The Darwin Awards
- R
- Year:
- 2006
- 94 min
- 106 Views
The peaceful moment.
It doesn't really exist.
By the time I finish this sentence...
world will make a huge mistake.
They call them the Darwin Awards.
In the late '70s, they started
giving out an award each year...
for the person who died
in the most idiotic way.
The idea being, these people's
actions are so moronic...
they're actually improving the gene
pool by removing themselves from it.
For instance, Trip Hansen, an ad executive...
was showing off his new penthouse office.
Oh, man. Instant f*** pad.
You lucky bastard.
That glass? Four-ply.
- Bulletproof.
- Bullshit.
All right.
What are you doing?
Walkin' the talk.
- No, no, no, no!
- He runs at the window.
You know, to prove it was shatterproof.
Holy sh*t!
Turns out it wasn't.
Everybody's gotta have a hobby.
For me, it was the Darwin Awards.
There we are.
Okay, I guess you could say it
was actually more of an obsession.
But I just couldn't help trying to imagine...
what type of personality it would
take to meet such strange fates.
Why am I so obsessed with
analyzing personalities?
Well, that's my dayjob.
I'm a criminal profiler
for the S.F.P.D., Homicide.
Hey. Hey. Hey. Stay on
the other side of the tape.
Oh, you got it. You got it.
Behind this tape. Perfect.
That numb-nuts have
clearance to be here?
The chief said I'd been selected to be
followed around by this documentary filmmaker.
Said it would be good for P.R.
Truthfully, hejust seems
like some kid out of college.
You know, originally when
I thought you meant a couple of hours.
It's been two days.
job as if I'm not here.
Just pretend I'm invisible.
This guy was starting to get on my nerves.
What are you eating?
- You still here?
- What were you dreaming about?
Why liquid soap?
I'm considered the best profiler on the force.
It's a talent that began back in fourth grade.
I see a couple problems with your story.
What problem?
First, you had to have been
Second, he was a Seventh-day Adventist...
so why would he be in the liquor store?
It's not fair we have to do recess
inside all year 'cause of you.
- Who says I did it?
- You have a problem with authority.
Miss Fong flunked you in math.
And... the wood chips on the strongbox
matches your Louisville Slugger exactly.
You tell Miss Fong, and
it's your ass, Burrows!
Fourth grade was also the beginning
of another lifelong condition.
- Hematophobia. Fainting
response to the sight ofblood.
My ability to connect the facts...
never really helped my popularity...
but at least it provided a job.
- We got plenty of Polaroids.
- These are digital.
I'm takin' a extra set. You know, for Burrows.
If that little sh*t wants to help
out with this investigation...
let him get his ass down
here just like everybody else.
He did. He's outside.
So...
what made you choose me
for this project anyway?
You were the only one on the
force who agreed to do it.
Oh.
Five dead in four weeks.
That meant it fell in my lap.
- Hi, Bill.
- Okay.
feet with size 14 shoes.
Check the clothing records
at Quentin and Folsom.
S.F.P.D. here. Working overtime.
Just ignore the camera.
- It's not all doughnuts and broads.
- Oh, please. Don't encourage him.
Nobody under six feet's gonna have size 14...
Whoa! Look at this.
Those footprints were
half as deep as the others.
Guy couldn't have weighed more than 140.
- Isolate for guys with some college. Lit majors.
- Why?
Locations of the attacks...
Hughes Laundromat...
Gates Apartments, Eliot Business College...
They're all names of poets.
Here's your short lit
major cons with big feet.
I'd suggest you bring all five of'em in.
This perp's gonna be in deep hiding.
Criminology 101. Serial killers always
follow the investigation of their crime.
"Hematophobia. Debilitating
disorder, unresponsive to treatment."
Another f***in' useless book.
You should leave. Now. Leave.
Police! Follow my command!
Move down here nice and slow.
Nice and slow. That's it.
- What is this? Cops?
- Get down on your knees!
Get on your knees! Interlace
your fingers behind your head!
- Call 911.
- I can't interfere. I have to keep filming.
- What?
- It's part of the documentary process, man.
- You have to remain an objective observer.
- You're f***ing useless.
Yeah. This is Officer Burrows.
Columbus and Kerouac. Yeah.
Am I gonna have to sign a release?
Shut the f*** up!
- Oh!
- Oh, my God.
"This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but a whimper."
That is the most over-quoted
poem in modern lit.
What? Did you have to memorize that
for your 11 th grade English class?
F*** off.
Well, then.
Oh, my God.
- Turn it off. Turn it the f*** off!
- Please don't. No, please don't.
Isn't this over? I'm not a cop anymore.
- There's nothing left to film.
- A documentary is like a river.
You follow its natural course until it's...
Oh, just shut up and give
me back the apartment keys.
What are you doin'?
- If I tell you, will you go away?
- For tonight.
I'm looking at all the bills I can't pay...
Rent, Visa, electricity, insurance.
Okay, what's goin'on?
What's that?
What are you doin'? What's that?
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"The Darwin Awards" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 19 Apr. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_darwin_awards_6389>.
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