The Big One

[People clapping, cheering]

MOORE:
Thank you very much.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I wanted to see if a politician

would accept money from anyone.

You know,

and I mean anyone, all right?

I don't mean,

like, R.J. Reynolds...

which gave a million dollars

to the Republicans...

and a half a million dollars...

to the non-smoking Democrats

this year.

I'm talking about

truly despicable groups.

So I formed four of

those despicable groups myself.

Got a bank to give me

a checking account for each...

with the name of the group

on the check...

and then sent $100 contributions

to each of the candidates.

So Bob Dole received $100...

from the Satan Worshipers

for Dole Club.

[Laughter and applause]

Clinton got $100 from

the Hemp Growers of America.

[Laughter]

Pat Buchanan got $100

from Abortionists for Buchanan.

[Laughter]

And...

Ross Perot got $100 from

the Pedophiles for Free Trade.

[Laughter]

And who do you think

cashed the check first?

[People shouting]

That's right, Pat Buchanan.

[Applause]

And here's

the check right here...

the actual check, with

his endorsement on the back.

[Applause]

Abortionists for Buchanan.

Mr. "Right to Life" himself.

The Clinton-Gore campaign

cashed their check...

from the Hemp Growers

of America. Right here.

The thing looks like

it had been rolled up...

and stashed away

for about who knows how long.

But you know how it is...

when you're receiving

contributions from hemp growers.

And Ross Perot sent us

a lovely form letter...

that obviously was spit

out of some computer...

because it said,

"I'd like to thank you...

"and your fellow pedophiles

for your support."

It's true.

[Laughter and applause]

Oh, we live in sick times.

Sick, sick times.

[Music playing]

[Bell clanging]

MOORE, NARRATING: You know,

I always like to see people...

happy and having a good time.

Take these people,

for instance.

They've been having

a real good time.

Me?

Well, I've been out of work.

So I did what

most people like me do...

when they can't get a job...

I wrote a book!

"Downsize This! Random Threats

from an Unarmed American."

I sold it to Random House.

They asked me

if I wouldn't mind...

going on a little author tour,

say four or five cities.

I said, "Sure. Sounds good."

Especially considering

I had no college education...

and flunked 12th grade English.

I kind of liked the idea of

being part of a go-go economy.

I could see it now...

Pulitzers, Nobels...

and appearances

on "The Jerry Springer Show."

[Audience yelling]

There was one little problem

with my master plan...

that check

I wrote the president.

Seems the White House

didn't like it.

I told them

I was just having some fun.

He is a dangerous person.

MOORE:

Boy, he sure seemed defensive.

Of course, at that time...

none of us knew

that lots of other people...

were writing checks

to the president...

and getting

better perks than me.

When it looked like...

I wasn't going to have

the normal author tour...

I called up a few filmmaking

friends of mine...

Tia, Jim, Brian, and Chris...

and told them

to gather their gear...

and meet me in St. Louis.

JIM:
not you, but...

Chris, never throw away

your tickets.

Why don't you do

a special on us?

- On how much you make?

- And how much work we do.

Did you ever

get your union back?

- Sort of.

- Sort of?

We'll tell you the next time,

if we do get a raise, ever.

Yeah. When was the last time

you had a raise?

- '83?

- I don't know.

MOORE:
'83?

I don't know

if it was '78 or '82.

The cameraman

wasn't even born in '83.

Oh, my...

This is my seat.

I'll see you, boys.

- Economy was full?

- Yeah. It's all full back there.

I gotta sit up here.

But I'll check in

with you guys, OK?

Roll along, roll along

Roll along, roll along

Convoy in the sky

Roll along, roll along

Roll along, roll along

Convoy in the sky

MOORE:
Each day of the tour...

was supposed to be

pretty much the same.

Get up at

4:
30 in the morning...

fly to the next city...

and be met by the local

Random House publicist...

who they referred to

as my "media escort."

The escort's job was

to keep me out of trouble...

and report all my activities

back to headquarters.

This escort

from Random House...

she doesn't know anything

about this film.

In fact, nobody at Random House

knows about this film.

They're gonna find out

sometime today...

and they're probably

not going to be very happy.

This is my media escort here

in St. Louis.

- Please introduce yourself.

- I'm Elaine Bly.

And it's about 6:15

in the morning here.

But it's a beautiful day.

We're gonna have a good day.

Let's hope.

Let's get going. [Laughs]

MOORE:

No matter what city I was in...

it was always

the same 20 interviews...

with the same 20 questions.

Look at all this ain'time

you've been giving Whitewater...

and how many millions

has Congress spent...

trying to find out why just

seven people lost their jobs...

in the

White House Travel Office?

And not a dime

has been spent investigating...

what happened to millions

of Americans and their jobs.

Most of this welfare

that we give corporations...

comes in the form of things like

a million dollars to McDonald's

to help them promote

Chicken McNuggets in Singapore.

That's our tax dollars.

Or the Pillsbury Company

gets $11 million...

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