The Conspirator

Two men standing

at the Pearly Gates.

The first man says,

"How'd you die?"

Second says,

"I froze to death.

How 'bout you?"

And the, uh, second man says,

"Well, I thought my... my wife

was being unfaithful to me,

...so I ran all the way home."

- Come on.

"And burst into the bedroom."

MAN:

There's nothin' here.

- "She just..."

- Look over there.

Yes, sir.

Make sure there's men on...

Here!

We're here!

You take him first.

But, captain, he's as good as...

That's an order.

Sergeant.

Hey, watch it. Careful. Corporal!

Watch his leg.

Hip, hip... Hurrah!

Victory!

Getting a little ahead of ourselves,

don't you think?

Will, Lee surrendered to Grant,

so have a drink.

- Freddie, have you seen him yet?

- A dozen rebel armies still in the field.

I'd say peace is far from in hand.

Hamilton, you could put frost on a fire.

No, I haven't, but half his cabinet's here.

There's Interior...

and Postmaster.

- Treasury.

- Mm-hmm.

Secretary of Navy.

Where's War?

Ooh, there he is.

God, what I would give to meet him.

What? Wait.

Where are you going?

You coming or not?

Are you... Are you mad?

You can't approach Edwin Stanton

without an introduction.

Really?

- Frederick Aiken.

- Oh.

I've been to Creation and back

lookin' for you.

Senator.

Uh, Baker, Hamilton,

allow me to introduce the distinguished

senator from Maryland,

- Mr. Reverdy Johnson.

- Great honor, senator.

Gentlemen, you've done this nation proud.

Thank you, sir.

Ladies. Ladies, may I present

two genuine war heroes.

Now you all get acquainted

while I introduce the counselor

to some of my,

uh, esteemed associates.

- Ladies.

- Hello.

It's, uh, quite a turnout.

- Hello.

- It's an honor to meet the lovely...

Victory is like sh*t to flies, Freddie.

Why, Ed, what a delightful surprise.

Life's full of them, Reverdy.

This is our War secretary,

Mr. Edwin Stanton.

Yeah. It's a... it's a very great

pleasure, sir.

Mr. Aiken had two horses

shot from under him

and never quit the field.

Could use a loyal man like you

over at the War Department, Captain.

Sir.

Captain's back to bein' a lawyer.

Time to heal the nation, Ed,

not wage more war.

Pleasure as always, Senator.

- Captain.

- Sir.

I'm sorry you won't be able to meet

the president this evening.

Will he not be attending?

It seems Mrs. Lincoln

prefers an evening of theater

to a room full of soldiers.

Anything.

I can play anything.

Poor Blind Boy?

I don't know that one.

Uh, anything...

Oh, thank you, Nicholas.

Sarah... oh, my God.

You look beautiful.

Sarah, glad to see you.

Fred didn't mention you'd be

joining us this evening.

- That sounds like Fred.

- What sounds like Fred?

Nothing you need to worry about.

How many bottles is that now, Nick?

Uh, nothing you need

to worry about, Fred.

Shall we take a stroll?

Mm-hmm.

It's good to have you boys back.

It's good to be back.

It's very good to be back.

Oh, quite right.

Some gals and their mothers

would look...

Mr. Vice President.

Yes, Senator?

I'm sorry to bother you, sir,

but I need your authorization on this.

Is it really necessary right now?

I have so many guests.

I'm afraid it's relatively urgent.

You have to keep the sun

out of your eyes,

look straight, pull strong,

calculate the distance,

and you'll hit the mark every time.

- What?

- Not sure.

Sir?

Yes, I have a package

for Secretary Seward.

We are old friends, Mr. Trenchard,

and you needn't be afraid of us.

I ain't afraid of you,

both of you together.

Want another?

Sir?

Secretary Stanton

is a smart man.

The War Department

would be lucky to have you.

It was an honor to meet the man, but...

I'm eager to put the war behind me.

You do look awfully handsome

in your uniform.

Oh?

I suppose I'm going

to have to get used to you

in civilian clothing again.

So you did miss me?

On occasion.

Now I've no fortune,

but I am filled over with affection

that I am ready to pour over you

like apple sass over roasted pork.

Mr. Trenchard!

You are addressing my daughter,

and in my presence!

Yes! I'm offering her my heart

and my hand just as she wants them,

with nothing in 'em.

Now, I'm aware, Mr. Trenchard,

that you are not used

to the manner of polite...

Pardon me. I'm sor...

Oh.

Sh*t.

- Oh, no!

- Hold it!

Stop! No!

No, please! Don't!

Ohh!

Unh!

Help!

Somebody help!

Help!

...to which you have fallen guilty.

Well, I guess I know enough

to turn you inside out, old gal,

you sock dologizing old man-trap...

Ohh!

Sic semper tyrannis!

The South is avenged!

He's getting away!

Stop him!

Come on.

Come on.

Come here, you son of a b*tch!

Can't get... let you out of here!

What is it?

- Major?

- What's happened?

Lincoln's been shot.

- What?

- He's been shot.

You stay here.

Open the door.

Sergeant.

Stand aside.

Over there.

Across the street.

Make way!

Please, stand aside.

Please.

Move back! Please!

- Coming through.

- Clear the way!

Back! Stand aside!

Can you see anything?

Open the door!

Try the other door.

Find another way!

Stand aside.

Over here!

Come on inside!

Back here. Back here.

Set him down easy.

Where's the doctor?

Get some towels.

Mr. Secretary, wait, sir.

No. I want to see him.

Make way!

Out of my way!

Move aside!

Out! Move!

- Where is he?

- He's down there, sir.

There, sir.

Excuse me, Mr. Secretary.

Take his pulse.

Mr. Secretary, it was the actor,

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote