The Decoy Bride

A guidebook to here? Don't be mad.

Come see our disused toilet

that may or may not be haunted

by the ghost of a drowned cow.

You see? We need to channel

this raw, creative energy.

Else you're liable to get restless

and go wandering off again.

Nobody's going to buy

a guidebook to Hegg.

Unless it's cheaper than

our toilet paper.

A marketing conference? Here?

- The tide has turned.

- For the marketeers.

1 each or 1.50 with hair.

They want my castle, just

as it is, for a week.

- Good luck to them.

- This is a beautiful island, Katie.

In a way...

New beginnings. It's like

the whale all over again.

You're not too young to remember

the whale, Laird?

- No, I remember.

- There'll be money in this lot too.

No throwing yourself at the

men visitors, Katie.

We don't want them thinking this is

the Orkneys where anything goes.

Now, Katie, chop chop. Chapter One,

in which a young woman and her laird

rescue their island from

certain doom by writing

a brilliant guidebook.

The island of Hegg lies half-drowned

and wind-battered,

the furthermost drop of

the outermost spray

of the curling wave of

the Outer Hebrides.

It has a population of 75,

a majority of whom are

probably about...

Though Hegg no doubt

has a certain charm,

it has never been a popular

stop on the tourist trail.

Even the Vikings never showed

the slightest interest in us.

But the islanders remain a hardy

and resourceful people.

All those under 50 are now

married, except one.

The island has one B&B

which offers the traditional Scottish

breakfast of haggis,

sausage, chips and beans, or if you're

feeling more metropolitan,

you can have the continental breakfast,

a bread roll, two Weetabix

and a Snickers bar.

Have we got any Michelin

stars I can put up?

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