picked

up around page 600.

The architecture of the book was

probably quite deliberate.

Wow, the Hegg Book Club

are a tough crowd.

Oh, and the love story? I

didn't buy that at all.

It was just soulless.

- Soulless? - Maybe his second

boo will be better.

- Is it out yet?

- Not yet, no.

God. It's been years. Either he's very,

very blocked or it's even longer

than that one. Can you imagine?

Do you want me to carry it for a bit?

Oh, no, no, no. You want Iona.

There's no monastery here.

No monks. No miracles.

- That's OK.

- But no free accommodation here.

I believe in God so-so, but I'm

also very interested in yoga.

- Hung jury, you see. So no

discount. - No problem.

I will pay upfront, in full.

To be fair, he had to make it up.

You could cover Hegg in a pamphlet

of about five pages.

OK, I know where I am now.

Look, you're here to work, obviously.

But if you ever fancy a coffee,

I just live at the B&B over...

down there, with my mother.

Just... I'm around most of the time,

and I'm a whole lot hotter than I look.

We've got so much...

marketing to do.

OK. This wasn't...

I wasn't... I don't any more.

I've gone vegan anyway.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Bye.

Room three.

Blessings.

It's a hobby. I hope to capture one

of your very rare birds on film.

We don't have any rare birds.

We have hedgehogs.

Yeah, well, I am here now.

I have just made the most unbelievable

- twat of myself.

- We have a guest.

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