The Comebacks Page #3

With my new boyfriend

And... lover.

Oh, please,

This is just another one

of your rebellious stunts

Trying to make me mad.

It's not a stunt, Dad.

It's just me

having a boyfriend...

Who happens to be black.

See you later.

Black boyfriend.

Damn!

All right!

Any walk-Ons?

Hey, Coach.

Name is Vince.

I'm just a bartender from Philly

Whose only dream

is to play ball.

It's all I got left

After I lost my job teaching

and my wife left me.

Like my alcoholic father

used to say before he passed on,

"A man can only take

so much failure!"

I promise to give you

everything I got.

What do you say, Coach?

I say you can add

"Did not make the football team"

To your list of woes.

Now beat it, buzzkill.

Okay, ladies, show time!

Offense, hit the line!

Defense, give 'em hell!

Let's see what you boys got!

Not you.

FIELDS:

All right!

Hike the damn ball!

I suppose we don't have a quarterback.

All right!

Still don't have a quarterback.

Any other positions

we need to fill?

We need a kicker.

Can I be kicker, Coach?

I'll steam up your wiener

And stick it

between my buns.

Oh.

That wiener.

Yeah, this is great.

Middle of Bumfuck, Nowhere.

How am I gonna find

an all-American quarterback?

If you build it, he will come.

If you build it, he will

Come...

Who will come?

Your father. Your dead father.

My father's not dead.

I just spoke with him

this morning.

You got to be shittin' me.

Is this 314 Bentley Road?

No, this is 314 Bentley Drive.

F***ing MapQuest.

I've got to get G.P.S.

Anyway, I know a quarterback.

His name is Lance Truman.

You'll find his ass

on the baseball field.

Lance Truman?

Yeah.

Name's Lambeau Fields.

New football coach

over at Heartland.

Word on the street

Is that you're

a damn good quarterback.

Yeah, my dad wants me

to focus on baseball.

Sorry, Coach.

Let me talk to your father.

He needs to know that

you're wasting your gift here.

All right, listen, could we

just drop the football thing?

My dad's made up his mind-

Baseball's my future.

Then prove it-

Strike me out.

Are you serious?

Your best pitch.

You got some wood?

No. But I did on the way

over here, though.

Sometimes when I'm driving,

I like to prop a cup of coffee

In my lap, and there's just

something about the hot steam

Against my knuckleballs

That really, you know...

Just makes old Charlie hustle.

Yeah, that kind of wood.

- Right.

- Right.

That's it. Thought for a second

you were talking about cock.

I put everything I had on that.

It's time we go talk

to your dad.

Got a good feeling

about this year.

By the way, where's

the closest hospital?

Uh... County General. Why?

Oh, no reason.

I'm just gonna pop in there,

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